Guilt is holding me back

[Someonetired]

I'm new to this forum, and I'm honestly so damn relieved to finally have found a place where I can talk about this stuff without anybody thinking I'm crazy, trying to make me feel guilty, starting to cry or trying to admit me to hospital.

I'm sure you've all heard thousands of stories before so I won't post the whole shit load that is my life, but I can tell you this; I'm only 20 years old. And I'm tired of living. I've wholeheartedly tried every possible treatment program/ psychiatric ward/ medication and exhausted every option my country has to offer. I've fought for my right to get help for years (I struggle with food bc of my depression, which developed into severe bulimia and anorexia, and was straight out told I wouldn't get a spot at the inpatient program in my city because they had to give the spot to someone with a chance of surviving.)after years of barreling the system I finally got help for my eating disorder, but my depression is still here. I've been honest about how I'm feeling , sought help for my suicidal tendencies andgone to the emergency services loads of times because I knew I needed help, and I honestly thought I could get better. But now I'm here, I've exhausted all my options, and there is literary nothing I can do to get better that I haven't tried.

but, the guilt is holding back. The guilt is making me force myself to live day after day in this miserable existence, with no hope for the future. I have my mom, my little sister and my grandma, and I know they'd be devastated. I got to experience this first hand when my little sister attempted suicide, and it was honestly awful.. so I'm afraid that if I go, my mom will go to. And my little sister. And I don't think my grandma would be able to take it. But is it really fair to force someone to suffer this much, to waste other people's resources and be this miserable, just because you Want them in your own life?

what is really more selfish; to end your own miserable existence after exhausting every option you have to get better, or to force someone to live in pain just because wiki don't wanna go trough loosing someone?
Sorry for rambling, I Just have a lot on my mind..

 

[Finallyatpeace]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm completely ready to go for my own reasons, but I have a wife and 1 year old son. The guilt of abandoning them is what's kept me here up until this point. The way I've chosen to deal with it is leaving either a note or video and just explain how unbearable life was and how hard I tried to make the most of life, both for myself and for everyone around me, but the darkness consumed me and just destroyed me inside. Hopefully they'll realize how much better off you are. Having said that, as harsh as it may sound, it wouldn't be your problem anyway. You won't be here to see the aftermath. At some point, we have to do what's best for ourselves.

 

[mesohappy]

Welcome and sorry about your situation..Alot of people here struggle with the same issues of guilt.While I have no one I would be leaving behind,I sometimes still struggle with the guilty feelings when I look around my community or hear peoples stories on this forum,and realize some have been dealing with so much worse than me and fought much longer..I hope whatever your decision you find peace and comfort from your suffering.

 

[Someonetired]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm completely ready to go for my own reasons, but I have a wife and 1 year old son. The guilt of abandoning them is what's kept me here up until this point. The way I've chosen to deal with it is leaving either a note or video and just explain how unbearable life was and how hard I tried to make the most of life, both for myself and for everyone around me, but the darkness consumed me and just destroyed me inside. Hopefully they'll realize how much better off you are. Having said that, as harsh as it may sound, it wouldn't be your problem anyway. You won't be here to see the aftermath. At some point, we have to do what's best for ourselves.

I see where you're coming from and I'm sorry for your situation.. but at the same time I find it hard to believe that a video or a note would make them understand.. I've written notes when I've "tried" to do it before (I wrote "tried" because I think I still had a hope of being saved at that time in my life.. I think I was just trying to convince the system I needed help and that they needed to take me seriously, and tbh that's rly shameful and hard to even admit to myself..) but the point is that when I look at the notes now, and imagine that it was my little sister that wrote something like that and died, them I still don't think it would have helped the family in any real way.. I don't think any of us (except maybe me) would have been able to forgive her and move on, and after seeing how bad my mom handled my sisters suicide attempt I just can't help but believe that me ending it all would kill her. She even said so herself, that She couldn't survive loosing another kid (my other sister died.) And even tho I'm not religious, I believe it's something after death. I believe that me ruining my family would somehow haunt me. But to be honest I think it all comes back to the fact that I believe I'm such an awful human being that I don't even deserve to die.
(Sorry for ranting, I guess I didn't even know how much I needed to voice my thoughts)

Welcome and sorry about your situation..Alot of people here struggle with the same issues of guilt.While I have no one I would be leaving behind,I sometimes still struggle with the guilty feelings when I look around my community or hear peoples stories on this forum,and realize some have been dealing with so much worse than me and fought much longer..I hope whatever your decision you find peace and comfort from your suffering.

Yeah, I feel like I don't "deserve" to struggle because nothing REALLY bad ever happened to me, if u know what I mean?

 

[Aeathelina]

I'm sorry you feel that way
My viewpoint on suicide and guilt after numerous failed/ half ass attempts in my 25 years of living. Is that unless you have that spark of life, the passion, the drive to be alive then you're not really living.
I don't think its right to guilt someone into a continued existence for the sake of others. What the person who is hurting on the inside and cannot find peace no matter what treatment they get.

