I think I lived to find a way to be accepted , even though I didn't accept anything really at all about the human condition ... the whole kaboodle.
I shifted to somewhere else some years ago and it was quite bad to start with ...
I concluded that I had dragged my shitty baggage with me and unrolled it all in front of everyone .. ( my attitudes , beliefs ... doubts ,self loathing ) and that was what caused a lot of my initial negative experiences in my new location . Might be gaslighting myself a bit ... but I have factored in other peoples craziness (normality lol).
On reflection , I was tightly orbiting people who made me feel inadequate.
I chose to do this , like some family conditioning thing .
It's weird to realize how we can easily continue an habitual dynamic of perpetual self disempowerment.
On the whole ... years later , just not being around "those people" is a pressure relief .
I am very wary of "friendships" now.
Loneliness with pleasant superficial polite interactions occasionally (simple transactional dynamics with no emotional intensity) is fine at the moment.
All in all ... moving was good .
It wasn't their fault ... they didn't know how insane I was ... but maybe even that was part of the problem . No-one ever "got" just how bloody awful I felt . all the time .