Venting have you ever felt guilty for not ctb-ing?

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

ive always been an open person, so ive been somewhat vocal about my suicidal thoughts/attempts as well, not for attention but because i just had never fully learned to keep my emotions locked inside me at all times. and ive been suicidal for years with attempts and stuff and my family and close friends all know this, and like... i feel like now they just see me as "the boy who cried wolf", because both them and i know that im still alive despite my words or actions. and i feel so guilty for that, i feel guilty for finding reasons to keep on living, i feel guilty for draining my loved ones emotionally with my inner pain. i feel like i dont deserve to be helped or listened to, because if my struggle was real, i would have ctb'd ages ago. even though i myself know, that my feelings are very real and valid, some part of myself argues, claiming that the only way to prove it is to finish the deed and do it once and for all. and up until then, im not doing enough. have you ever experienced something like that? i know that most suicidal people feel guilty for being suicidal and attempting it, i do as well, but have you ever felt it the other way around?

 

[Manon Lescaut]

I have it similar, but I never told someone that I want to ctb. I just told it to myself that I should do that in one month. It has been already two months and I still didn't ctb. I feel like a coward.

 

[UKscotty]

We only CTB once all hope is gone.

Even those who say they are ready are holding on for something. We have a mind that tells us to die, yet we are still here.

That makes us fighters, not cowards.

Just see how many people have their SN, pentobarbital, fentanyl, rope, gas setup etc but fight on to survive.

Depressed people are the strongest you can ever meet.

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

I have it similar, but I never told someone that I want to ctb. I just told it to myself that I should do that in one month. It has been already two months and I still didn't ctb. I feel like a coward.

i really relate to this. i feel like a coward as well, and my date was set more than a year ago, at 23.01.23. obviously i didnt do it and instead agreed to be hospitalized. well .. it didnt help and now, a year later, i feel guilty for not going all the way to the end with it back then

 

[distintivocorazon]

ive always been an open person, so ive been somewhat vocal about my suicidal thoughts/attempts as well, not for attention but because i just had never fully learned to keep my emotions locked inside me at all times. and ive been suicidal for years with attempts and stuff and my family and close friends all know this, and like... i feel like now they just see me as "the boy who cried wolf", because both them and i know that im still alive despite my words or actions. and i feel so guilty for that, i feel guilty for finding reasons to keep on living, i feel guilty for draining my loved ones emotionally with my inner pain. i feel like i dont deserve to be helped or listened to, because if my struggle was real, i would have ctb'd ages ago. even though i myself know, that my feelings are very real and valid, some part of myself argues, claiming that the only way to prove it is to finish the deed and do it once and for all. and up until then, im not doing enough. have you ever experienced something like that? i know that most suicidal people feel guilty for being suicidal and attempting it, i do as well, but have you ever felt it the other way around?

I feel you completely on this. I feel like as time went on the more I've attempted and never succeeded that I had a 'timer' or a specific time to be dead. As I kept failing, I only became more concious of my choices. The feeling I feel is something I wouldn't want anyone to feel. Just know you aren't alone and you're extremely valid, you are heard.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I don't feel guilty for anyone else. Only for myself. Guilty that I feel like this but won't take the steps to end it and constantly keep putting myself through the pain and kick myself every day for not ending it.

 

[tbroken]

I was depressed many years ago and thought about ctb, we speak about more than 10 years ago. But i wanted to give this life a chance, i thought: 'i'm still immature, i don't have the right tools, i don't know life, things can change, i can move elsewhere...', all of these thoughts were true, but only if you are lucky enough. I was not.
Now i rot in hell once again, with the same devils that put me in this situation, marvelous!

 

[Meimi18]

Oh absolutely
I joke about it hoping my friends would just learn to take it lightly one day, but I feel guilty when they inevitably don't.
It feels like I'm deceiving them y'know? Even I don't know if it's all real, how are they supposed to believe it then?

 

[deathslament]

all the time, tonight's no different.

 

[roo]

its so sad that people dont take those feelings and actions seriously until youre gone

 

[sserafim]

I don't feel guilty about or for anything tbh

 

[viljalauss]

idk if i feel guilty for not ctbing in itself but i certainly do feel guilty for not ctbing but not really committing to life either - in part, still thinking / holding out hope i would be able to ctb in the future, in part reaching ages (15, 18, probably more in between and afterwards.) i really didn't think i'd live to and not knowing what to do once i'd reached them. i feel guilty for not fully going through with my first attempt, for chickening out of the 'second', i feel guilty for not trying the third again until i got it right and throughout all of these times not asking for help (even if that was because i felt like i didn't deserve it, and also because it's expensive). as it stands i am a waste on resources.

that said. i would feel far, far more guilty for trying to ctb if anyone close to me had known. i still feel quite bad for sending two of my friends short and cryptic goodbye messages when i so innocently believed that what i was gonna do could kill me. i showed up at school around half an hour later with slightly whitened lips and that was all. i say my parents would be devastated if they knew about my most recent attempt, but they sort of do? because my local doctor (not even my main one) called them to say that.. (i had to deny it).

but yea the still not being able (or honestly wanting) to commit to living is the main thing. i think even if i did it would still feel like i'm arbitrarily dragging out my existence, as it feels now, but i would probably have more consistent motivation to work towards goals that would mean i contribute to society. but the idea of disavowing suicide as an option is paralysingly scary for so many reasons, so i never really can.

 

[trashprincess]

I know I'm going to ctb eventually. The longer I wait, the more people I end up meeting in life, and thus, the more people I end up hurting when I ctb. I'm just causing more suffering because I don't want to admit I don't have a chance.

 

[3/4Dead]

This all the way. In part I feel like I have to now, with many people I've told about my plans. I feel like it'd be fucked up not to.