Help Guilt

[justsuicidal]

Hi guys. I need some advice I'm new to posting on this forum but I've lurked for a while. So I had a plan set out. I was going to do SN. I went to a doctor and lied and said I had a headache to get a prescription for meto which worked, so now I have that, and next step is to purchase SN. But I accidentally let it slip to one of my managers at work (who is also a close friend) because we always joke about offing ourselves when something goes wrong about work and I jokingly said "yeah man wish my Nembutal guy would answer me back" and he felt like there was truth to that (which there is, I had also been in contact with A but he hadn't replied in a few hours) and he was like "———, I feel like you're not joking are you okay" and he's good at reading people so he wouldn't let me go home (I went to our job to help jump his car and I was joking about it outside) so I followed him to his place and we ended up talking for like 3 hours him offering resources but my biggest issues is he says if I do it, he will blame himself for not being able to help me enough. This scares me because for 6 years he had an oxy addiction that almost killed him and he was like "not saying I'll relapse because I want to stay clean, but I can't live with knowing I couldn't help you. I can't imagine going to work and you not being there. It's going to be a big deal I'm going to have to transfer stores it's really going to fuck me up" and then he started talking about how it will affect my family because he knows my mom. And so I don't know how I'm going to do it now that I have all this guilt on my shoulders knowing I can cause him and my family pain if I go. It's making me second guess my choices so I've reached out for help but deep down I know I still want to do this.. how do I get over the guilt?
TL;DR the guilt of hurting my friends and family is keeping me from going through with my plan this weekend on my birthday even though I wanna do it Bc I care more about their happiness.

 

[Moonicide]

May I ask what lead you to ctb?

I've been where you're at when it comes to guilt. I am loved and cared about. I've had people tell me to not leave them or they'd be right behind me... All these words and emotions are very heavy to carry and live with. I spent most of my life living for others, because I love them, because they needed me. But the thing is, I've wasted my time for others. I was never wasting time for myself. For me, I couldn't find a reason for me to live. Without a reason, is life really worth living? I've spent so many years living wounded, carrying baggage, my trauma, my pain, etc. I can't do it anymore... I'm done living for others. I know my departure is going to hurt. I've already written goodbye letters to help them understand why I chose to end my life. In a way, letters can provide closure and some comfort to our loved ones.

 

[dedalus1238900]

That's a tough spot, especially going to his house, I would try and avoid him and especially saying something so specific, at least in the meantime try to downplay your comments say hey thanks for listening I was having a bad few days. Maybe if you, as mentioned, joked with him saying something like knowing my luck I'm going to be struck by lightning or something so preposterous so he's not worried where he would try to have you in a Psych ward. I don't know your job, you can quit right before and say it had better pay or you have to move for family.

Also, by your comments he is making you feel guilty for your decisions and is being selfish and manipulative, he is saying all these things to make himself feel like he is helping and making himself feel better and essentially making you feel worse with guilt. I had great co-workers and I miss them but I moved on. He's made your life essentially tied to his. He maybe knew someone who did and wants to help but he crossed the line saying it would ruin him and that is toxic.You make your choices and should not be dictated by guilt someone has transferred to you.

Family you didn't mention and thats a whole other situation.