It's basically a passive aggressive type of bullying where they'll indirectly insult you while pretending they're talking about someone/something else. It's always done in your vicinity so you can hear them. They do it so you can't confront them without looking crazy. I can't find any defintion of this term. It's fucked up and there's no talk of it. It's becomming a lot more common it seems. They use word salad to talk shit about you. It's usually from women, but men do partake especially if there's another female around. I've spent the past 3 years cooped up too anxious to leave my house. I've been trying the past few weeks but every time I go out, whether it's to the pharmacy or to the salon it happens. It makes me feel like I'm having a bad trip. That's what it reminds me of. I think it's because I look so anxious. Look out of place and that. It's like I have a sticker on my head that says BULLY. I need to try be confident but I'm so bad with eye contact and conversation. I hate having to go into the same pharmacy and see the same people. Feeling awkward and quiet. While others are having conversation about the breakfast they ate. I'm never gonna live a peaceful life. It's just going to keep happening. People just wanna treat me like shit. I feel so ashamed. Going through all my insecurties wondering which ones caused it. I don't wanna go back out in public and I don't want to be stuck in my house anymore. I wanna die... I hate this world. I hate that they judge me. They have no idea what I'm going through. Deep down I feel like I should be bullied. I hate myself too.
actual_fox
Arcanist
- Sep 15, 2022
- 469
Are you sure It is about you? Might be about some random shit.
Yes. It's a real thing that's happening just be glad you haven't experienced it. I've experienced this many times. People talk about other people right in front of them. However, one can never be sure of whom they're talking about, because those people never say your name, or who they're talkin about. They'll say bits of information that relate to you.
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It my not be about you in all the cases you think it is, it's not that common for people to talk about strangers like that, unless possibly there is something unusual about your appearance. Working on eye contact and practicing basic conversations with nice people could help you to be more confident around other people. People do sometimes act this way in grade school and high school, it can be common there, but this tends to go away after that, so maybe you are interpreting things based on past experiences that are not happening that way to the extent that you think.
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almaranthine
Wizard
- Nov 28, 2019
- 615
This feeling of constant judgement and that strangers are talking about you/obsessing over you is a type of paranoia that's a symptom of certain mental illnesses. I can't recall the word for it exactly, but I have definitely felt this while experiencing manic/psychotic episodes in the past. On the other hand though you could just be so extremely anxious when you go out and afraid that people are judging you that in your mind you exaggerate people's responses. I can relate to this as well. As a young adolescent I was like this any time I went shopping with my mom or grandma. I felt like people were constantly making fun of me, judging my looks and/or outfit, passing by and commenting about how lame I was. In reality, it was 97% all in my head.
Nowadays, I try to not take things personally when I'm in some kind of retail setting, because I've worked these types of jobs before and know how it feels to be burnt out, berated by stupid customers for no reason, and to just not really give a fuck anymore. I also try to make sure I am in decent attire—dressed in clean clothes, teeth brushed, foundation makeup on, hair pulled back etc. I aim to look as basic and inconspicuous as possible while being extremely polite to any worker I come in to contact with. I otherwise try to avoid any type of human interaction and purposefully don't pay attention to other customers around me. I'm also super quick with my shopping to limit the amount of time I have to be in a store. I do all of these things to avoid any type of negative human interaction that will make me feel worse about myself.
Nowadays, I try to not take things personally when I'm in some kind of retail setting, because I've worked these types of jobs before and know how it feels to be burnt out, berated by stupid customers for no reason, and to just not really give a fuck anymore. I also try to make sure I am in decent attire—dressed in clean clothes, teeth brushed, foundation makeup on, hair pulled back etc. I aim to look as basic and inconspicuous as possible while being extremely polite to any worker I come in to contact with. I otherwise try to avoid any type of human interaction and purposefully don't pay attention to other customers around me. I'm also super quick with my shopping to limit the amount of time I have to be in a store. I do all of these things to avoid any type of negative human interaction that will make me feel worse about myself.
achromatic
hedgehog dilemma
- Oct 18, 2022
- 142
It's called delusion of reference
almaranthine
Wizard
- Nov 28, 2019
- 615
You guys are fucked up for calling me delusional for a real experience I had. It's what's gonna cause me to kill myself. I can't bare it, it makes me feel crazy and horrible about myself. It's REAL and everyones response is always they're not talking about you. You're paranoid. No one cares about you that much. NO SHIT they do it because of lack of care. It's borderline gaslighting in itself. If you google something similar, you will find similar stories.
here -
www.socialanxietysupport.com
www.quora.com
www.quora.com
www.quora.com
www.quora.com
www.quora.com
and someones response to the question-
"It's a new thing that's been happening the last decade or so where ppl use word salad to speak to each other or about each other. Some ppl use it to retain privacy bc of hackers etc.
