Has anyone else finding that logic is saving you at the moment?

[Jeebo5021]

I've been suicidal for the past about 5 weeks now. At the moment, logic is saving me from attempting suicide as failure will make things a lot worse. Logic also dictates that the pain will eventually stop. It may well stop one day and I can feel normal again. Otherwise, it's not possible to live forever, so the pain will stop when I die naturally. Every day that passes is another day closer to my death. It would be nice if I could enjoy it again, play video games, go to the gym, but god this depression spiral seems to be going on and on. I'm talking to a counsellor almost every day now. Every time I manage to fool myself into thinking I can get by, the thoughts of worthlessness just come back again. It's made me think that maybe it must be true. That's logic talking again. If so many people start to treat like you don't matter, then it must tell you something.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, it's logic that makes me want to be dead. Logically, there's no reason to prolong my existence for another day or even for another second. Logically, an earlier death is better than a later death since the earlier I'm dead, the less I would have suffered in existence overall. That's just basic logic. What keeps me alive is extremely strict parents that won't let me do anything as well as the illogical bullshit such as SI

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Logic is that what tells me that ctb is the best way. Everything else is just delusion.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Logically, logic makes no sense to me because I'm an inherently illogical, irrational, immoral being.

 

[Marco77]

There is also logical suicide. My logic says that existence is completely pointless and every day I spend on this earth I increase the risk. I can have a stroke, a car accident, someone can pass me by with acid, I can finish a vegetable due to a simple medical error. Or become paralyzed because a vase of flowers falls on my head (as happened to someone I know). This is just a small list, but I could go on and on. Logic tells me to put an end to everything as soon as possible by choosing a method with risks close to zero. Maybe shooting me on the ledge of a 300 meter building after swallowing a cyanide tablet.

 

[candy578]

I am very much alive through logic right now as I currently live somewhere where there's a good chance of being caught ordering SN (as my mail doesn't get delivered directly to me), so I would much rather hold off until I go home where I will have more chance of success than be caught and make my life worse as a result of this.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

on the other hand, natural death can be painful through a long duration XD

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

No, it's logic that makes me want to be dead. Logically, there's no reason to prolong my existence for another day or even for another second. Logically, an earlier death is better than a later death since the earlier I'm dead, the less I would have suffered in existence overall. That's just basic logic.

Yep. In my case, it's actually emotion that's keeping me alive. If I were a strictly logical person with no biological SI then I'd have been long gone.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Not really.

 

[Worndown]

Logic works both ways. It can get you in or out of situations.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I run purely on stupidity and reward-based decision-making. I have no time for logic, nor do I have the brain power necessary to comprehend it. I'm luck that most of my suicide attempts didn't land me in the hospital...

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's more emotion keeping me here rather than logic. Feelings of obligation and guilt- not to put my Dad through it and, not to let the company I work for down.

Logic tells me that I'm just going to struggle now until I bring an end to it. I know this from 43 years experience living my life with my own expectations of it. The feeling that my best case scenario likely wouldn't 'save' me and hence, the resulting lack of motivation to now even work towards my best case scenario.

But- I hope for your sake that you are right. I hope yours is a passing depression that you will come out the other side of.

 

[lalaloopsy]

i can kinda relate, in that while i've always suffered with some level of mental illness, and sadness, my current situation is making it a lot worse. i don't find joy in anything, just pain, and all i want is not to exist, to not wake up.

but i also know i didn't always feel like this, and my situation will change again in less than a year. whether that'll change my feelings, and determination to ctb, i don't know. but im trying to hang on till then. don't know if ill make it, especially rn, but ill try.

 

[Jeebo5021]

Thanks Forever. I hope I can come out of this. Though this one is lasting longer than usual. I think it's because this time I've got no family with my Father dying last year. Plus this time the trigger is my workplace, which is hard to escape from. The situation has made me feel worthless than ever before.

 

[Worndown]

Is your work just challenging or a caustic environment?
Either way, if you can get through the day, that fact alone demonstrates your worth.

 

[Jeebo5021]

I love the work. Just the supervisors have made it so there is no point. My support was slowly eroding throughout the year. I was losing respect gradually, people stopped listening. The worst was two occasions when the bosses didn't give me any credit, but made out like I didn't deserve credit. The first time they took the credit for it themselves and didn't give me any since I e-mailed another organization for details of the problem. Second time, I brought up a software issue with solutions at a staff discussion with the Directors. They took the solutions on board, but then I got chastised for it not being my place. I think the most devastating thing was when my direct supervisor was needlessly cruel saying "i know you might not want to hear this, but the way you go about things , you piss people off, I've stopped reading half your e-mails" and calling me obsessed for solving problems. I then talked to the Wellbeing Officer and he was just plain sadistic saying things like "how far were you going to go to solve these problems?" "are you resistant to change?" "were you just going to keep going before you got the solutions you wanted?" "you've got to stop banging your head against the wall". When I told the Wellbeing Officer I was leaving the job, he just gave a cynical smile.
It's a job I loved for 14 years and it all just makes me feel like everything is crumbling down worse than anything ever has before. It feels like I'm all alone in this world and that more and more I don't belong.

 

[Jeebo5021]

Actually I'm not sure anymore. You see, I'm flipflopping between wanting to die and wanting to live. My Doctors and Psychologist's both say that I'll feel better once I'm in a new place of work, but my suicidal ideations have been around for 7 weeks now. I feel stupid for even feeling this bad. damnit I so want to feel normal again, but every day that passes it seems like less possibility.

 

[Worndown]

Your supervisor problem is not uncommon. Management is not something everyone can do well.
Changing jobs is how almost all of these situations gets resolved.
Is this something you can handle?

 

[Jeebo5021]

I'm not sure if I can handle things this time. It's been 14 years in the same job and leaving feels so unnatural , but the longer I stay at the job, the worse I feel.

 

[Worndown]

I understand. I left a company after 13 years because management was crushing the workers. Look for something new.
If you accept a new job, then let your current job know. You need to protect yourself.