Guys. I need a fucking pep talk.

[gingerplum]

It's really not fair that my family suffer during the holidays because I am a fucking waking nightmare. I managed to take a bath today, go me. I feel like I've given my kids a lot of happy memories, but even an entire childhood of great times doesn't really cancel out the memory of mom hanging herself in the closet, does it? My daughter asked me if we're "having Thanksgiving" today. How is that even a thing? When did I become so non-functional that holidays are a non-event? My husband told me he's tired of my crying waking him up all night... I had no idea that I'm crying at night.

Anyone here managing to pull their shit together for appearance's sake?

 

[OkTotti]

i have thankgiving with my family tomorrow, which i should be grateful as I know there a members on here who will be alone during Thanksgiving. But i'm so worried that I won't be able to mask my depression and my family will start to talk and worry. I've recently lost my job and I haven't told my family yet. Tomorrow will be very difficult for me....

 

[gingerplum]

i have thankgiving with my family tomorrow, which i should be grateful as I know there a members on here who will be alone during Thanksgiving. But i'm so worried that I won't be able to mask my depression and my family will start to talk and worry. I've recently lost my job and I haven't told my family yet. Tomorrow will be very difficult for me....

Thank you for responding, Totti. I don't know why, but it really does resonate with me that there are others that feel the same way.

 

[Final Escape]

It's really not fair that my family suffer during the holidays because I am a fucking waking nightmare. I managed to take a bath today, go me. I feel like I've given my kids a lot of happy memories, but even an entire childhood of great times doesn't really cancel out the memory of mom hanging herself in the closet, does it? My daughter asked me if we're "having Thanksgiving" today. How is that even a thing? When did I become so non-functional that holidays are a non-event? My husband told me he's tired of my crying waking him up all night... I had no idea that I'm crying at night.

Anyone here managing to pull their shit together for appearance's sake?

Im sorry you're struggling so bad, I can relate but I'm mostly alone with no kids or spouse. But I now look at holidays as a non event because I have no family that I keep in contact with. I was the black sheep reject of the family so that's why the estrangement. It's weird to not celebrate holidays that I used to sort of participate in up till like my 20's, then into mid 30's I got more isolated and felt excluded. Yes much of it my own fault and mental illness.

 

[Final Escape]

It's really not fair that my family suffer during the holidays because I am a fucking waking nightmare. I managed to take a bath today, go me. I feel like I've given my kids a lot of happy memories, but even an entire childhood of great times doesn't really cancel out the memory of mom hanging herself in the closet, does it? My daughter asked me if we're "having Thanksgiving" today. How is that even a thing? When did I become so non-functional that holidays are a non-event? My husband told me he's tired of my crying waking him up all night... I had no idea that I'm crying at night.

Anyone here managing to pull their shit together for appearance's sake?

What are u so down about? I'm not saying u have no reason because I'm aware that life is hard no matter what your situation.

 

[gingerplum]

What are u so down about? I'm not saying u have no reason because I'm aware that life is hard no matter what your situation.

It's a culmination of years in the making, not worthy of documentation and I'm sure not interesting in the least.

 

[Xerxes]

We're breaking tradition by spending Thanksgiving by traveling somewhere new. So wife and I are doing a Miami/Key West trip starting tomorrow. Every holiday is just another day for me with the exception of wedding anniversary days and her birthday.

 

[Xerxes]

I'm sorry you're unable to pull together, but maybe your husband and daughter can do Thanksgiving preparation for once so you don't have to do it.

 

[gingerplum]

I'm sorry you're unable to pull together, but maybe your husband and daughter can do Thanksgiving preparation for once so you don't have to do it.

They are. I feel just deplorable that I can't even do this for them.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm really sorry, Gingerplum. I can barely imagine the strain of trying to keep up appearances with a spouse and child. I'm deliberately hiding for the holiday, spending it alone. And I'm specifically not catching the bus this week so that I don't forever mess up my mother's favorite family holiday. But as filled as this week is with memories of happier times, it's pretty bloody awful. I admire your strength for persevering despite being in the midst of family.

