Venting guilt, ward stay and this never ending loneliness gnawing on me

[Morgengrauen]

sorry for so many posts the past days but i guess this post kinda explains why i'm constantly bombarding with posts lol

Like last thread already says, i'm just waiting for the bus currently and planning out last few stuff while also giving therapy in this psych ward a chance. Thing is not only is the general guilt of knowing i'm going to leave behind my friends, who gave their all to get me through last month and get me help. But also the guilt and anxiety i feel trying to get closer to other patients here.

On one hand i really just want to befriend others and have some company, especially since i spend so long completely alone with barely any real life human contact and it made me sick. But on the other...given my plans i would feel awful knowing i will affect people in a really dark and vulnerable state if i get close. I've been on the other side - getting close to people and forming emotional bonds with them only for them to ctb. I do not harbor any anger towards them, in fact i hope i was able to alleviate some of their pain during the time before they left, but the grief...

It's certainly painful to befriend somebody only for them to pass away shortly after, so i feel massively guilty for even wishing to get close to others. My social anxiety is through the roof every time i have to interact with the group or people asking me questions or just this look of curiosity while passing by. I really want to just have any kind of social contact with others but knowing i have less then a month left makes me think isolating myself to keep the damage radius as small as possible would be the wisest. This way at least the other patients aren't as affected and it's "just that weird guy who never talks died lol"

i hope this makes sense i'm typing this on my laptop waiting in my room for the doctors round and shaking in anxiety because i don't want to sit with the other people waiting for reasons i just word vomited out here

 

[crisis]

your concerns are valid but the way you view your plans to ctb arent. if you're giving the psych ward therapy a shot, then clearly you have some hope. the last thing you should be doing at this stage is isolating yourself. ctb is not the only option for you, but treating your relationships under that pretense is a good way to manifest that reality. instead, you should go into friendships the same way you're going into this new therapy; with hope. make friends because you believe there is a reason too, and just maybe that reason will show itself.

and hey, if the psych ward friends arent doing it for you, i'll be your last resort, lol. my user is crisisapart on discord and steam.

 

[Morgengrauen]

your concerns are valid but the way you view your plans to ctb arent. if you're giving the psych ward therapy a shot, then clearly you have some hope. the last thing you should be doing at this stage is isolating yourself. ctb is not the only option for you, but treating your relationships under that pretense is a good way to manifest that reality. instead, you should go into friendships the same way you're going into this new therapy; with hope. make friends because you believe there is a reason too, and just maybe that reason will show itself.

and hey, if the psych ward friends arent doing it for you, i'll be your last resort, lol. my user is crisisapart on discord and steam.

Thing is i don't really have hope at all, been throught this process countless of times and made peace with going, just doing it all for the sake of few friends who pleaded me to at lesst try one more time to get help before i ctb. So i'll do the silly little treatment so i can at least say "i've tried" and hopefully take some of the guilt off of their shoulders, to know it would have needed a miracle to save me and that they did everything they could. But hey, at least i'm not too miserable like before, having access back to medication and knowing i'm not landing on the streets now that i'm basically homeless. It's not entirely negative after all, but nothing they can do or offer would be new or life changing.

Still, i'm right now on mobile but gladly send you a message on discord later, thank you regardless