I lost my boyfriend to suicide 3 weeks ago. It is categorically the worst thing that has happened to me (and I've got my fair share of trauma, boohoo blah blah blah I know). I've spoken about it in detail on here, you can see through my other posts just how much it has destroyed me. I'll never recover. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't even brush my teeth in the morning. I spend most of my days thinking about everything I did wrong, what I could've done to help him, our final conversation (which was an argument - I still hear his crying ringing in my ears). Today our flat was emptied of my belongings. Tomorrow I will need to go through everything, and I already know that some of his stuff will be in the bags. Just seeing the boxes made me break down in tears. I feel he acted on impulse, a thought which makes me feel physically sick. Why didn't he just go for a walk? Go get a coffee? Talk to his parents? Talk to me? Just anything else and I feel he would've calmed down. His "note" consisted of a few lines sent over WhatsApp to me, indicating that the breakdown in our relationship is what pushed him to this choice. I don't think his intention was to blame or spite me, but it's hard not to think that. No matter what angle I see it from, my actions are what caused this. If I knew this would happen I would have done anything to make things work.
It has catapulted me into pursuing CTB. I'd always struggled with suicidal ideation, but this has really pushed me off the deep end. It is pain like I cannot describe. My family/friends are much stronger than me both mentally and emotionally, but I am intimately aware of the emotions they will go through and the questions they will ask. Nonetheless, I simply cannot cope with the guilt and regret. If I do change my mind and decide against CTB, I am very much aware that this will haunt me forever. I am not living anymore, I am just existing until I am finally able to die. I pray to the universe every night to infect me with some terminal illness.
People talk about ways of recovering after losing someone to suicide, but, in my own experience, it is impossible.
I do not say this to tell people what they should do. I know a lot of people on here like to throw out lines like "no one will care about me because I'm a stupid ugly loser", but someone will be impacted. This is the reality of our choices, edgy lines about how cool suicide is cannot change that.
