Unikko
Member
- Oct 16, 2019
- 13
Because if I don't, I'd just end up hating myself more than I ever thought possible. Kind of wish it was possible to keep going for a little while longer, but that's just not an option anymore, have made sure of that through my own actions (and inactions.) Took my last remaining dose of my opioid of choice a couple of hours ago, and have made no additional orders for more (if there was even a small chance of getting quality product I'd certainly take that but I can't delude myself enough to believe it). For the last couple of months it has not been anywhere near enough to do anything but keep the absolute worst of the withdrawals and pain at bay, so I've also added a bunch of loperamide on top of it these last few days, figuring I'd make my final moments as comfortable as possible. While the combo has certainly worked better for both withdrawal and pain issues than either one by themselves, the loperamide has also made me very dizzy and intensely nauseous which sucks, since I wanted to make the best out of a bad situation by eating a bunch of junk food and chainsmoking cigarettes, both of which now make me feel like puking. I have a bunch of long drink that has been lying in my fridge since I first bought my rope, just in case I felt I couldn't go through with this without some alcohol, but now I don't even know if I'm able to stomach that without hurling.
So just to quickly reiterate my plan: my method of choice is full suspension hanging. I'm most likely going to use a rope, though I'd prefer a belt if I could be a bit more sure of it being able to hold my full weight. I'm going to place the rope inbetween my closet door and the closet, on top of the uppermost hinge holding the door in place. I have a bunch of knots tied to the end of the rope to keep it from slipping out, and a slipknot on the other end. Pics can be found in the hanging megathread if anyone's curious. I tested lubricating the rope just now with soap and olive oil, but I'm not sure if that would help much, it seemed to just make the rope wet. Perhaps I should just slather my neck with some soap immediately before doing it? I'm also not sure whether to tie my hands behind my back before jumping off. I would obviously like to minimize both the time and pain that would precede me falling unconscious, but mainly I'm just wanting it to work, for the rope and suspension point to hold, and no one interfering before I'm gone for good. If getting there proves to be a longer and more painful process than anticipated, so be it as long as I have no way of aborting midway through.
Hmm, what else... Going to use a cardboard package that my computer monitor came in to use as a makeshift stool. Stuffed it with some clothes to make it a bit more sturdy and taped a couple of books on top of it on which to stand on, for added height and so as to make my body weight fall a bit more evenly on it. The only bucket I own just isn't high enough for my neck to reach the rope if I were to stand on top of it, and I'm not confident in my ability to kick away a proper hefty chair after I fall down and start dangling. This way I can stand on a chair while setting everything up, step on my stool substitute and then use my hand to push away the chair. After that I can still use a bit of rope to tie my hands behind my back if I feel like that's a good idea, and all that's left for me to do is try and use my feet to give the "stool" a bit of a nudge, letting it fall down. I've tried to test whether I can still reach it with my feet having the rope on my neck and it doesn't seem like I can, not easily at least. Can't really think of anything else when it comes to the process itself, I'm sure I've already made it far more complicated than it has any right to be. I think it's now time to stop obsessing over the finer details, I've got the basic gist of the plan down and at least for the time being, I'm perfectly content with it. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is and I just have to trust it'll work.
Dunno what else to say. Written three small messages (literally just a sentence or two for each) that I thought I might send to three recipients: my counselor, my mother and my online friends. Not sure I'll end up sending them, though. Only the first one is something that I'd consider myself to be a bit of an asshole for opting out of, since if I didn't inform someone of my passing, my body would only be discovered once it had started to rot and stink up the whole building. I'm probably already viewed as a rather unpleasant person by my neighbors, not being able to hold a conversation if someone approached me and just, like, being a reeking weirdo for not taking care of my hygiene in any adequate capacity. Since I now shaved and showered, it kind of makes sense to not let that go to waste by letting my corpse become a biohazard. So I think I should let my counselor know that I've committed suicide, and ask him to contact whoever it is that needs to be contacted to make sure whatever's left of me is taken care of in a timely manner. There's not a whole lot I can think of to tell my mother, but maybe it'd be the decent thing to do to let her hear the news from me personally, rather than being informed of it by the police or whoever. I wonder if my online buddies would ever hear of what happened if I were not to send someone an e-mail and ask them to share it with the group. I've disappeared from the chat groups before for long stretches of time and a couple of times been later told that people were wondering where I've gone, so maybe I should let them know. As said, there's just not a whole lot I can think of to say, so I can't help but feel I might as well not say anything. We'll see what happens, still have some hours left before having to make a decision on that.
