Hello guys, sometime has passed since i posted a thread here in SS, i guess i have been suicidal all my life, but only recently (~ 2 years ago) when a specific incident happened in my life, i became truly suicidal, attempting twice to end my life, taking medication which i thought that it would make have an overdose easily... ahahah how silly was i, i just ended up waking up on the hospital after having passed out both times...
Basically i suspect i suffer from OCD (even though i have never been diagnosed with it, probably because i also never complained about it to a doctor ig) but basically my issue was that i have always been very aware of my thoughts, and my biggest struggle has always been my own mind.
What made me suspect i had OCD, was that when i was younger i used to have these weird habits, where i had to turn on & off the lights because my mind made me fear that if i did not do that, someone i love would die or some shit like that... lol
There was much more weird stuff i used to do because of OCD, but i don't want to make the post very long..
Basically i always felt depressed throughout my life, while my friends had fun and girls, i always felt "ugly" and thought i was weak, even though some people told me the opposite.
I was also bullied when i was younger, for a few years of my life, where i felt alone all the time, and was constantly mad that others would have so many friends, girlfriends and happiness...and i felt like i was born to suffer because i did not have any of that...
Then a few years later i got into meditation to help with my social anxiety and more benefits, and it helped me breaking those OCD "routines" i had, through mindfulness.
But i am 21 years old now, and i feel depressed still because i have friends who got girlfriends and have a fun life, and i am alone, have no girlfriend, and i always feel like i am not gonna be able to satisfy a girl or that she will not like me...
I believe these thoughts i have of low self-wort and self-hate come from the trauma i got from experiencing bullying when i was younger..
And recently i have started to believe that i am cursed or some shit, that i will never be able to achieve my dreams, like getting a girl, getting my own house, car, etc... and i start to think that the only solution and path i have in life it's suicide.
But sometimes, i have this urge of not giving up from my life, of keep trying and persisting, just to keep having that 1% chance of achieving my dreams and enjoy life like i wish to do..
I just wish to stop feeling suicidal, i want to have a happy and enjoyable life, i know life is hard, but there are things i'd like to achieve in life, i'd like to die happy, not sad...
In those days i feel truly depressed and suicidal, i really believe that things will never get better, and i start having thoughts like "suicide is the only way for me" "why keep trying to recover if nothing good ever comes from it?"....
I really really would like to recover and achieve my desires in life, but everyday it feels like i am getting deeper and deeper in this hole and it feels impossible to ever get out of it..
I don't want to CTB, but i fear that all my attempts to recover are a waste of time that bring no results at all, and that i will have to CTB..
Guys.. sorry for the long ass thread, but in your opinion, is it possible for me to recover and find happiness in life, despite the possible mental issue i have?
I just wanna be happy, and i'd like to not CTB if possible, but if life doesn't get better.. i can't keep going on...
Help me, please.
Basically i suspect i suffer from OCD (even though i have never been diagnosed with it, probably because i also never complained about it to a doctor ig) but basically my issue was that i have always been very aware of my thoughts, and my biggest struggle has always been my own mind.
What made me suspect i had OCD, was that when i was younger i used to have these weird habits, where i had to turn on & off the lights because my mind made me fear that if i did not do that, someone i love would die or some shit like that... lol
There was much more weird stuff i used to do because of OCD, but i don't want to make the post very long..
Basically i always felt depressed throughout my life, while my friends had fun and girls, i always felt "ugly" and thought i was weak, even though some people told me the opposite.
I was also bullied when i was younger, for a few years of my life, where i felt alone all the time, and was constantly mad that others would have so many friends, girlfriends and happiness...and i felt like i was born to suffer because i did not have any of that...
Then a few years later i got into meditation to help with my social anxiety and more benefits, and it helped me breaking those OCD "routines" i had, through mindfulness.
But i am 21 years old now, and i feel depressed still because i have friends who got girlfriends and have a fun life, and i am alone, have no girlfriend, and i always feel like i am not gonna be able to satisfy a girl or that she will not like me...
I believe these thoughts i have of low self-wort and self-hate come from the trauma i got from experiencing bullying when i was younger..
And recently i have started to believe that i am cursed or some shit, that i will never be able to achieve my dreams, like getting a girl, getting my own house, car, etc... and i start to think that the only solution and path i have in life it's suicide.
But sometimes, i have this urge of not giving up from my life, of keep trying and persisting, just to keep having that 1% chance of achieving my dreams and enjoy life like i wish to do..
I just wish to stop feeling suicidal, i want to have a happy and enjoyable life, i know life is hard, but there are things i'd like to achieve in life, i'd like to die happy, not sad...
In those days i feel truly depressed and suicidal, i really believe that things will never get better, and i start having thoughts like "suicide is the only way for me" "why keep trying to recover if nothing good ever comes from it?"....
I really really would like to recover and achieve my desires in life, but everyday it feels like i am getting deeper and deeper in this hole and it feels impossible to ever get out of it..
I don't want to CTB, but i fear that all my attempts to recover are a waste of time that bring no results at all, and that i will have to CTB..
Guys.. sorry for the long ass thread, but in your opinion, is it possible for me to recover and find happiness in life, despite the possible mental issue i have?
I just wanna be happy, and i'd like to not CTB if possible, but if life doesn't get better.. i can't keep going on...
Help me, please.
