Venting Have You Come to Terms With Your Decision?

[Qdv]

My SN arrived the day before last and I've made a point the last few weeks to ease myself into the transitioning phase by gently reminding myself 'this is the last few sunrises/sunsets,' 'there's no need to worry about x interaction, soon you will no longer be here,' and that technique tends to work and reduce the feelings of dread I have about where Im at in life or myself.

I've watched every documentary between Netflix and Youtube I can on death and dying to desensitize myself. I've read every forum I can find for the surviving families of suicide victims, I've watched as many live suicides as I could find as well. To really remove any anxieties I'd held. The only anxiety I feel now is really up to the moment when I imagine Im laying down and maybe being conscious of myself being unable to breathe.

Im just wondering if you guys feel you've come to terms with your decision. Does anything make you feel conflicted about carrying through? Have you set a date? I have this absolute knowing in my heart if I feel this sense of purposelessness and emptiness there is no way to move forward. I am a shell from all of the trauma. Ive completely given in to my depression and even the thought of interacting with others rouses fear and tension.

 

[TrailerTrash]

Can't and won't opine on how you should act/feel - against the rules of this forum and law. For me, I have decided and set a date. When I get conflicted feelings, I visit a nearby cemetery and recognize that no one, or very few if any, people even know who these deceased were and no one, or very few, will know who I was. There are nearly 7 billion people on earth, the majority of which live - or will live - in one of the many slums in each country or, they will work until near death and their savings will likely be spent on a subpar retirement home where they will languish in discomfort and/or abuse until breathing their last breath. I choose to control when, where, and how I live and die and ......... how many commas I use in a single sentence, even when using them incorrectly. Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.

 

[sleepy dog]

I would not relax and be so sure that you will be die. Failures happen. If it does fail you need to be prepared. You do not need to be prepared for the possibility of success. You need to have a plan of what to do if it fails. Just trying to help. I am actually struggling with being okay with the suicidal thoughts. I know my intelligence tells me it would be better to not be alive. There are too many horrible things that can happen to a 53 year old poor man in the USA. I have fears of failing and being locked up in a state hospital or worse. So many fears, too many to write. Maybe I am just being paranoid.

 

[Qdv]

I have a similar thought process. Often times when Im at work I have the chance to people-watch a little bit and I witness people tied to cycles to working to spend and repeat. Most people probably feel the same lack of purpose instead maybe it becomes replaced with a sense of duty or responsibility. And you're correct...ultimately it all ends the same.

I would not relax and be so sure that you will be die. Failures happen. If it does fail you need to be prepared. You do not need to be prepared for the possibility of success. You need to have a plan of what to do if it fails. Just trying to help. I am actually struggling with being okay with the suicidal thoughts. I know my intelligence tells me it would be better to not be alive. There are too many horrible things that can happen to a 53 year old poor man in the USA. I have fears of failing and being locked up in a state hospital or worse. So many fears, too many to write. Maybe I am just being paranoid.

Im sorry you have feelings of paranoia and fear, I do appreciate your words. To be honest my experiences being committed to hospitals many times by parents are probably what drove me this far. Collectively Ive spent over three months in them. Seeing the human condition in such disparity is something I truly wish Id been spared by them. So I certainly have a level of...familiarity instead of fear. Which also brings a sense of shame. In my mind there isnt much to prepare for.

 

[trynacbt]

I think in a sense I've come to terms with my decision, in that I know it's the best and only choice for me. But I'm nervous about the circumstances around my plan, because I feel as though many things could go wrong. It's been strangely fun putting everything in place and gradually seeing myself get closer, largely because it gives me a satisfying sense of agency. But my plan will involve deceiving some of those I love, and that hurts and worries me. I know it's necessary and that in the end it will be okay, because I believe they'll understand why I did it, eventually. But that weighs heavy on my heart.

 

[Kodama]

Yes/No/Yes/No/Yes/No... Right now it's yes and probably tonight no... Fuckink mindset !

 

[Qdv]

I completely relate. In fact, the other day when the SN arrived my mom placed the package in the livingroom with no mention. But the next day she lightheartedly asked "oh what did you order?" And I found my heart sinking as I lied saying it was Vitamin B12... Despite my challenges with my mother and as deeply detrimental as the relationship has been knowing that if I succeed she will be the one to walk into my room and find me as well as imagining her reaction has brought tears to my eyes. Even as I type, wow.

