Hatred and rage when I shouldn’t care

[Pryras]

my ex partner was extremely abusive and threw furniture at me and would scream in my face. Despite this, he is SO incredibly nice to everyone and I just recently realized he spread a narrative of me being a cheater and outright terrible person to everyone we know.

I shouldn't care but I am enraged. I never shared my abuse and it's too late (about a year later) to air out the dirty laundry. Anytime I do share abuse it doesn't matter since they're his friends and not mine.

how do I let this go and move past the rage that I'm feeling right now? That I'll forever be unheard and my experience with this person will never be exposed? Ultimately since nobody cares but me, there's nothing I can do but watch someone who abused me do amazing in life and be surrounded by friends.

 

[DeathSleep]

I'd be angry too. Personally, I'd distance myself from him and his friends as much as I could. Don't text him or search for his social media. Just be done with him because you don't need someone who treated you poorly in your life.

I currently have a roommate lying to people about me right now. It doesn't feel good and I am very angry about it although I try not to be. A friend told me not to let it bother me because I know the truth. Well that's easier said than done, isn't it. I am, however, trying to move so that I can get away from this guy. I know that once I get some distance and time between us I'll be less upset about it. I could go on for a while about this because it really bothers me. I try to let it go but then something else happens. I can't wait to get out of here. (If I even make it. I may die here although I'd rather not do it here. I worry that people will think that I did it because of him though and that's not the case.) At least I have my therapist though. I tell her all this shit so at least someone knows. Anyways, I feel your frustration and I'm sorry.

 

[2minutes2ctb]

my ex partner was extremely abusive and threw furniture at me and would scream in my face. Despite this, he is SO incredibly nice to everyone and I just recently realized he spread a narrative of me being a cheater and outright terrible person to everyone we know.

Sounds like NPD (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder) the way you describe it. Read a lot on the matter lately, and there are different categories, some more difficult to detect.

how do I let this go and move past the rage that I'm feeling right now? That I'll forever be unheard and my experience with this person will never be exposed? Ultimately since nobody cares but me, there's nothing I can do but watch someone who abused me do amazing in life and be surrounded by friends.

No contact is usually the way to go. And then many people recommend therapy with a professional for that very specific case of being abused, manipulated, etc.

Sorry that you had to go through this, it can be extremely hard to walk away from this kind of people

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds like NPD (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder) the way you describe it. Read a lot on the matter lately, and there are different categories, some more difficult to detect.

No contact is usually the way to go. And then many people recommend therapy with a professional for that very specific case of being abused, manipulated, etc.

Sorry that you had to go through this, it can be extremely hard to walk away from this kind of people

I was going to mention narcissism too. I know it's a term that gets banded about a lot but a few typical traits seem evident with him. Both the kind facade he puts on in front of others and the way he is spreading lies about you- effectively pretending to be the victim himself in all this.

I believe I grew up with a narcissist. They are the reason I became suicidal to begin with. It was really only decades later I was thinking how odd their behaviour was and I happened to look up the term and- all their behaviours were there. Obviously, it could never be official but, it gave me such a sense of validation.

As others have said, I also believe that going no contact is the safest thing to do. I'd highly recommend these YouTube channels: 'Live Abuse Free', 'Doctor Ramani' to see if anything seems familiar. I'm sorry you've had this experience.

 

[Pryras]

I was going to mention narcissism too. I know it's a term that gets banded about a lot but a few typical traits seem evident with him. Both the kind facade he puts on in front of others and the way he is spreading lies about you- effectively pretending to be the victim himself in all this.

I believe I grew up with a narcissist. They are the reason I became suicidal to begin with. It was really only decades later I was thinking how odd their behaviour was and I happened to look up the term and- all their behaviours were there. Obviously, it could never be official but, it gave me such a sense of validation.

As others have said, I also believe that going no contact is the safest thing to do. I'd highly recommend these YouTube channels: 'Live Abuse Free', 'Doctor Ramani' to see if anything seems familiar. I'm sorry you've had this experience.

He's totally moved on and gone no contact with me but I've reached out several times through email sharing my feelings and how much he hurt me (I know it's stupid and I regret it..) but do you think that makes me the narcissist in this situation? Since I kept trying to get in touch with this person to share my narrative? I feel stupid for doing it but I hate him thinking I lost him or that he wasn't abusive

 

[Forever Sleep]

He's totally moved on and gone no contact with me but I've reached out several times through email sharing my feelings and how much he hurt me (I know it's stupid and I regret it..) but do you think that makes me the narcissist in this situation? Since I kept trying to get in touch with this person to share my narrative? I feel stupid for doing it but I hate him thinking I lost him or that he wasn't abusive

No, I don't believe this makes you the narcissist. More that you want him to acknowledge how much he hurt you. (Which he may never do if he sees himself as the victim. I think narcissists tend to have their own version of events playing in their head.)

I completely understand your wanting some kind of recognition but if I were you, I'd be cautious. Especially about trying to shame him publicly- if you're considering that. If he is a narcissist, they can become extremely volatile when their mask starts to slip.

All I can recommend is watching the YouTube channels I recommended. That at least gave me a sense of validation. I suppose sometimes, I wish my parents would recognise what they put me through but, it's unlikely to happen. As for the person themselves, truthfully, I think it's best to try to steer clear if I'm honest.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Unfortunately, as someone who also had an abusive narcissistic partner, there's nothing you can do except cut contact with his friends and family. It'll just be painful reminders of him.

Wishing vengeance or karma will probably take up more of your time into thinking about him as well, prolonging the healing process... as painful as it sounds, but majority of the bad people you encounter in your life will probably never get their fair share of justice, like Donald Trump for example, he abused his past ex-partners and cheated on them during their marriages and never faced the consequences of it, people literally voted for that guy and still support the shitty things he spews out.

I genuinely wanted justice against my ex too, but it would take up so much energy trying to expose him, and I probably wouldn't gain anything from it since he'll still live a relatively normal life and his friends/family wouldn't believe me anyway. The best revenge is to erase them from your life and act as if they never existed, or wait a bit until you can find someone better who can fill in the void the abuser left behind.

And I agree with other people in this post providing research around NPD so you can spot the red flags sooner to prevent more heartache. Getting educated around certain conditions will help you be more cautious and protective of your heart in the future, not saying that every person with this condition is bad of course, but that it's only bad if they refuse help and don't acknowledge what their doing is wrong.