 

[gingerplum]

I'm really sorry, Gingerplum. I can barely imagine the strain of trying to keep up appearances with a spouse and child. I'm deliberately hiding for the holiday, spending it alone. And I'm specifically not catching the bus this week so that I don't forever mess up my mother's favorite family holiday. But as filled as this week is with memories of happier times, it's pretty bloody awful. I admire your strength for persevering despite being in the midst of family.

Thank you. Really. The irony of asking for a pep talk on a website for sanctioned suicide isn't completely lost on me. It helps so much that kind people like you understand. Also, there's no URL for "get off your sad ass and bake something, loser". I checked.

Ok. I'm up. I will do this, I will.

 

[dysfunctional]

It's really not fair that my family suffer during the holidays because I am a fucking waking nightmare. I managed to take a bath today, go me. I feel like I've given my kids a lot of happy memories, but even an entire childhood of great times doesn't really cancel out the memory of mom hanging herself in the closet, does it? My daughter asked me if we're "having Thanksgiving" today. How is that even a thing? When did I become so non-functional that holidays are a non-event? My husband told me he's tired of my crying waking him up all night... I had no idea that I'm crying at night.

Anyone here managing to pull their shit together for appearance's sake?

I can't hide it. I'll be there but I can barely hold a conversation and can't smile. A short while ago I was highly engaging with
A major sense of humor.

 

[TooLate2582]

I can totally relate to keeping shit together for appearances sake. I do it every day.

I choose to work holidays to give me extra money to afford temporary distractions.

 

[MachineGunDani]

I can def relate!! I have a son who hasn't lived with me in over a year and I live with my bf and I'm driving him crazy with my moods and bringing him down bc I can hardly function. Tomorrow, thanksgiving I'll b alone bc well I wasn't invited with my family and I'm mad at my bf's family lol. I feel ur pain!

 

[TiredHorse]

The irony of asking for a pep talk on a website for sanctioned suicide isn't completely lost on me. It helps so much that kind people like you understand.

For me, the greatest irony is how comforting this entire forum is, and how it may have delayed --or even harmed-- my plans to ctb. You all are so damned kind and compassionate! How's a fellow supposed to feel good about offing himself when he's around people who are so generally approving of him? Sheesh...

I might be alone tomorrow, and life might still suck so badly that I intend to shed it as soon as I possibly can, but I will be giving thanks for having known such a virtual community as you all.

 

[gingerplum]

For me, the greatest irony is how comforting this entire forum is, and how it may have delayed --or even harmed-- my plans to ctb. You all are so damned kind and compassionate! How's a fellow supposed to feel good about offing himself when he's around people who are so generally approving of him? Sheesh...

I might be alone tomorrow, and life might still suck so badly that I intend to shed it as soon as I possibly can, but I will be giving thanks for having known such a virtual community as you all.

 

[OkTotti]

It's a culmination of years in the making, not worthy of documentation and I'm sure not interesting in the least.

You should share you story....I'd find it interesting..

 

[MachineGunDani]

I'd b lost without this site! It helps to kno others have similar pain

 

[gingerplum]

It's very odd to be so moved at a time when I think I've lost the capacity to feel.

 

[TooLate2582]

It's very odd to be so moved at a time when I think I've lost the capacity to feel.

That's what we're here for. We stand alone, together

 

[Fucking loving it]

Message me anytime. I'm in a similar situation. Sending love .

 

[gingerplum]

You should share you story....I'd find it interesting..

Ok. Because I know no one here will ridicule me, and because it's fucking anonymous, why not? Here's an excerpt from my journals on Evernote.

Funny story. I had just vomited up the lining of my esophagus. About a third of the entire thing, from the look of it. I had never experienced such a bizarre mixture of clinical fascination and complete, abject horror. It defied both rational explanation and logic, but there it was: a ragged, bright red, tube-shaped chunk of flesh, right there in the toilet bowl. Holy fucking fuck. No. Nooo. How was this even possible? Couldn't be. In the midst of reeling in shock and disbelief, I also had some questions: 1) How am I going to explain this condition in the ER (and fuck me, did I need to bag up the chunk of flesh and bring it with me?), and 2) was I going to bleed to death and die from a massive vascular hemorrhage before I could explain the situation, much less get to the ER?

