Have to leave today but so scared

[Rae82]

I have no other choice but to end my life. My health problems are absolutely and totally unbearable. They've ruined my life and I just cannot take them anymore. But here's my problem, I don't want to die. I just can't live like this. I really and truly can't.
My SN arrived the other day and domperidone is arriving today. I need to find the courage from somewhere to do this today. I know suicidal people say they are bringing their family down, but my health problems actually are.
I'm so scared of a painful death, I'm scared that the SN won't work and then what? I'll be sectioned and drugged and trapped even more.
I also have to do it at home but my partner will arrive back with my daughter and I don't want her to be scared and scarred by this. How can I prevent that from happening? Maybe a scheduled email to my partner to tell him not to come home and to take my daughter to her grandmas and call the police. I don't know. I just know that I can't go another day with the symptoms I'm experiencing that are getting worse with no hope of getting better.

 

[Conflict3d]

Hello, can I ask if you are a Covid Long hauler? Sounds similar to how I'm feeling. I don't want to die but my health problems make life miserable.

 

[Rae82]

No I have empty nose syndrome symptoms. I can't breathe right. I don't feel the air in my nose or temp changes and I feel like I'm suffocating 24/7. I can't relax, I can't sleep. I just can't go on.

 

[aminend]

I understand u. I've same condition. I hope u find ur peace with every decision u make.

 

[Rae82]

I understand u. I've same condition. I hope u find ur peace with every decision u make.

Thank you. I can't carry on. My septum mucosa and turb mucosa is atrophied. Never any moisture and adding oils etc isn't helping one bit. My nose is just numb.
My poor little girl. She hugged me goodbye this morning before nursery with absolutely no idea that her world could potentially come crashing down. She's so wonderful, but I just can't carry on with these physical symptoms.

 

[motel rooms]

I also have to do it at home but my partner will arrive back with my daughter and I don't want her to be scared and scarred by this.

Why do you have to do it at home?

 

[Conflict3d]

Can I ask how long you've been experiencing this? After Covid I felt like I was suffocating 24/7. This went on for months and it's pure hell. I went to the ER 9 times and at Month 5 I went to a psych hospital because if not that I would have shot myself. I just couldn't bare it anymore. Month 6 by some miracle my breathing got better. I'm on month 7 and My breathing is still pretty bad and far from normal but it's bearable now.
wish you the best with whatever you decide.

 

[Rae82]

Why do you have to do it at home?

I don't know where else I could do it and am feeling too weak and dizzy to get in my car and drive anywhere remote.

Can I ask how long you've been experiencing this? After Covid I felt like I was suffocating 24/7. This went on for months and it's pure hell. I went to the ER 9 times and at Month 5 I went to a psych hospital because if not that I would have shot myself. I just couldn't bare it anymore. Month 6 by some miracle my breathing got better. I'm on month 7 and My breathing is still pretty bad and far from normal but it's bearable now.
wish you the best with whatever you decide.

10 months of increasingly bad symptoms. It's not from covid, it's from damage to my nose and lining of my nose and turbinates.

 

[hʚll]

hey, i'm sorry it has come to this. if you decide to do it, i hope the other side will be a kinder place for you than this..

 

[Rae82]

hey, i'm sorry it has come to this. if you decide to do it, i hope the other side will be a kinder place for you than this..

Thank you!!

 

[fly away]

I so feel for you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you love and peace.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't know where else I could do it and am feeling too weak and dizzy to get in my car and drive anywhere remote.

I don't think you've thought this through very carefully. You don't have to ctb today, make a better plan if you don't want your partner to find you & call for help

 

[Rae82]

I don't think you've thought this through very carefully. You don't have to ctb today, make a better plan if you don't want your partner to find you & call for help

I will have around 3 hours from taking SN to my partner coming home. It's a truly awful situation but I can't face another day of this horrible breathing. I'm actually suffocating because of my nose and can't get air in right. Every second is torture

 

[logan]

As @hotelbeneathground said - please don't do anything rash and take your time if you really want to do it and especially how and when. Especially if you have a husband and a child.

 

[Rae82]

As @hotelbeneathground said - please don't do anything rash and take your time if you really want to do it and especially how and when. Especially if you have a husband and a child.

I honestly can't take another day of this suffocating and taking tiny horrible breaths. I can't even begin to describe how much hell I'm in because of it.
I just really need for the SN to work and for me not to fail as I wouldn't be able to face the consequences of that.
I have the SN, Nexium, diazepam, propranolol and I will have domperidone later today.

 

[motel rooms]

I honestly can't take another day of this suffocating and taking tiny horrible breaths. I can't even begin to describe how much hell I'm in because of it.