Other ppl do it to aggravate someone they've targeted or are obsessed with. So, say you had a private disagreement with someone at work. If the person you argued with felt like u bested them or won the debate..they may recruit 3 to 4 other colleagues to nitpick at that employee. So in the breakroom theyll pretend they're talking about themselves, the news or some unrelated topic. During this conversation theyll repeat parts of your private conversation/argument verbatim.
This is supposed to shock you and cause you to be paranoid bc --after all--how did they know you argued with someone if they werent there? But, as I've learned, I dont freak out. We're in the digital age and your average Joe knows how to hack a smart phone, laptop or tablet. That stuff used to bother me but when u live a life true to yourself then what can they really do?"
"We in the pop psychology business refer to the people who do this as "BU's"
Which stands for "broken units."
It all refers to identifying with a clique whose members are so dreadfully insecure that they reinforce each other by jointly making someone an outsider. Doesn't matter whether they speak good or ill. The point is, you aren't one of them. And that makes them feel so warm and good, inside.
And yeah, it IS a common thing.
The moment you observe it happening, get away; hopefully, unnoticed. You have just observed an enormously useful bit of information. You've observed the people with whom you should be cautious about forming any kind of trust relationship."
here -
People talking "cleverly" about you, indirectly
Anyone ever experience this? People talking about you, cleverly, by talking to their friends ABOUT YOU except in a context like its between themselves, when clearly they are referring to you. Even though you don't know them, they are openly talking about you because the other friends...
How do I handle people who talk about you in front of you and in each other’s ears?
Answer (1 of 9): People like that are absolute cowards, if someone won't say it to you, they don't deserve to be in the same room as you. Different people will react differently. In a case like this, you have to do; what I just can't. You have to act rationally & responsibly. Speak to the person...
Why do people talk bad about me in front of me instead of behind?
Answer (1 of 3): It depends if they are your friends or not. If they are friends, then they may be trying to help you because they are not saying these things behind your back. They want you to listen and improve yourself. Listen to what they say and decide whether they are being helpful or not. ...
People talk about me in front of me when they feel I don't hear or understand them. Do they think I'm autistic?
Answer (1 of 7): No, they don’t think you are autistic. They are just harassing you, which is a form of abuse. They talk about you within earshot precisely because they know you can hear them. Don’t let them see that it bothers you, or they will take it up a notch. Don’t even acknowledge their pr...
Do people often indirectly talk about a person even when the person is there listening? How does this work and how can someone be sure wh...
Answer (1 of 17): It's a new thing that's been happening the last decade or so where ppl use word salad to speak to each other or about each other. Some ppl use it to retain privacy bc of hackers etc. Other ppl do it to aggravate someone they've targeted or are obsessed with. So, say you had a p...
Why do people talk badly about someone when they’re near them within earshot?
Answer (1 of 5): Because they are confrontational, and this is the nearest thing to actual confrontation. They are often operating on more than just that one level in order to create a victim.
and someones response to the question-
"It's a new thing that's been happening the last decade or so where ppl use word salad to speak to each other or about each other. Some ppl use it to retain privacy bc of hackers etc.
Other ppl do it to aggravate someone they've targeted or are obsessed with. So, say you had a private disagreement with someone at work. If the person you argued with felt like u bested them or won the debate..they may recruit 3 to 4 other colleagues to nitpick at that employee. So in the breakroom theyll pretend they're talking about themselves, the news or some unrelated topic. During this conversation theyll repeat parts of your private conversation/argument verbatim.
This is supposed to shock you and cause you to be paranoid bc --after all--how did they know you argued with someone if they werent there? But, as I've learned, I dont freak out. We're in the digital age and your average Joe knows how to hack a smart phone, laptop or tablet. That stuff used to bother me but when u live a life true to yourself then what can they really do?"
