Discussion Have you felt unworthy of love most of your life?

[FTL.Wanderer]

A theme that I keep noticing in fiction is even minor heroes' worthiness of companionship, regard, and sincere affection. Rarely is another adult, at least, loved just for him-/herself, it seems. They've got to be ... heroic in some sense. I used to be bitter about not having experienced love--I mean platonic love (parents, friends...). Maybe some have to do enough--be valuable enough--to win others' esteem sufficiently that they can come to love you. Just what I've been thinking this year, looking back.

I also notice it's taboo even just to mention having felt unloved. Like it's trite or worse, perceived as playing "the victim card" (recently one of our own here castigated others for playing victims).

Do any of you who've also felt a lifelong absence of affection ever feel that maybe if you'd done more or been more valuable to your communities, then maybe someone would have loved you?

 

[Gray Wounds]

In any case---I would also like to understand this kind of perspective--- why does humans think that they need to feel loved?

Sorry because many of them doesn't understand me when I say that I do not need love or to be loved not because I'm bitter but because I do not know what it is when it comes to humans. To sum it up, I do not feel any love at all towards every human being.

 

[lululoo]

A theme that I keep noticing in fiction is even minor heroes' worthiness of companionship, regard, and sincere affection. Rarely is another adult, at least, loved just for him-/herself, it seems. They've got to be ... heroic in some sense. I used to be bitter about not having experienced love--I mean platonic love (parents, friends...). Maybe some have to do enough--be valuable enough--to win others' esteem sufficiently that they can come to love you. Just what I've been thinking this year, looking back.

I also notice it's taboo even just to mention having felt unloved. Like it's trite or worse, perceived as playing "the victim card" (recently one of our own here castigated others for playing victims).

Do any of you who've also felt a lifelong absence of affection ever feel that maybe if you'd done more or been more valuable to your communities, then maybe someone would have loved you?

I have always felt unworthy of love and there has been a dearth of love in my life. But I don't know that I relate it to not being valuable to my community. Though it depends what exactly you mean by that. I feel like for me it was more about social flaws-- some mixture of closed off, awkward, insecure, and judgmental, maybe-- that made many people not want to be close to me and no guy want to be with me long term. So I don't think being more valuable as in more accomplished or something would have helped, if that's what you mean.

 

[EmotionlessWanderer]

I don't want it

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

In any case---I would also like to understand this kind of perspective--- why does humans think that they need to feel loved?

Scientists who are vastly better versed in the subject than me publish papers about the genes and evolutionary characteristics in humans that prompt our feelings for socialization, affection, approval... But I agree with you that some people need these things much less than the average person does. Like a lot of other things (blood pressure, height, ease of being satiated with some amount of food...), the need for affection/love probably varies naturally among people. If you naturally yearn for a lot but get little, at least from the research I've read, this can be very unhealthy emotionally and physically.

Congrats on being so comfortable on your own. I certainly envy you.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I have always felt unworthy of love and there has been a dearth of love in my life. But I don't know that I relate it to not being valuable to my community. Though it depends what exactly you mean by that. I feel like for me it was more about social flaws-- some mixture of closed off, awkward, insecure, and judgmental, maybe-- that made many people not want to be close to me and no guy want to be with me long term. So I don't think being more valuable as in more accomplished or something would have helped, if that's what you mean.

Valuable is an open term. Some people "value" beauty, or strength, or exceptional intellect, or a deep and impressive professional network... Whatever others value and consider a sign of accomplishment (even if it's something someone else hasn't actually had to work hard to achieve, like their appearance or familial wealth).

 

[azucaramargo]

A theme that I keep noticing in fiction is even minor heroes' worthiness of companionship, regard, and sincere affection. Rarely is another adult, at least, loved just for him-/herself, it seems. They've got to be ... heroic in some sense. I used to be bitter about not having experienced love--I mean platonic love (parents, friends...). Maybe some have to do enough--be valuable enough--to win others' esteem sufficiently that they can come to love you. Just what I've been thinking this year, looking back.

I also notice it's taboo even just to mention having felt unloved. Like it's trite or worse, perceived as playing "the victim card" (recently one of our own here castigated others for playing victims).

Do any of you who've also felt a lifelong absence of affection ever feel that maybe if you'd done more or been more valuable to your communities, then maybe someone would have loved you?

