-nobodyknows-
Student
- Jun 16, 2024
- 141
August 15th. The sun had long since set, but the air was still muggy and hot. As I ran up the apartment building's stairs, my body was an endless fountain of sweat.
"Goodbye."
Just one word sent from her LINE account.
I knew right away what it meant.
I had been at work despite it being the Obon vacation season. After throwing my stuff together, I rushed home to the building where I lived.
And up on the roof, outside the railing, was where I found her standing with vacant eyes.
This was actually the fourth time I had seen her attempting to jump to her death.
It's said there are two types of people:
those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.
Most of the people in the world are the former, but she was unquestionably the latter.
I knew Thanatos ruled her even before I started dating her.
Well, of course I did—we met on the roof of this building when I saved her from a similar suicide attempt.
The girl said she had just moved in. Though she had an adorable face with round eyes and full lips, there was something hopeless about her expression; she stole my heart in an instant. I think it must have been love at first sight.
After that we started talking more and grew close.
I was living all alone and being exploited at work, so to me, she was like an angel who had come fluttering down from heaven.
But I did wonder one thing.
Whenever she was attempting suicide, she contacted me. And she always waited where she was until I arrived.
Wouldn't it be more of a sure thing to die alone without telling anyone? My personal interpretation was that somewhere in her heart she wanted me to stop her like the time we met, to save her.
So there I was, running up the stairs again.
"Hahh, hahh..."
I made it to the roof.
She was standing outside the railing, facing away from me.
"Wait...!"
I jumped over the railing and took her hand.
Unlike the muggy air, her hand was freezing.
"Let go of me."
Her voice was a charming, fleeting sound like the tone of a bell. I loved her voice.
"Why do you always do this...?!"
"I just want to hurry up and die."
"Why...?!"
"Because the God of Death is calling me."
She could see the God of Death. Apparently that's a rare symptom of being ruled by Thanatos.
And only people Thanatos rules can see it.
"There's no God of Death!"
"Why don't you get it...?!"
When I denied the existence of her god, she would always sob.
The God of Death always appears in the form most tempting to the one seeing it. That is, it takes the form of their ideal companion.
When she was looking at the God of Death (of course, to me, she seemed to be gazing into empty space), she looked like a girl in love. Like she had fallen head over heels.
I hated seeing that her face like that.
"Don't look at the God of Death, look at me!"
"No...!"
She tried to shake my hand off, and I squeezed harder than I meant to.
"Ow...!"
"Ngh! Sorry..."
But it's your fault. You're the one who tried to shake me off. You're the one who won't look at me.
"The God of Death would never do that...!"
Something dark and ugly swept over my heart.
"Why...?"
I love you so much, so why can't you just look at me?
Somewhere in my mind I knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the God of Death, but I didn't care anymore.
"I'm sick of this."
I'm sick of it, too.
"I'm tired."
I'm tired, too.
"I just wanna die!"
"I wanna die, too!"
The moment I said it, she looked up.
She was smiling.
The moment I saw her face, I felt the dark ugliness in my heart vanish.
Huh? You mean...?
"So...you finally figured it out?"
"Yeah...I finally get it."
"Really...? Phew."
Ohh, I see.
You didn't call me during your suicide attempts because you wanted me to save you.
You wanted to take me with you.
She was my God of Death.
A chilly wind blew. At some point, I had stopped feeling the muggy heat.
"Then shall we?"
"Yeah, let's go."
You and I, holding hands.
In order to escape the frustration this world causes us,
we set off running toward the night sky
"Goodbye."
Just one word sent from her LINE account.
I knew right away what it meant.
I had been at work despite it being the Obon vacation season. After throwing my stuff together, I rushed home to the building where I lived.
And up on the roof, outside the railing, was where I found her standing with vacant eyes.
This was actually the fourth time I had seen her attempting to jump to her death.
It's said there are two types of people:
those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.
Most of the people in the world are the former, but she was unquestionably the latter.
I knew Thanatos ruled her even before I started dating her.
Well, of course I did—we met on the roof of this building when I saved her from a similar suicide attempt.
The girl said she had just moved in. Though she had an adorable face with round eyes and full lips, there was something hopeless about her expression; she stole my heart in an instant. I think it must have been love at first sight.
After that we started talking more and grew close.
I was living all alone and being exploited at work, so to me, she was like an angel who had come fluttering down from heaven.
But I did wonder one thing.
Whenever she was attempting suicide, she contacted me. And she always waited where she was until I arrived.
Wouldn't it be more of a sure thing to die alone without telling anyone? My personal interpretation was that somewhere in her heart she wanted me to stop her like the time we met, to save her.
So there I was, running up the stairs again.
"Hahh, hahh..."
I made it to the roof.
She was standing outside the railing, facing away from me.
"Wait...!"
I jumped over the railing and took her hand.
Unlike the muggy air, her hand was freezing.
"Let go of me."
Her voice was a charming, fleeting sound like the tone of a bell. I loved her voice.
"Why do you always do this...?!"
"I just want to hurry up and die."
"Why...?!"
"Because the God of Death is calling me."
She could see the God of Death. Apparently that's a rare symptom of being ruled by Thanatos.
And only people Thanatos rules can see it.
"There's no God of Death!"
"Why don't you get it...?!"
When I denied the existence of her god, she would always sob.
The God of Death always appears in the form most tempting to the one seeing it. That is, it takes the form of their ideal companion.
When she was looking at the God of Death (of course, to me, she seemed to be gazing into empty space), she looked like a girl in love. Like she had fallen head over heels.
I hated seeing that her face like that.
"Don't look at the God of Death, look at me!"
"No...!"
She tried to shake my hand off, and I squeezed harder than I meant to.
"Ow...!"
"Ngh! Sorry..."
But it's your fault. You're the one who tried to shake me off. You're the one who won't look at me.
"The God of Death would never do that...!"
Something dark and ugly swept over my heart.
"Why...?"
I love you so much, so why can't you just look at me?
Somewhere in my mind I knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the God of Death, but I didn't care anymore.
"I'm sick of this."
I'm sick of it, too.
"I'm tired."
I'm tired, too.
"I just wanna die!"
"I wanna die, too!"
The moment I said it, she looked up.
She was smiling.
The moment I saw her face, I felt the dark ugliness in my heart vanish.
Huh? You mean...?
"So...you finally figured it out?"
"Yeah...I finally get it."
"Really...? Phew."
Ohh, I see.
You didn't call me during your suicide attempts because you wanted me to save you.
You wanted to take me with you.
She was my God of Death.
A chilly wind blew. At some point, I had stopped feeling the muggy heat.
"Then shall we?"
"Yeah, let's go."
You and I, holding hands.
In order to escape the frustration this world causes us,
we set off running toward the night sky
I find it strangely relatable. The best person I have ever known is also the one who makes me want to die.