"We in the pop psychology business refer to the people who do this as "BU's"
Which stands for "broken units."
It all refers to identifying with a clique whose members are so dreadfully insecure that they reinforce each other by jointly making someone an outsider. Doesn't matter whether they speak good or ill. The point is, you aren't one of them. And that makes them feel so warm and good, inside.
And yeah, it IS a common thing.
The moment you observe it happening, get away; hopefully, unnoticed. You have just observed an enormously useful bit of information. You've observed the people with whom you should be cautious about forming any kind of trust relationship."
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almaranthine
Wizard
- Nov 28, 2019
- 615
wasn't trying to invalidate any experience you've had, was just saying that constantly feeling this way and believing you are being targeted everywhere you go is a symptom that you may want to be aware of... when I was manic/psychotic I believe I straight up heard people saying things that they weren't even saying, like some kind of auditory hallucination idk. the brain is a strange thing. also just wanted to point out that having severe anxiety and being super insecure can cause you to overly exaggerate people's reactions. that's all I was saying. if you have these kinds of experiences quite literally every where you go there is definitely a chance that it's in your head somehow. I don't think I'm "fucked up" for suggesting that.You guys are fucked up for calling me delusional for a real experience I had. It's what's gonna cause me to kill myself. I can't bare it, it makes me feel crazy and horrible about myself. It's REAL and everyones response is always they're not talking about you. You're paranoid. No one cares about you that much. NO SHIT they do it because of lack of care. It's borderline gaslighting in itself. If you google something similar, you will find similar stories.
here -
People talking "cleverly" about you, indirectly
Anyone ever experience this? People talking about you, cleverly, by talking to their friends ABOUT YOU except in a context like its between themselves, when clearly they are referring to you. Even though you don't know them, they are openly talking about you because the other friends...How do I handle people who talk about you in front of you and in each other’s ears?
Answer (1 of 9): People like that are absolute cowards, if someone won't say it to you, they don't deserve to be in the same room as you. Different people will react differently. In a case like this, you have to do; what I just can't. You have to act rationally & responsibly. Speak to the person...Why do people talk bad about me in front of me instead of behind?
Answer (1 of 3): It depends if they are your friends or not. If they are friends, then they may be trying to help you because they are not saying these things behind your back. They want you to listen and improve yourself. Listen to what they say and decide whether they are being helpful or not. ...People talk about me in front of me when they feel I don't hear or understand them. Do they think I'm autistic?
Answer (1 of 7): No, they don’t think you are autistic. They are just harassing you, which is a form of abuse. They talk about you within earshot precisely because they know you can hear them. Don’t let them see that it bothers you, or they will take it up a notch. Don’t even acknowledge their pr...Do people often indirectly talk about a person even when the person is there listening? How does this work and how can someone be sure wh...
Answer (1 of 17): It's a new thing that's been happening the last decade or so where ppl use word salad to speak to each other or about each other. Some ppl use it to retain privacy bc of hackers etc. Other ppl do it to aggravate someone they've targeted or are obsessed with. So, say you had a p...Why do people talk badly about someone when they’re near them within earshot?
Answer (1 of 5): Because they are confrontational, and this is the nearest thing to actual confrontation. They are often operating on more than just that one level in order to create a victim.
and someones response to the question
"
It's a new thing that's been happening the last decade or so where ppl use word salad to speak to each other or about each other. Some ppl use it to retain privacy bc of hackers etc.
Other ppl do it to aggravate someone they've targeted or are obsessed with. So, say you had a private disagreement with someone at work. If the person you argued with felt like u bested them or won the debate..they may recruit 3 to 4 other colleagues to nitpick at that employee. So in the breakroom theyll pretend they're talking about themselves, the news or some unrelated topic. During this conversation theyll repeat parts of your private conversation/argument verbatim.
This is supposed to shock you and cause you to be paranoid bc --after all--how did they know you argued with someone if they werent there? But, as I've learned, I dont freak out. We're in the digital age and your average Joe knows how to hack a smart phone, laptop or tablet. That stuff used to bother me but when u live a life true to yourself then what can they really do?"
maybe people are just assholes to you everywhere I have no idea. I'm sorry you feel this way and are struggling.
was going to ask a similar question to what @Someone123 just did but didn't want to further upset you. something being off or not conventional about your appearance is the only thing that makes sense to me as to why you would be treated this way by strangers.
