Happiest I have ever been..

[BagofBones]

I am engaged. I love my man. He ridiculously understanding. He sees my faults as attrinutes... I have a job..I detest it and I work for my, unintentionally, emotionally abusive family. I'm not complaining. I have more than I have ever deserved...but why? Why am I suicidal again? I'm on meds...i can't do this....


Help?

 

[BagofBones]

Forgive my spelling. Intoxicated.

 

[Redt2go]

If you're happy it's likely a side effect of your meds talk to your doc?

 

[odette]

It doesn't sound like you have more than you deserve. It sounds like you have some great things and some bad things in your life. But you aren't dealing with the bad things, just gritting your teeth and silently accepting them, because you believe you have "more than you deserve".

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @BagofBones the words "unintentionally emotionally abusive family" got me.
Yes, you have a job but is the price of that job too high if it means working with them?

Maybe they are the reason that you feel like this? And it's such a shame because as you say you are engaged to a wonderful guy and you are a beautiful girl (remember you from the picture thread! :-)

Is there a different job you can find? Have your family always been emotionally abusive? My psychiatrist says it's hard to heal from childhood ptsd if you keep the same connections to family - you either have to cut them off or redefine the roles entirely so they no longer can hurt you

Xxxx

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I think people inderestimate how much forcing yourself to work in an unhealthy environment can really break you down. I agree also that it sounds like there are underlying problems that you aren't dealing with because of the statement "I have more than I have ever deserved."
Maybe you're allowing those to happen bevause you feel you deserve worse, so it's acceptable to continue gruelly through these things.
Maybe the meds aren't right for you, and you need to discuss perhaps a change in your prescription? The unfortunate part is it's trial and error until you get it right. If they're not the right one for you, it can make your mental health so much worse.
I hope you find the cause to it and are able to get past it.

 

[DivorceIsMyWhy]

Imagine for a moment...

You didn't have:

1. Love
2. Companionship

...from your fiancé. You are isolated and alone. That would be a far worse hell, right?

Love, if it's a healthy dynamic, is a gift to be cherished and nurtured. It can be very difficult to replace. And when it's gone, then you know it was real.

Life is too short to work with people you don't like, at a company you don't like. I subscribe to a simple "No Assholes" policy. And sometimes family in a family business only know how to express love by being assholes.

You can always turn the table and "fire your company" and remove yourself from an abusive family power struggle. Boundaries between work and family could be quite...freeing.

So sorry about the abuse you endured, that's not cool. I can't say that I understand what happened to you - and I won't assert that I do. But you have what sounds like a great relationship as a foundation for a better future. And for that, you are lucky -

 

[DivorceIsMyWhy]

Imagine for a moment...

You didn't have:

1. Love
2. Companionship

...from your fiancé. You are isolated and alone. That would be a far worse hell, right?

Love, if it's a healthy dynamic, is a gift to be cherished and nurtured. It can be very difficult to replace. And when it's gone, then you know it was real.

Life is too short to work with people you don't like, at a company you don't like. I subscribe to a simple "No Assholes" policy. And sometimes family in a family business only know how to express love by being assholes.

You can always turn the table and "fire your company" and remove yourself from an abusive family power struggle. Boundaries between work and family could be quite...freeing.

So sorry about the abuse you endured, that's not cool. I can't say that I understand what happened to you - and I won't assert that I do. But you have what sounds like a great relationship as a foundation for a better future. And for that, you are lucky -

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I don't know your entire story. I bet it's a long one.
Still, you gave off a bunch of points that tell me the following: your life, before you met the guy and got engaged, was shit. An actual cesspool.
And you got used to it.

Why am I suicidal again? I'm on meds...

It's the "again" that gave it to me.
So after five, ten, fifteen years of calling a hellhole home, suddenly, HAPPINESS!
This new and terrifying concept!
And you're yanked into it whether you like it or not!
Suddenly, there's this guy who legitimately likes you to the point of engagement, he sees your flaws as attributes, holy SHIT is this all a new thing!
Also, meds. You may want to talk to your doctor about switching meds. There are no perfect meds, there's just good-ish, bad, and shit.