But like you, I know my parents will understand. Right now some part of me feels that although it will shock and hurt them, its expected after everything thats happened the last couple years.

I too fear complications with the method, I saw in another post you'd made in the thread you're considering N or SN. I totally understand that fear of obtaining the N and its an expensive risk to take. Thats mainly why Ive chosen SN. What I notice from my research is failure mostly comes when the person is found less than an hour of ingestion or calls the hospital themselves out of fear. So that helps...if only a little

 

[trynacbt]

Are you worried at all about doing SN at home and being found? I read on here that it's helpful to use white noise if you're planning to do it at night. Right now I'm leaning towards N, but it's so hard. It feels like the consequences of failing with either method could be really terrible, mostly in the sense of other people finding out/making future attempts much more difficult.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

I've read every forum I can find for the surviving families of suicide victims

Does that not make it worse?

 

[woxihuanni]

No. I never will. There will soon be a time it's taken out of my hands anyway, then it is stop your nose and drink goodbye. But I want to live.

 

[Qdv]

Does that not make it worse?

No not really, it gives me a sense of where they are in terms of accepting it, if they expected it, and what may have lead up to it. A lot of times Im viewing

Does that not make it worse?

No not really, it gives me a sense of where they are in terms of accepting it, if they expected it, and what may have lead up to it. Most times Im viewing 'Alliance of Hope's,' website and Im scanning for the most typical method used I hope that doesn't seem cold or heartless

No. I never will. There will soon be a time it's taken out of my hands anyway, then it is stop your nose and drink goodbye. But I want to live.

Im so sorry is it that you have a physical illness your dealing with? The last few days Ive found myself wishing with all my heart that I could trade my life, my energy with someone who truly wanted to live and had limited time.

 

[Rachel74]

I have and my decision is now not to CTB.
In the time I got my N I've been put on lithium and I'm sleeping and I'm going to be getting respite away from home. I'm trying everything rather than admitting defeat and taking my N. Don't get me wrong I'm still a mess but a stronger one!

 

[Meppitech]

I was all set last night. All I had to do was drink my 20g. I know I can't face the future so I just have to get into the right state of mind again.

 

[I screwed up]

Getting over the SI is the biggest challenge for me. I try and put out / blank out the thoughts of how some.of.the people around me who care for.me. will deal with me dead as that only makes my indecisiveness worse ... But yes I can completely understand the yes/ no / yes / no feeling some.if.us here seem to have ... Damn wish it were easier ...

 

[Qdv]

I was all set last night. All I had to do was drink my 20g. I know I can't face the future so I just have to get into the right state of mind again.

I totally get this. Honestly all day at work I was thinking of your comment here. I truly cannot accept what has become of my life and have absolutely no vision of what it could be. My self image is destroyed and not only that the debt that is ultimately going to destroy my credit is from involuntary hospitalizations. I never asked for that and it really hurts. I truly feel like I have no choice. And my Tagamet just arrived today...Im in the same spot. Sorry for ranting a little

Getting over the SI is the biggest challenge for me. I try and put out / blank out the thoughts of how some.of.the people around me who care for.me. will deal with me dead as that only makes my indecisiveness worse ... But yes I can completely understand the yes/ no / yes / no feeling some.if.us here seem to have ... Damn wish it were easier ...

I've actually started to picture that my mother's life will improve. And that helps. Im not sure if that would help you at all or where youre at in your feelings on that. But part of me knows the people closest understand Ive been "struggling," for years. Although I realize my perspective is dampened by deep depression it seems there is a finite amount of shock and terror they may feel.

I have and my decision is now not to CTB.
In the time I got my N I've been put on lithium and I'm sleeping and I'm going to be getting respite away from home. I'm trying everything rather than admitting defeat and taking my N. Don't get me wrong I'm still a mess but a stronger one!

Rachel, Im so happy to hear youre finding the strength in your heart to continue fighting for life. That takes just as much courage

 

[Haku]

After 9 years of being in between wanting to live and wanting to die, I can honestly and truly say that, as of 1 year ago from this month, I have finally come to a decision and come to terms with it, that I will ctb, no looking back now, and I dont want to. I do not want anything, nothing at all, other than to ctb painlessly and peacefully, and hope it happens successfully mid this December.

 

[jusbug]

there was a voice in my head saying dont to do it dont do it but now that voice is fading away and lately i just got another good reason to ctb, i didn't set a date i just know i'm going to do it on impulse and nothing is going to stop me not SI or anything, i'm done guys i cant take it anymore i cant