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If strangers are talking about you, which is usually not that common, the reason would usually be based on something about your appearance that was unusual. In the neighborhoods I have been in in the u.s., this type of talking about6 a stranger is so rare unless they did something really unusual, though I know thae some neigborhoods and some countries could easily be different. if you're doing something like not showering when you go out, that could cause something like ths, but if you are clean and dressed pretty similarly to how other people are dressing and you're not acting differently then it could be that they aren't talking about you in some cases that you suspect this. But you've beeen afraid to leave the house, which can lead to not functioning well in other areas- when I'm depressed I have troubgle keeping up on basics like shoering often enough or doing luandry often enough- are you keeping up on these things?
Papilio_polyxenes
Member
- Oct 4, 2022
- 52
Doesn't mean you're crazy. It's just that your frame of reference here seems off - this sounds like severe anxiety or possibly a manic/psychotic episode.
Trust me, I understand what you describe. I've been going through a similar situation in my workplace since late August. People who normally talk to me are going out of their way to avoid me, and there's constant gossip whenever I'm present. At first, I thought I was losing my fucking mind - none of it made any sense.
The difference here is that my coworkers aren't complete strangers to me like random folks at the pharmacy or the salon. I've also overheard specific details from crosstalk amongst my supervisors to confirm I'm the subject of recent controversy.
My frame of reference probably isn't accurate either. Others behave like assholes to me, but I do not fully understand what makes me look like such an asshole to others. Thankfully, there are medications that may help you - no meds can "fix" what is likely autism in my case.
I think you owe it to yourself to do as much research as you can about your mental health before committing to anything.
Trust me, I understand what you describe. I've been going through a similar situation in my workplace since late August. People who normally talk to me are going out of their way to avoid me, and there's constant gossip whenever I'm present. At first, I thought I was losing my fucking mind - none of it made any sense.
The difference here is that my coworkers aren't complete strangers to me like random folks at the pharmacy or the salon. I've also overheard specific details from crosstalk amongst my supervisors to confirm I'm the subject of recent controversy.
My frame of reference probably isn't accurate either. Others behave like assholes to me, but I do not fully understand what makes me look like such an asshole to others. Thankfully, there are medications that may help you - no meds can "fix" what is likely autism in my case.
I think you owe it to yourself to do as much research as you can about your mental health before committing to anything.
Yes it happened to me and I guess they weren't satisfied with the indirect approach so they began a more direct one. It also had a ripple effect in my professional/social sphere and I began to get it from all sides. It got bad enough that I swallowed my pride and told the worst perpetrator to knock it off in a firm but reasonable manner. I suspect that he shared this with friends who took my side in it because I never heard it from him again. But the damage was done and the fallout was irreparable.
I thought about murder and suicide during that time but nothing like what I've been forced into by my degenerative illness. If I could trade away my health problems to relive that awfulness I would, but not without this perspective. It was a pretty shitty few years, the last one being the worst of it and if it didn't stop then something very bad was going to happen.
I thought about murder and suicide during that time but nothing like what I've been forced into by my degenerative illness. If I could trade away my health problems to relive that awfulness I would, but not without this perspective. It was a pretty shitty few years, the last one being the worst of it and if it didn't stop then something very bad was going to happen.
When I went to school and high school I saw it done to other people several times. I have only had it done to me by the neighbors above me a few times over the years (and not by the same people, since it is a shared apartment).
Over time you move on from everyone who behaves like this, whether it's to you or others, as these types of people are basically immature people who don't dare talk to your face and hide behind the group (and often the group involved doesn't even know that the conversation is part of a single person's game).
Unless it is (as mentioned above) a disorder, the way to get out of this situation is to keep strengthening your personality over time, getting better at what you already excel at, giving value and quality to everything you do until the other person looks ridiculous when talking about you (people who do this are really comparing themselves to you, don't give them a chance, make the comparison absurd to bring up).