"I'm like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one, you know, I just do…things" - Heath Ledger as The Joker

As cliche as it is to incorporate movie quotes in such things, I think it summarizes the situation well. If I suddenly mutate into Jimmy Hendrix, i'd lose my shit too. That's my dream. You seem to have achieved yours.

 

[21Neberg]

Suicidal feelings can be a side effect of certain medications, I believe. Don't give in to them - you're a beautiful person with a lovely fiancé! The feelings should disappear in a while, perhaps your fiancé could support you through this tough time? Wish you nothing but love & luck!

 

[futur]

Suicidal feelings can be a side effect of certain medications, I believe. Don't give in to them - you're a beautiful person with a lovely fiancé! The feelings should disappear in a while, perhaps your fiancé could support you through this tough time? Wish you nothing but love & luck!

completely agree. From my personal experience i can tell that SSRI and especially high dosage of SNRI (Venlafaxine) are able to provoke extreme suicidal ideation and actions, i literally cannot control myself in psych. ward. I quite all the psychotropic drugs last summer and my suicidal thoughts became not so intrusive. That doesn't mean that you should quite your medicines tomorrow but it is still a reason to talk with your doc.

Besides i have read a few scientifically reliable books (for example Irwing Kirsch "The Emperor's New Drugs") where the authors stated that SSRI and others are not so effective as we might think. Basically, they are Placebos with side effects.

 

[BagofBones]

You are all amazingly wonderful people. Thank you all for your support.. I logged on today in another crisis moment and honestly forgot I posted this... each one of you had been right in your own way..I am incredibly lucky because I met this man in the midst of my worst battle with suicide. I call it a battle because I can hear the suicidal ideation and I can hear myself arguing with it..plus it's physically draining. I refused to date him because I still wasn't over the depression and PTSD from my previous abusive relationship. My fiance has never tried to push me in to anything. Barely a month in to hanging out, I attempted suicide. I scared myself (survival instinct?) I lost so much blood that I was getting lightheaded. I checked myself in to a psychiatric facility that day. The same month, his mother was diagnosed with ALS and his best friend took his own life through drugs. We never got a "honeymoon period", which is kind of wonderful because we make each other happy effortlessly...but..I still haven't been able to fight thisgoddamn voice..I fee like its getting more persistent..I've been throwing up several times a day due to stress and perceived guilt...guilt is a big one for me..also, tested, not pregnant. I'm still ignoring it but its squeezing my heart and lungs like a vice. I'm on Medicaid and the doctors are assholes here. I'm afraid to say anything to my doctor for fear that he will take me off my klonopin and ambien:/

I honestly don't know what to do.

Has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy ? I don't want to destroy the people I love so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All of you.

 

[interim]

Maybe you just need a good therapist to work with. One issue with suicide is that people can want it for very different reasons. For you, it looks like emotional state, depression, which can improve if you find the right people. For me on the other hand, I live with no purpose, no friends, no lovers most of my life, no chance for a change. So no amount of therapy can help me. And of course there are people with various mental or physical illnesses, that have the right to stop the fight, if they had enough...

If there is something to live for, just do it, don't overthink it. Killing yourself is not something that can run away, you can always do it. But a life situation is much more difficult to catch and experience.

 

[Alecsa]

I'm glad you're doing better @BagofBones I often feel this way. Are you by any chance on hormonal birth control? I used to get so messed up because of them.

As for hypnotherapy, I've heard good things about it, however you'd have to find someone with a good rep to avoid being taken advantage of or scammed.

 

[BagofBones]

I'm glad you're doing better @BagofBones I often feel this way. Are you by any chance on hormonal birth control? I used to get so messed up because of them.

As for hypnotherapy, I've heard good things about it, however you'd have to find someone with a good rep to avoid being taken advantage of or scammed.

I appreciate your optimism..externally I'm portraying myself as a healthy 8/10..internally it's a tumultuous 3 :/...I feel so conflicted all the time..I guess this is what bipolar means..