These are totally irrational but completely daunting questions when you're looking at what appears to be a hefty chunk of your own mucosal tissue floating in the toilet bowl. I was an experienced nurse, but I don't care who you are: As mindfucks go, this one was a major league contender. This one was a real doozy.

Still dizzy with fear and revulsion, I realized I had to somehow make sense of this. I normally purged mutiple times a day, quickly, uneventfully, and discretely. This time had been different, though. Unusually difficult. I had the usual feeling of fullness, which precipitated the familiar panicky sensation, but what followed was decidedly different. I couldn't get results, despite triggering strong, successive gag reflexes. Then, suddenly, I had lurched forward and felt something dislodge. Forcefully, feeling like something had torn loose. Finally, I thought. I had successfully emptied the contents of my stomach. An unusual effort, a huge chunk of food, but still.

My relief was short lived, however: my knees turned to jelly as I stood blinking in horror over the chunk of flesh in the toilet bowl. What the fuck, I thought. What the fuck have I done to myself? As I leaned over the toilet, blinking and trying to process what I was seeing, my brain began to unscramble, and one word lit up in the forefront of my conscience: gelatin. Gelatin, really? Oh yeah, I thought. That goddamn 10 calorie diet drink mix I drank, designed to fill my stomach and curb hunger. Forgot about that.

 

[OkTotti]

Ok. Because I know no one here will ridicule me, and because it's fucking anonymous, why not? Here's an excerpt from my journals on Evernote.

Funny story. I had just vomited up the lining of my esophagus. About a third of the entire thing, from the look of it. I had never experienced such a bizarre mixture of clinical fascination and complete, abject horror. It defied both rational explanation and logic, but there it was: a ragged, bright red, tube-shaped chunk of flesh, right there in the toilet bowl. Holy fucking fuck. No. Nooo. How was this even possible? Couldn't be. In the midst of reeling in shock and disbelief, I also had some questions: 1) How am I going to explain this condition in the ER (and fuck me, did I need to bag up the chunk of flesh and bring it with me?), and 2) was I going to bleed to death and die from a massive vascular hemorrhage before I could explain the situation, much less get to the ER?

These are totally irrational but completely daunting questions when you're looking at what appears to be a hefty chunk of your own mucosal tissue floating in the toilet bowl. I was an experienced nurse, but I don't care who you are: As mindfucks go, this one was a major league contender. This one was a real doozy.

Still dizzy with fear and revulsion, I realized I had to somehow make sense of this. I normally purged mutiple times a day, quickly, uneventfully, and discretely. This time had been different, though. Unusually difficult. I had the usual feeling of fullness, which precipitated the familiar panicky sensation, but what followed was decidedly different. I couldn't get results, despite triggering strong, successive gag reflexes. Then, suddenly, I had lurched forward and felt something dislodge. Forcefully, feeling like something had torn loose. Finally, I thought. I had successfully emptied the contents of my stomach. An unusual effort, a huge chunk of food, but still.

My relief was short lived, however: my knees turned to jelly as I stood blinking in horror over the chunk of flesh in the toilet bowl. What the fuck, I thought. What the fuck have I done to myself? As I leaned over the toilet, blinking and trying to process what I was seeing, my brain began to unscramble, and one word lit up in the forefront of my conscience: gelatin. Gelatin, really? Oh yeah, I thought. That goddamn 10 calorie diet drink mix I drank, designed to fill my stomach and curb hunger. Forgot about that.

Yes, thanks for sharing... and I really did find this interesting

 

[gingerplum]

Yes, thanks for sharing... and I really did find this interesting

Please consider this the equivalent of a thousand thank-you notes flooding your inbox. Thank you for reading my narcissistic little blurb.

 

[Fucking loving it]

Ok. Because I know no one here will ridicule me, and because it's fucking anonymous, why not? Here's an excerpt from my journals on Evernote.