I just have a feeling that you're in a state of total panic. If you mess this up, you'll just waste your SN & end up taking horrible tiny breaths in the hospital... How much time alone would you have if you attempted tomorrow? I bet it's more than 3 hours

 

[Rae82]

None tomorrow as my partner has the day off with my daughter.
I haven't eaten since 10pm last night and that was just a snack. I didn't eat much yesterday. Will this affect my success. Is it possible to have fasted too long or will it help?

 

[motel rooms]

None tomorrow as my partner has the day off with my daughter.
I haven't eaten since 10pm last night and that was just a snack. I didn't eat much yesterday. Will this affect my success. Is it possible to have fasted too long or will it help?

Stan's guide:
"Unconscious

This may take up to 20 minutes to happen from drinking the SN. Be aware that fainting can happen quickly. Those who already from low blood pressure will succumb quicker.

Death

Anywhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours depending on your health and natural metabolism. There is no way to give an individual person a time of death from consumption. When discovered, your skin will have changed colour to a grey or blue due to the cyanosis. Because of the wide time frame that death can be reached, it is vital that you factor this in your plan so you do not get found and saved."

---

I'm afraid that 3 hours might not be enough for you to successfully ctb...

 

[Rae82]

Surely I wouldn't be saved after 3 hours anyway though?
I need to do it today. I just need to find the courage.

 

[hʚll]

Surely I wouldn't be saved after 3 hours anyway though?

maybe another hour can be added to the 3s considering the time the ambulance takes to get to you, figure out what happened, take you to hospital etc. but i'm not sure... time to die is very variable

 

[motel rooms]

maybe another hour can be added to the 3s considering the time the ambulance takes to get to you, figure out what happened, taking you to hospital etc. but i'm not sure... time to die is very variable

Yeah, it seems risky...

 

[Rae82]

I have to do it today. I can't take another night of not sleeping cos I can't breathe. I wouldn't be able to do it tomorrow or the weekend. I can't go on. I can't breathe.

 

[hʚll]

I have to do it today. I can't take another night of not sleeping cos I can't breathe. I wouldn't be able to do it tomorrow or the weekend. I can't go on. I can't breathe.

i'm sorry you're forced to do it today.. i really hope you can find the end to your suffering. good luck

 

[motel rooms]

I have to do it today. I can't take another night of not sleeping cos I can't breathe. I wouldn't be able to do it tomorrow or the weekend. I can't go on. I can't breathe.

I don't know what to tell you... I know it feels like you're suffocating, but you really should try & postpone this until you're able to have at least 5-6 hours of privacy

 

[logan]

Better not do it under these conditions ...

 

[Rae82]

I'm going to start my preparations and then see how I feel.
I honestly wish things hadn't come to this. Probably the hardest thing is that apart from the anxiety that the breathing symptoms are causing, I don't have mental health problems, so overcoming SI is difficult as really I just want to live as I was before I started having problems with my nose and breathing.

 

[logan]

If you want to live, then hold on. If it really doesn't get better in the near future, you can still implement your plan.

You cannot undo this step!

 

[Rae82]

If you want to live, then hold on. If it really doesn't get better in the near future, you can still implement your plan.

You cannot undo this step!

I can't physically suffer anymore though. It's too much. I can't breathe through my nose because of the damage to it and I'm not automatically breathing anymore. Mouth breathing doesn't work either.
I'm just exhausted from it.
I know that my partner will have such a hard time coming but I also know his family will support him, as will my brother. He might (and will probably want to) sell the house, downsize and release equity and then he will also have my life assurance through work. I have told him in my letter to him to please move on and find someone to love who can also be a mother figure to my daughter. This absolutely breaks my heart. I cried tears of joy when I found out I was having a girl when pregnant. I couldn't wait for all the future together we'd have but all that really can't happen now. It's devastating but that shows just how debilitating this breathing is that I'd give up all that. That's how much I'm suffering.

 

[logan]

Have you already tried to get medical help? Unlike psychological problems, there is certainly a way to get relief in classical medicine.

 

[Rae82]

Yes I've been to several ENTs. The last one I went to did a test for the cilia in my nose which are the tiny hairs that sweep mucus to your throat. I either don't have any left because of the damage or they aren't working. He called it secondary cilia dyskinesia. He is referring me to a more specialised team but it's just like empty nose syndrome and there isn't a cure. I've tried for months with saline rinses, oils etc and just leaving my nose alone but nothing has helped and it's just got worse.
I've taken 3 paracetamol, Nexium and 40mg propranolol.
Waiting for my domperidone
Will take some diazepam shortly