You are so fortunate to have N, if I had that I would leave this world as soon as possible, it would be so incredibly ideal. But at least in my case, just existing and being aware of the horrific reality of this world would be enough to make me take the N. It sounds so beautiful to me, just peacefully passing away.
The way that I see it, if you struggle to ctb even with the peaceful method that so many of us so desperately wish for, it really is just a case of waiting for when the time is right, like I'm not sure that you can force yourself to feel a certain way, but just the fact that continuing to exist could potentially lead to the most extreme torture and suffering is enough to make me want to die. I see nothing more perfect than a peaceful death.