Discussion Have you attempted to CTB?

[HadItAll]

I haven't yet, I am not looking forward to fighting SI, hopefully I won't have any when I do.

 

[Darkover]

i've had two attempts before one was with paracetamol overdose that was impulsive decision lefted me with a damged stomach lining
the second time was with 98 percent olanzapine overdose and 2 percent other prescription drugs i was completely unconscious for 2 days

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I'm definitely interested in the results of this poll. Obviously, there's the issue of anyone who's succeeded can't respond but… I still think it'll be helpful for people to not feel alone, whichever side of the poll they fall on.

 

[Krieger]

No, as I've always figured I'd garuntee I would be dead if I attempted.

 

[SilentSadness]

I have not actually ended up harming myself but I have tried to ctb several times. I supposed you could say I failed my attempts at attempts.

 

[Soulless Angel]

took over 100 Quatipene (cant spell that shit) Turned me into a fucking twitching idiot who was hallucinating for hours...> yea not trying that one again!

 

[itsallpointless]

No becUse I know I'll die on the first attempt

 

[jodes2]

Dozens of times. Went to beachy head 4 times. Tried gas 4 times. Tried partial at least 25 times. But I'm doing a bit better now, not having serious suicidal thoughts. Just occasionally not wanting to be around. But I have my SN. So if/when I do attempt next, there's a very good chance it'll be lethal. But the attempt might be decades away. Life still fucking sucks at times but I'm probably gonna stick around, for better or worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, not properly as the thought of potentially failing terrifies me. I will always hate how it's so difficult to finally leave this hellish world behind, if it was much easier to leave I would be long gone at this point.

 

[soysoysoy]

sorry if this comes off as a vent? this was almost a year ago and I've stopped caring about it for the most part. Just wanted to share my story for anyone who is interested.

Anyways, I have before, I was in the midst of one of the worst episodes of my life. I had been in a constant state of psychosis for months, obsessing over my FP who I couldn't have a relationship with anymore. And he never made it clear whether we could get back together or not which made me spiral more. After tormenting myself for what felt like forever I got super drunk one night ~10pm and got a gun from a spot where I knew my dad kept it. I pulled a few bullets out of their chambers and gave It a spin (revolver obv, I forget what kind but it had hollow point rounds. 2 bullets.). I then proceeded to yell at my FP to tell me to pull the trigger for what felt like hours until the police showed up and escorted me to a hospital to be admitted to a ward. Did I probably scar him for the rest of his life? yup. Do I regret it? No, he is the source of so many of the issues I struggle with today. Making him feel or see a fraction of the pain I endured and still continue to endure felt good, and it will continue to feel good.

My issue was that my SI was too strong and I was convinced he would tell me to pull the trigger (even though that's unrealistic, I didn't know that because I was in a psychotic episode), I stalled for long enough for the police to show up to my house (FP called them), and ended up failing with a method that would normally be 100% successful. At least with what I was using it should have been. I still don't view it as a failure because I got back at the person who made my life hell for months (months that felt like years) and I can't describe what I would do to hear the phone call between him and the 911 operator that night. I rarely feel so much hate for one person but he is an exception.

Sometimes I go back and read the diary I kept during the months leading up to my attempt, I wrote entries almost daily and the decline In my mental health is very apparent. I was already mentally ill before he left me, but his staying around made me get a lot worse. He abandoned me after I came back from the ward. He was gone and I was left alone to fix the things he broke on the way out. Namely making me out to be insane to all of our mutual friends. I'm glad I was able to see my friends because I HAVE been doing a lot better, but I will never forgive him for leaving me the way I am now. And I feel that I'm right for that.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

I'm on take 9 here. I'm at the point where I'm more scared of botching than the actual act.

 

[HadItAll]

I'm on take 9 here. I'm at the point where I'm more scared of botching than the actual act.

Botching is the only thing I'm scared of and I've never even had an attempt

 

[suprswag]

Yes, I have quite a few times. All hanging or something around my neck.
The attempt I'm sure would have been successful was a full suspension, but police came and talked me out of it before I could even do it.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

I'm glad I'm not alone there... believe me; messing it up just makes you want it more, but be afraid of it, and that is so bad...

 

[Hotsackage]

half ass attempts messing around with partial and trying to od on pills and booze. dont plan on practicing partial or doing anything stupid again. you dont wanna mess around with partial if youre serious about ctbing.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I've tried 5 times, but only my last 3 were any kind of a real attempt.

1) Tried collecting a whole bunch of apple seeds for cyanide poisoning. Gave up after learning that death by cyanide poisoning is actually incredibly painful even if only for just a few minutes.
2) Tried overdosing on alcohol, then jumped out of my bedroom window after banging my head against my wardrobe door multiple times before my dad got up to my bedroom.
3) Overdosed on alcohol and sleeping tablets. I drank far more alcohol than I did in the previous attempt.
4) Overdosed on caffeine from energy drinks. I suspect this is what gave me coeliac disease (or some form of autoimmune disorder).
5) Went to a coastal cliff that I won't name because I don't want to give the Chaplaincy Team any ideas on other locations that they should patrol. Planned on jumping but I chickened out in the end.

With the exception of the last one, they all never had any proper planning. I'll make sure that'll be different for my next CTB attempt, I'm already in the process of carefully planning out the options available to me.

 

[listless]

ive never tried, just thought about it my whole life pretty much, and ive only thought about it more and more the older i get. i had a plan for a long time but only just recently learned that it probably wouldnt work, and i want my way out to be perfect and definitely have minimal risk of failure, so i dont even have a solid plan right now, though i have been forming a new one.

 

[bennydiazapine]

Yeah had a really solid crack at intentional opiate OD. Took a crazy cocktail and somehow managed to survive. Doctors all said it was a miracle.

 

[prim]

yess when i was 13 years old- but it was unsuccessful clearly. i did not drink enough to kill me due to alcohol poisoning

 

[nilahq]

I've tried to CTB twice. The first attempt was of me strangling myself with my hands (I know it's stupid and SI kicked in so I just felt woozy afterwards) out of a fit of rage. The second time was by hanging which I could've gone through successfully but I chickened out. My suicidal thoughts are less frequent now but I think I would prefer to CTB by strangulation- possibly even SN.

 

[Tartuffe]

I tried slitting my wrists after bailing jumping of a high distance, I took 120 cocodomol tablets, nothing happened! Lol and also tried hanging a few times but cant find the spot to lose conscienceness. I now have SN. Hopefully this bus is the one.

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

While I have tried to smother myself with my pillow in a fit of despair one late night a few months ago, I have yet to find the courage to commit to the idea fully. I am fairly young, my family is still around, I have people who 'care' about me. I feel an immense guilt thinking of how they'd feel finding me dead, therefore I can't CTB yet. I wait until I either lose my mother or simply get fed up with living to a point I can't resist ending it all.

 

[lukas19]

took over 100 Quatipene (cant spell that shit) Turned me into a fucking twitching idiot who was hallucinating for hours...> yea not trying that one again!

Ditto i took over 100 propranolol. Hallucinating for hours and couldn't walk for 24hrs as my nerves were not working properly

 

[Soulless Angel]

Ditto i took over 100 propranolol. Hallucinating for hours and couldn't walk for 24hrs as my nerves were not working properly

its a fucked up feeling isn't it?!! I was sat in the back of FIL's car, and I recall a really vivid hallucination, I almost acted out on, I felt such a twat.....