Venting Have an amazing life but still suicidal

[XdragonsoulX]

I have an amazing life currently, a loving partner who I'm engaged to, several wonderful cats and other critters, and have been accomplishing so many goals this past year. Honestly the most improved and happy year of my life. but I still am feeling like I'm not enough for me, and will never make my family proud as they don't even speak to me anymore. I've wanted to ctb my whole life, it's all I see, but I'm never content with myself I constantly feel like a burden to those around me, that if I didn't have my partner and his family where would I be standing with my life? Would i already be dead? I suck at saving, I suck at a lot of things, unless it's work that's the only thing I'm good at and it's a pointless waste in the long run. But with how this past year has gone I've seeked a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis, I have severe anxiety and depression, I've been put on medication and even tho I've been feeling great and am happy to have a better life I feel when I go I'll leave my partner feeling like I lead him on. I'm so afraid of it, but every single day all I think about is me hanging. I don't know what to do and if it's even righteous to have a happy suicide.

 

[itsraining]

I feel the same, everything should point to me being "happy" but I'm just drained and want to end it

 

[アホペンギン]

In my eyes, every reason to ctb is valid, not everyone can handle things similarly so one thing may be devastating to someone while it would be perfectly fine for someone else. Just because you have an amazing life doesn't mean it is impossible to develop suicidal ideation at some point, it happens to everyone and especially someone with that many mental disorders like you have.

I'm glad that your life is amazing and I'm sorry everything came to this point, I'd personally love to live a life like yours but I'm questioning whether I'd still be suicidal or not. Highly likely that I'd still be suicidal, even with a life like yours so you aren't in the wrong for thinking how you do.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

In my eyes, every reason to ctb is valid, not everyone can handle things similarly so one thing may be devastating to someone while it would be perfectly fine for someone else. Just because you have an amazing life doesn't mean it is impossible to develop suicidal ideation at some point, it happens to everyone and especially someone with that many mental disorders like you have.

I'm glad that your life is amazing and I'm sorry everything came to this point, I'd personally love to live a life like yours but I'm questioning whether I'd still be suicidal or not. Highly likely that I'd still be suicidal, even with a life like yours so you aren't in the wrong for thinking how you do.

I've been suicidal since I was 9 used to tell my dad how I could kill myself at any point. But it really came into effect when I was 15, so it's all I've really seen for myself, but I'm afraid my partner won't understand my reasonings fully. My life overall hasn't been the best but this past year has been different it almost doesn't feel real.

I feel the same, everything should point to me being "happy" but I'm just drained and want to end it

I feel I shouldn't be tired or afraid but my anxiety gets worse everyday, I'm now afraid of things not being sturdy enough and will crumble and break if there is anything too heavy. Like everything is made up of card houses.

 

[Decayed]

it's the same for me it sucks when everything is going right but your still suicidal cause it leaves you with no explanation and makes you feel crazy

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm clinically depressed and bipolar . I have had a small number of times in life when things were relatively good, yet I was still very unhappy.
I think my needing to die is due to existential crisis, as well as mental illness.
Suicide is a deeply personal choice.
If life becomes unbearable then it is a perfectly valid option.
You have to do what is right for you and feel no guilt when the time comes.

 

[figurehead]

I'm bipolar too. I've been living w it (and sometimes dying because of it) since my late teens (I'm 50 now). My life is good, albeit not perfect. Am I sometimes happy? I guess so but the illness has plague everywhere so even when I'm well there's some part of me that wants to suck me in. Last year, tho, my daughter was very ill and that changed a bit everything. She had cancer and had to undergo cheimotherapy for a year. Was I afraid to lose her? Absolutely. But I didn't shed one single tear. It wasn't my "turn"to be the one playing with that, so I had to be strong. Sorry wrote too much without much sense\

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I'm bipolar too. I've been living w it (and sometimes dying because of it) since my late teens (I'm 50 now). My life is good, albeit not perfect. Am I sometimes happy? I guess so but the illness has plague everywhere so even when I'm well there's some part of me that wants to suck me in. Last year, tho, my daughter was very ill and that changed a bit everything. She had cancer and had to undergo cheimotherapy for a year. Was I afraid to lose her? Absolutely. But I didn't shed one single tear. It wasn't my "turn"to be the one playing with that, so I had to be strong. Sorry wrote too much without much sense\

I have had suspicions of me being bipolar since I was young, my mom had it so I knew I was destined to have it as well hearing my dad constantly tell me how I'm just like my mom. I'm 26 now and even tho I have the diagnosis and it makes everything make sense as far as my emotions go, but like you it plagues me, even when I'm happy I know eventually I will Fuck it up.

Did your daughter do better with the chemo? Cancer is pretty rough to deal with, I've seen the effects of it watching my grandfather and other family members who've suffered with it. :/

 

[day]

It's understandable why you feel this way. Existence is just so insufferable regardless of your position in life. I don't think there's any way to escape this horrible feeling outside of CTB. It's rather sad we live in such an awful world where were forced to suffer instead being offered a peaceful and reliable way out when we're ready.

 

[Cress]

Honestly I've dealt with Being suicidal for so long that it's almost turned into a Coping mechanism or personality trait. Even when my life was better There were certain points I still always had it in my head that I would not live for too much longer.

It allowed me to only deal with the next few days or weeks or next month without really worrying about the next five years as there wouldn't be a next 5 years for me at least.

 

[figurehead]

I have had suspicions of me being bipolar since I was young, my mom had it so I knew I was destined to have it as well hearing my dad constantly tell me how I'm just like my mom. I'm 26 now and even tho I have the diagnosis and it makes everything make sense as far as my emotions go, but like you it plagues me, even when I'm happy I know eventually I will Fuck it up.

Did your daughter do better with the chemo? Cancer is pretty rough to deal with, I've seen the effects of it watching my grandfather and other family members who've suffered with it. :/

hi I'm not religious AT ALL, quite on the contrary, but I think we were very lucky about my daughter's chemo. She did for a year without any side effects and finished last January. I know chemo can be devastating on itself, but I think it's kinder on teens. Her hair has grown back and now we have just to do the follow ups for a few years.

Your mum had bipolar too. That was my greatest fear after all 'we don't ask to be born, even less with such a horrible disease. As far as I know no one has bipolar but they do have other disorders. (My pregnancy was a horror show, I'd NEVER do that again, but I love her it's the kind of thing that helps keeping you alive, even the darkest times. I still think that I'll die by suicide someday but she's a safety net.