Venting hallelujah

[sólstafir]

Part of my mental illness means that I have inability to express myself among living beings and in forums and even in my head. There is blankness in my head and makes me feel I didn't develop into a real person. So I read depressing sites and have done it for 8 years. Sometimes I stumble upon posts that connect with me somehow, usually when it's not about problems in work or with school which I don't have because -

"I'm sitting in the basement now of my parents home, where I spent so many long nights in my childhood just thinking about the future, without even considering just how much I wasn't even picking up. I genuinely don't feel qualified. not just for a job, or school, or even adult life. I feel like I've been completely stunted to the point where I'm unqualified for human life. I just never picked up the necessary tools and i've lost so much time. I feel like even though i'm externally exactly where I should be (school, job, etc.) i'll never be back on course, and there's no way to just reset."

that's a post from reddit. except this person is at school and have a job despite feeling what he or she wrote. I feel that I have unqualifed for human life so much that I am not in school or have a job. I feel it in my fucking bones. I avoided life because I always knew it. I can't socialize at all because I am not a person. I already know I will hate that I posted this weird thread, but I still am part of this community. I'm nearing 30 and I'm a stranger to myself. I have no compass in my soul neither in this forum or in life.

 

[Sinbad]

I already know I will hate that I posted this weird thread

No sólstafir, your venting thread is justified. I enjoyed reading your genuine post. Thank you for being so brave to share with us your thoughts.

 

[Donewith_]

I can relate with most of what you wrote. I always had a difficulty with emotions and I don't understand myself sometimes.

 

[sólstafir]

No sólstafir, your venting thread is justified. I enjoyed reading your genuine post. Thank you for being so brave to share with us your thoughts.

So kind :') Thank you.

 

[sólstafir]

I can relate with most of what you wrote. I always had a difficulty with emotions and I don't understand myself sometimes.

I related to you yesterday with your emotional numbness post. Emotions are there to guide us, so if we loose them, the feeling of being lost is easy to come. 'Lacking the compass in soul' what I wrote here is probably lack of connection with my emotions. For me it's because I have a psychotic brain and every time after psychosis I feel like brain went through another restart and there is no personality left in me after so many 'storms'. I hope you'll get your connectedness with yourself back.

 

[Donewith_]

I related to you yesterday with your emotional numbness post. Emotions are there to guide us, so if we loose them, the feeling of being lost is easy to come. 'Lacking the compass in soul' what I wrote here is probably lack of connection with my emotions. For me it's because I have a psychotic brain and every time after psychosis I feel like brain went through another restart and there is no personality left in me after so many 'storms'. I hope you'll get your connectedness with yourself back.

Thankyou. I understood. I have been the same as long as I can remember. I was not allowed to express what I truly feel atleast not without getting mocked. Being a sensitive soul, I always kept my feelings to myself and used to break down at the slightest problems. I know that there is no one for me, no one cares.. I felt this when I was very young. If I have no one around me and I feel lonely, that's different.. but, being around people and not sharing my feelings, myself.. it made me feel something is innately wrong with me. I remember feeling dissociated from myself when I was a 8.. I know that the thing I was being punished for is not my mistake, I know that the adult is behaving in a wrong way , I know that they are taking their anger on me, moving my lips only results in more of that,I know I am helpless and that was my fate. This was exactly what I felt when I got abused. I grew up with a single parent. I can't blame anyone ..Its just how I am and how I turned out to be today.

 

[sólstafir]

Thankyou. I understood. I have been the same as long as I can remember. I was not allowed to express what I truly feel atleast not without getting mocked. Being a sensitive soul, I always kept my feelings to myself and used to break down at the slightest problems. I know that there is no one for me, no one cares.. I felt this when I was very young. If I have no one around me and I feel lonely, that's different.. but, being around people and not sharing my feelings, myself.. it made me feel something is innately wrong with me. I remember feeling dissociated from myself when I was a 8.. I know that the thing I was being punished for is not my mistake, I know that the adult is behaving in a wrong way , I know that they are taking their anger on me, moving my lips only results in more of that,I know I am helpless and that was my fate. This was exactly what I felt when I got abused. I grew up with a single parent. I can't blame anyone ..Its just how I am and how I turned out to be today.

Almost same story with me. I believe first we had feelings, but when you get no answer to your feelings at all, or only negative feedback, it's only logical you'll turn numb because you had to suppress your feelings all the time. I'm a social handicap in real life now. I'm sorry we're both in this position. What could help you, is that you'll find a really patient, loving person in this life to help you heal. It happened to me but unfortunately I snapped during psyhcosis and broke up with him. Biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could help, but I'm a drowning person myself. Good wishes to you.

 

[Donewith_]

Almost same story with me. I believe first we had feelings, but when you get no answer to your feelings at all, or only negative feedback, it's only logical you'll turn numb because you had to suppress your feelings all the time. I'm a social handicap in real life now. I'm sorry we're both in this position. What could help you, is that you'll find a really patient, loving person in this life to help you heal. It happened to me but unfortunately I snapped during psyhcosis and broke up with him. Biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could help, but I'm a drowning person myself. Good wishes to you.

I have people that love me in my life actually.. but l am just numb emotionally, they will give all their love to me, I can't reciprocate, I can't return their favours , I just can't give anything back to them which is why I want them to move away from me.
Its good to know that atleast someone's love makes you feel good. It feels good to share my feelings with a person who can understand them since you've been through similar things. Thankyou. I hope things turn out in a good way for you to get out of this abyss.