This is an interesting question you've posed, FTL Wanderer. I kind of feel like I deserve more love than I actually get, and I walk around angry because of it. So, maybe we have opposite problems. You feel unworthy of love and I feel overly worthy of love. But, it seems like we both crave the same thing(?) (i.e., affection).

 

[Circles]

It's not that I don't want it but I cannot effectively express and communicate whatever love is if that makes sense. It's hard trying to understand let alone trust most people including so called family. There's so much disconnect and mixed signals between people that I feel pushed away from even trying because it all feels dreadful and tedious when it's supposed to be fun not complicated. Love is such a loaded word it's nauseating.

 

[azucaramargo]

It's not that I don't want it but I cannot effectively express and communicate whatever love is if that makes sense. It's hard trying to understand let alone trust most people including so called family. There's so much disconnect and mixed signals between people that I feel pushed away from even trying because it all feels dreadful and tedious when it's supposed to be fun. Love is such a loaded word it's nauseating.

You're such a good communicator, Circles; I have a hard time imagining you being at odds with those around you.

 

[Alecsa]

Do any of you who've also felt a lifelong absence of affection ever feel that maybe if you'd done more or been more valuable to your communities, then maybe someone would have loved you?

Personally, I don't understand how human-connection works. Maybe it's because I'm somewhat of a sociopath. I don't think doing more, or being more valuable makes others "love" someone. I guess being "valuable" makes others appreciate you more, hence the feeling of validation and acceptance. Most of the time it's not about loving for me, but being able to do what is seen as socially appropriate and replicate expected scenarios or outcomes.

I tend to be a people-pleaser, not because I want to be loved, but mostly accepted or validated, it makes myself feel useful. I cannot guarantee how others perceive me - or if they would love me. I guess I become more tolerable around them if nothing else.

I have friends, sometimes it overwhelms me when they are kind towards me, or when I feel like I matter because I don't see myself as someone worthy of that kind of "affection." I find myself asking why I feel that way, I think the answer is because I was not exactly genuine with my interactions with them in the first place.

Sorry if this is too long of a response. It's probably a rant if nothing else.


TL;DR Love and affection are complex social constructs and as a selfish cunt, I'm happier to receive validation than be loved.

 

[azucaramargo]

Alecsa, you're so self-aware! I really admire that! And, I love this line that you wrote: "I cannot guarantee how others perceive me - or if they would love me." That is such a healthy, rational, INTELLIGENT viewpoint that I am going to try my damndest to adopt.

 

[Alecsa]

Alecsa, you're so self-aware! I really admire that! And, I love this line that you wrote: "I cannot guarantee how others perceive me - or if they would love me." That is such a healthy, rational, INTELLIGENT viewpoint that I am going to try my damndest to adopt.

Thank you, seriously embarrassed with the nice words from you. Cheers @azucaramargo and lots of hugs :)

 

[YukiFox]

On my case is my totally fault, specially for a fear of sex. Surely I'm not asexual, but I can't find anyone who I feel comfortable with having sex on a long term relationship.
Also, I consider my masculine body ugly on the last years. I can't find any clue of beauty on one and that's one of the reasons that my gender dysphoria has rocket since the last year: I want to search another look for feel me internally more desirable.
I'm still fearful of people in general and with that attitude it will be difficult to find a partner.

 

[azucaramargo]

Thank you, seriously embarrassed with the nice words from you. Cheers @azucaramargo and lots of hugs :)

Oh that's right! That's how dense I am. You literally just wrote that you didn't feel comfortable with others' attention, and here I go bulldozing you with my praise. I really didn't mean to embarrass. I just wish I could think more rationally like you do.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

You feel unworthy of love and I feel overly worthy of love. But, it seems like we both crave the same thing(?) (i.e., affection).

Yes. :)

There's so much disconnect and mixed signals between people that I feel pushed away from even trying because it all feels dreadful and tedious when it's supposed to be fun not complicated.

Yes! I feel like a warthog unconvincingly wearing an antelope skin trying to fit in with the graceful antelopes, but they can all see that I'm a big, ugly warthog. So they get the hell away from me. And it's not as if I actually feel like an antelope, with my big, warty, warthogness. It's "dreadful and tedious," as you've said. Which is why I'm now so isolated. Oh well.