Venting Had Anyone Else Just Stopped Caring?

[WanderingGypsy]

I just really need to vent…
The last several months I've started to care less and less about everything. It really started a few years ago, but more recently I've really stopped caring to even try to make things better. I barely leave my house, I have withdrawn from my friends, I don't even shower hardly anymore. I'm letting everything fall apart and I still don't really care. The biggest thing I've done is quit my job without having anything more lined up right away. I know this is not a smart or responsible thing to have done, but I couldn't do it anymore. I have never done anything like this before and always have a job lined up when I've left an old one. But this time I just don't care. I have some money saved up and some things lined up to find another job, but nothing solid. This is so incredibly irresponsible of me, and something I would have never done before, but I am so tired of pushing myself so much to just do the normal everyday things. Why is it so hard to just exist?! Why is it so easy for others? I was that way before, why can't I get back to that person?! Why am I failing so much, and not able to pull myself out of it?! I'm so tired!
What hurts too is I don't think anyone else even notices how bad I'm doing. Like no one even cares, or if they do notice no one is saying or doing anything. I know it's ultimately up to me to make things better or fix my life, but for once I just wish someone else would notice and offer help. I just want someone to tell me they're there for me and it will be ok. I've been there for so many other people and have helped them thru their tough times…why can't someone be there for me now?!

 

[knighterrant]

Not only you... although my situation was slightly different, but I think the meaning is the same. When I was still in my first studies, after some time of involvement, something happened. I had no strength to take new steps or to stay there. For months I lived there from day to day with no prospects for the future. I didn't care if I was there or not. I will only add that it was a very specific direction. These studies were, so to speak, combined with work, we had salaries, accommodation, food, etc. I was there until they fired me. I didn't know then whether to be happy or sad. Now I know it worked out well (I think), and then I did absolutely nothing for 8 months until I started my new studies. This major is great, but I don't fit in anywhere. I really need someone to help me and be with me, but it's just a dream that will never come true. If you want to talk more deeply here or in a private message, I'm willing.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

Not only you... although my situation was slightly different, but I think the meaning is the same. When I was still in my first studies, after some time of involvement, something happened. I had no strength to take new steps or to stay there. For months I lived there from day to day with no prospects for the future. I didn't care if I was there or not. I will only add that it was a very specific direction. These studies were, so to speak, combined with work, we had salaries, accommodation, food, etc. I was there until they fired me. I didn't know then whether to be happy or sad. Now I know it worked out well (I think), and then I did absolutely nothing for 8 months until I started my new studies. This major is great, but I don't fit in anywhere. I really need someone to help me and be with me, but it's just a dream that will never come true. If you want to talk more deeply here or in a private message, I'm willing.

Thanks for understanding! I think even if our situations are different, they're still the same point in that it's hard to do what's "right" or what we "need to" when we're struggling so much. I hope that your new major will be better and you can find some joy in that. I'm thankful that on here I feel like I can connect!

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Same here, I've basically just given up on everything. After my boyfriend passed away almost 7 months ago I just gave up, went through a lot of grief, I was already depressed before he passed away, but he gave me hope. Now for the last few months, I've just stopped caring about my life and I'm not motivated to do anything. Every time I try I just get disappointed anyways. I relate to what you're saying. Sorry you have to go through this.

 

[paparoach]

Stopped-caring is how I've felt for at least 1 year now, and every day that goes by makes it hard to rebuild a happy life I once experienced.

It's dangerous. Once you stop caring, and just take life's kicks, and put no effort into picking yourself up, those kick's come quicker and stronger.

Every dicision and action taken just end up making things worse, and you don't care what the repercussions are.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I pretty much lost the abitility to take anything seriously and kinda just shitpost my way through everything.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

Same here, I've basically just given up on everything. After my boyfriend passed away almost 7 months ago I just gave up, went through a lot of grief, I was already depressed before he passed away, but he gave me hope. Now for the last few months, I've just stopped caring about my life and I'm not motivated to do anything. Every time I try I just get disappointed anyways. I relate to what you're saying. Sorry you have to go through this.

I'm sorry to hear about your the loss of your boyfriend! I know how grief can magnify whatever we're feeling, but also add another layer to our hurting. It's especially hard when the person who died is our support or the person who always helped us thru the tough times! I'm sending you a hug and sorry you're going thru this as well!

 

[Well_Its_Time]

I can't sleep more than 3 hours a day and that will get to me.
When all the little ants are marching
Red and black antennae waving
They all do it the same
They all do it the same way

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I've increasingly become more lethargic also. I suppose a part of me still cares but, that's mainly because I feel I have to for the time being. I don't feel able to CTB while my Dad is still alive, although I do feel pretty much ready to go.

I have to support myself financially though. The shit I'd get for not being able to would be so much worse. Work is very slow at the moment though. (I'm freelance.) Obviously, I'm concerned about it but what's worse is I can sense my family getting twitchy about it. Which, if I'm honest irritates me. Because, it's not like I will let it get so bad that I depend on them.

I suppose it's out of kindness- that they're worried about my future. It likely wouldn't reassure them if I told them I don't intend to have a future!

In a phone call a while back, when I was actually inundated with work, an Aunt said the main thing was that I had work. I suppose I did think- I wonder how important someone's employment status seems after they've killed themselves. Maybe not quite so much...

But yes, there's generally so much I should be doing around the house, in the garden, to find more work. As well as just personal care- hair cuts, dental check ups and, I have no energy or will to do any of it. I'm reluctantly and resentfully moving along at a snail's pace.

Perhaps that's the worst of it though, the resentment. I resent being alive. I resent my parents having brought me here and just expecting me to comply to this life. Which doesn't really help anyone really. I do try not to show it- to be fair. It's mainly just small talk with my family as I try to steer them away from talking about my work prospects.

Really though, how on earth are we supposed to do all the stuff required to live when all we actually want to do is die? It's a massive ask really.

Sometimes, I feel like- if they truly want to band ideation under mental illness and say we're all mentally incompetent- we shouldn't be expected to do anything as responsible as work and we should all be on benefits. Or otherwise, accept that we're sane and competent and allow us to leave humanely.