Funny story. I had just vomited up the lining of my esophagus. About a third of the entire thing, from the look of it. I had never experienced such a bizarre mixture of clinical fascination and complete, abject horror. It defied both rational explanation and logic, but there it was: a ragged, bright red, tube-shaped chunk of flesh, right there in the toilet bowl. Holy fucking fuck. No. Nooo. How was this even possible? Couldn't be. In the midst of reeling in shock and disbelief, I also had some questions: 1) How am I going to explain this condition in the ER (and fuck me, did I need to bag up the chunk of flesh and bring it with me?), and 2) was I going to bleed to death and die from a massive vascular hemorrhage before I could explain the situation, much less get to the ER?

These are totally irrational but completely daunting questions when you're looking at what appears to be a hefty chunk of your own mucosal tissue floating in the toilet bowl. I was an experienced nurse, but I don't care who you are: As mindfucks go, this one was a major league contender. This one was a real doozy.

Still dizzy with fear and revulsion, I realized I had to somehow make sense of this. I normally purged mutiple times a day, quickly, uneventfully, and discretely. This time had been different, though. Unusually difficult. I had the usual feeling of fullness, which precipitated the familiar panicky sensation, but what followed was decidedly different. I couldn't get results, despite triggering strong, successive gag reflexes. Then, suddenly, I had lurched forward and felt something dislodge. Forcefully, feeling like something had torn loose. Finally, I thought. I had successfully emptied the contents of my stomach. An unusual effort, a huge chunk of food, but still.

My relief was short lived, however: my knees turned to jelly as I stood blinking in horror over the chunk of flesh in the toilet bowl. What the fuck, I thought. What the fuck have I done to myself? As I leaned over the toilet, blinking and trying to process what I was seeing, my brain began to unscramble, and one word lit up in the forefront of my conscience: gelatin. Gelatin, really? Oh yeah, I thought. That goddamn 10 calorie diet drink mix I drank, designed to fill my stomach and curb hunger. Forgot about that.

I relate....

 

[TooLate2582]

Ok. Because I know no one here will ridicule me, and because it's fucking anonymous, why not? Here's an excerpt from my journals on Evernote.

Funny story. I had just vomited up the lining of my esophagus. About a third of the entire thing, from the look of it. I had never experienced such a bizarre mixture of clinical fascination and complete, abject horror. It defied both rational explanation and logic, but there it was: a ragged, bright red, tube-shaped chunk of flesh, right there in the toilet bowl. Holy fucking fuck. No. Nooo. How was this even possible? Couldn't be. In the midst of reeling in shock and disbelief, I also had some questions: 1) How am I going to explain this condition in the ER (and fuck me, did I need to bag up the chunk of flesh and bring it with me?), and 2) was I going to bleed to death and die from a massive vascular hemorrhage before I could explain the situation, much less get to the ER?

These are totally irrational but completely daunting questions when you're looking at what appears to be a hefty chunk of your own mucosal tissue floating in the toilet bowl. I was an experienced nurse, but I don't care who you are: As mindfucks go, this one was a major league contender. This one was a real doozy.

Still dizzy with fear and revulsion, I realized I had to somehow make sense of this. I normally purged mutiple times a day, quickly, uneventfully, and discretely. This time had been different, though. Unusually difficult. I had the usual feeling of fullness, which precipitated the familiar panicky sensation, but what followed was decidedly different. I couldn't get results, despite triggering strong, successive gag reflexes. Then, suddenly, I had lurched forward and felt something dislodge. Forcefully, feeling like something had torn loose. Finally, I thought. I had successfully emptied the contents of my stomach. An unusual effort, a huge chunk of food, but still.

My relief was short lived, however: my knees turned to jelly as I stood blinking in horror over the chunk of flesh in the toilet bowl. What the fuck, I thought. What the fuck have I done to myself? As I leaned over the toilet, blinking and trying to process what I was seeing, my brain began to unscramble, and one word lit up in the forefront of my conscience: gelatin. Gelatin, really? Oh yeah, I thought. That goddamn 10 calorie diet drink mix I drank, designed to fill my stomach and curb hunger. Forgot about that.

Aren't eating disorders fun?

Thanks for sharing