//
Quan jo anava a l'escola i a l'Institut ho vaig veure diverses vegades com els hi feien a d'altres persones. A mi només m'ho han fet els veïns de sobre unes poques vegades al llarg dels anys (i no les mateixes persones, ja que es un pis compartit).
Amb el pas del temps te'n fots de tothom que es comporta així, sigui amb tu o amb d'altres, ja que aquest tipus de gent són bàsicament uns immadurs que no s'atreveixen a parlar-te a la cara i s'amaguen darrera el grup (i sovint el grup que hi participa ni tan sols sap que la conversa forma part del joc d'una sola persona).
A menys que sigui (com han comentat més amunt) un trastorn, la manera de sortir-se'n d'aquesta situació és seguir enfortint la teva personalitat amb el temps, sent millor en allò que ja despuntes, donar-li valor i qualitat a tot el que fas fins que l'altre quedi en el mes pur ridícul quan parli de tu (la gent que fa això realment es compara amb tu, no li donis oportunitat, fes que la comparació resulti absurda de plantejar).
Over time you move on from everyone who behaves like this, whether it's to you or others, as these types of people are basically immature people who don't dare talk to your face and hide behind the group (and often the group involved doesn't even know that the conversation is part of a single person's game).
Unless it is (as mentioned above) a disorder, the way to get out of this situation is to keep strengthening your personality over time, getting better at what you already excel at, giving value and quality to everything you do until the other person looks ridiculous when talking about you (people who do this are really comparing themselves to you, don't give them a chance, make the comparison absurd to bring up).
//
Quan jo anava a l'escola i a l'Institut ho vaig veure diverses vegades com els hi feien a d'altres persones. A mi només m'ho han fet els veïns de sobre unes poques vegades al llarg dels anys (i no les mateixes persones, ja que es un pis compartit).
Amb el pas del temps te'n fots de tothom que es comporta així, sigui amb tu o amb d'altres, ja que aquest tipus de gent són bàsicament uns immadurs que no s'atreveixen a parlar-te a la cara i s'amaguen darrera el grup (i sovint el grup que hi participa ni tan sols sap que la conversa forma part del joc d'una sola persona).
A menys que sigui (com han comentat més amunt) un trastorn, la manera de sortir-se'n d'aquesta situació és seguir enfortint la teva personalitat amb el temps, sent millor en allò que ja despuntes, donar-li valor i qualitat a tot el que fas fins que l'altre quedi en el mes pur ridícul quan parli de tu (la gent que fa això realment es compara amb tu, no li donis oportunitat, fes que la comparació resulti absurda de plantejar).
I relate to your experience. I have a very awkward, tired, uncomfortable presence, with a funny walk, and sometimes people have noticed, and made comments where I can hear them or directly to me, or I've seen people notice my awkwardness. I avoid the public. This has happened to me through out my life, on occasion, but not constantly. So I know it's very possible for you to be experiencing this. The thing is, when you describe your experience to others, they are going to think that you are paranoid, and may have mental illness, because it is a real possibility, and social anxiety can cause this also, plus it's rare for a person to actually have this experience, but I know that even though I have social anxiety, I have experienced people reacting to my presence. A few years ago, I went to the local pharmacy, and the cashier said to me really concerned, "You look really tired!" I was so upset that she would say that to me, especially because of my anxiety, but because I frequented there, and she could tell I had a gentle spirit, she had the balls to say that to me. There are some people that actually may think I'm lying, but yeah, not everything is paranoia.
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Buried_Kid
Fading to black.
- May 30, 2021
- 25
I've seen this a lot of times in the elementary and high school. It may happen at work as well. But generally strangers won't bully you without reason.
Anyway, I've suffered a lot of that kind of bully when I was a kid. And I understand what you mean when you say that you can't say anything because they just say they weren't talking about you, making fun of you because "you're crazy" or shitty things like that.
If that happens in public and with strangers, be aware, that can be a symptom of a major mental illness.
Look for other types of solutions before taking the big decision. Take care. <3
Anyway, I've suffered a lot of that kind of bully when I was a kid. And I understand what you mean when you say that you can't say anything because they just say they weren't talking about you, making fun of you because "you're crazy" or shitty things like that.
If that happens in public and with strangers, be aware, that can be a symptom of a major mental illness.
Look for other types of solutions before taking the big decision. Take care. <3