Don't know what my purpose in writing all these things here is. Maybe it'll help me to commit to my decision, it'd be pretty embarrassing to keep on being alive after telling someone (even if it's strangers online) otherwise. Or maybe I'm just in the mood for some small amount of social interaction and this is the best place to get that in this moment, don't really want to talk with anyone who knows me anymore. I'm kind of hoping someone knowledgeable would be able to share some weird secret trick for making my method work with 100% certainty, swiftness and comfort, that'd be really cool. Probably not a likely thing to happen, but whatever, might as well keep on reading the forums a bit and see if I'm feeling well enough to eat a little something. If I don't feel too nauseous, I might even try having a few drinks, I'm counting on that to help me finish the job before the day is through.
So just to quickly reiterate my plan: my method of choice is full suspension hanging. I'm most likely going to use a rope, though I'd prefer a belt if I could be a bit more sure of it being able to hold my full weight. I'm going to place the rope inbetween my closet door and the closet, on top of the uppermost hinge holding the door in place. I have a bunch of knots tied to the end of the rope to keep it from slipping out, and a slipknot on the other end. Pics can be found in the hanging megathread if anyone's curious. I tested lubricating the rope just now with soap and olive oil, but I'm not sure if that would help much, it seemed to just make the rope wet. Perhaps I should just slather my neck with some soap immediately before doing it? I'm also not sure whether to tie my hands behind my back before jumping off. I would obviously like to minimize both the time and pain that would precede me falling unconscious, but mainly I'm just wanting it to work, for the rope and suspension point to hold, and no one interfering before I'm gone for good. If getting there proves to be a longer and more painful process than anticipated, so be it as long as I have no way of aborting midway through.
Hmm, what else... Going to use a cardboard package that my computer monitor came in to use as a makeshift stool. Stuffed it with some clothes to make it a bit more sturdy and taped a couple of books on top of it on which to stand on, for added height and so as to make my body weight fall a bit more evenly on it. The only bucket I own just isn't high enough for my neck to reach the rope if I were to stand on top of it, and I'm not confident in my ability to kick away a proper hefty chair after I fall down and start dangling. This way I can stand on a chair while setting everything up, step on my stool substitute and then use my hand to push away the chair. After that I can still use a bit of rope to tie my hands behind my back if I feel like that's a good idea, and all that's left for me to do is try and use my feet to give the "stool" a bit of a nudge, letting it fall down. I've tried to test whether I can still reach it with my feet having the rope on my neck and it doesn't seem like I can, not easily at least. Can't really think of anything else when it comes to the process itself, I'm sure I've already made it far more complicated than it has any right to be. I think it's now time to stop obsessing over the finer details, I've got the basic gist of the plan down and at least for the time being, I'm perfectly content with it. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is and I just have to trust it'll work.
Dunno what else to say. Written three small messages (literally just a sentence or two for each) that I thought I might send to three recipients: my counselor, my mother and my online friends. Not sure I'll end up sending them, though. Only the first one is something that I'd consider myself to be a bit of an asshole for opting out of, since if I didn't inform someone of my passing, my body would only be discovered once it had started to rot and stink up the whole building. I'm probably already viewed as a rather unpleasant person by my neighbors, not being able to hold a conversation if someone approached me and just, like, being a reeking weirdo for not taking care of my hygiene in any adequate capacity. Since I now shaved and showered, it kind of makes sense to not let that go to waste by letting my corpse become a biohazard. So I think I should let my counselor know that I've committed suicide, and ask him to contact whoever it is that needs to be contacted to make sure whatever's left of me is taken care of in a timely manner. There's not a whole lot I can think of to tell my mother, but maybe it'd be the decent thing to do to let her hear the news from me personally, rather than being informed of it by the police or whoever. I wonder if my online buddies would ever hear of what happened if I were not to send someone an e-mail and ask them to share it with the group. I've disappeared from the chat groups before for long stretches of time and a couple of times been later told that people were wondering where I've gone, so maybe I should let them know. As said, there's just not a whole lot I can think of to say, so I can't help but feel I might as well not say anything. We'll see what happens, still have some hours left before having to make a decision on that.
Don't know what my purpose in writing all these things here is. Maybe it'll help me to commit to my decision, it'd be pretty embarrassing to keep on being alive after telling someone (even if it's strangers online) otherwise. Or maybe I'm just in the mood for some small amount of social interaction and this is the best place to get that in this moment, don't really want to talk with anyone who knows me anymore. I'm kind of hoping someone knowledgeable would be able to share some weird secret trick for making my method work with 100% certainty, swiftness and comfort, that'd be really cool. Probably not a likely thing to happen, but whatever, might as well keep on reading the forums a bit and see if I'm feeling well enough to eat a little something. If I don't feel too nauseous, I might even try having a few drinks, I'm counting on that to help me finish the job before the day is through.