 

[Finallyatpeace]

I understand that. I would be worried too. But ultimately, what it comes down to is, what's best for us? I have trouble asking myself that question because I automatically apply the selfishness I would assume people would think about me to that very question. But we have to be selfish when it comes to our very existence. What good will you be to your mom 5 years from now? 10? 20? Do you think you can even function by then? That's what I think about. I'm sparing my loved ones from seeing me turn into someone (or something) that lashes out at everything and gets no joy from life. That's no good to you and certainly no good to your mother. You have to let her make her own decisions on how she chooses to deal with the trauma, just as I'm sure you want people to let you make you own decision on how to deal with your trauma.

 

[Jean4]

When you pain is greater than the guilt, it will be time and you will know.

Welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here.

 

[Grandexit]

So many of us are exactly where you are. No hope of a better tomorrow. Just struggling to get through every day. Not wanting to devastate those left behind. It's excruciating, unfortunately I don't have any smart answers. But at least you have found a place with other lost people who know how you feel. I hope you find some measure of relief here.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Concise and clear OP.

The challenge I identify with is the weighing of my own wants and needs against those of others. It is rare that I see in my own life or in others' situations such equality in the opposition. Perhaps the problem lies with the word selfish. It is condemning of both you and your loved ones. It places all of you in prison cells, divided by a wall -- defining what that wall is, and placing it in a non-condemning environment may give you some freedom to more safely explore your wants and needs, and to validate both them and you.

Guilt also condemns. It demands no forward movement, and preemptively dooms such effort. Guilt messages are echoes of the past and demand that others needs and the past are more valid than your needs or the present or the future. In fact it seeks to invalidate you entirely.

Perhaps you could set aside the guilt messages and give yourself permission to freely explore the forbidden, which will take some of its power and allow you to experience your own. Such free exploration will give you insight, and release some of the links in the chains anchoring you in the prison cell, which serve to reify and validate it. He prison is not valid, and as much as it seems so, it is not real.

I'm glad you reached out. I hope you find support on SS that helps your self-determination, whatever that means for you. If I haven't provided anything of value for you in this post, there's lots of other folks who will be better able to address you, your needs, and your wants. I wish only for your well-being, and your right and ability to manifest it

 

[Apathy79]

You've got a veritable shit storm of factors working against you at such a young age. And a few that give me hope.

It sounds to me like you've got 3 people in your life that you love intensely and that love you. That's where your whole dilemma is coming from. It may not seem like enough to live for right now, the depression is winning, but it's a huge advance on the majority of people here.

You kicked an eating disorder that doctors told you was incurable. They'd written you off. You had no chance. Fubar to that! It's done.

You're genuinely making an attempt to get better. You want to beat this. It hasn't worked so far. But you have form in the area of defying all expectations already. And you're 20. I can remember being 20. I was an absolute basket case. If I look back on my 20yo self now, it's really hard not to be ashamed of who I was then. But the thing is that person isn't even remotely like the person I am now. In your 20s, life changes very quickly, and so do you.

The guilt you're feeling is coming from a place of love. That love you have for them, directed inward, is what gives you a chance. Many don't recover from deep depression, especially beyond 40, and it's possible you won't either, but I know people who have done it, and the combination of youth, determination and loved ones is usually the weapon that wins.

I'd embrace the guilt for now, find the love behind it, and value it above everything. Keep close to those who bring it up within you, and try to love yourself the same way you love them. I don't know if it will work or not, and even if it does it won't be straight away, but I feel more hopeful about you than most here.

All the best.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. To answer your question, it is MORE selfish to force someone to live through pain just because one doesn't want to go through the trouble and pains of losing said individual. I hate those morally superior, smug, arrogant people is a passion!

 

[Finallyatpeace]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. To answer your question, it is MORE selfish to force someone to live through pain just because one doesn't want to go through the trouble and pains of losing said individual. I hate those morally superior, smug, arrogant people is a passion!

I agree, and I would get angry at someone who would try to make me feel guilty for doing it. I wouldn't say that I *hate* them, but I would tell them they're the selfish ones for making me suffer just for their own sake. The only thing anyone could argue would be my obligation to my wife and son because I'm supposed to be there for them. That I do agree with, and it gives me the most guilt. I just know what I'll turn into if I stay longer and I don't want them to see that. I want them to remember me the way I was supposed to be. Other than that, I don't really feel any guilt for anything else because I know this is what I need. That's all we can do. After we end our pain, we won't feel the guilt anyway.

 

[Someonetired]

So many of us are exactly where you are. No hope of a better tomorrow. Just struggling to get through every day. Not wanting to devastate those left behind. It's excruciating, unfortunately I don't have any smart answers. But at least you have found a place with other lost people who know how you feel. I hope you find some measure of relief here.

Thank you, i don't think I can put into words how much this means to me

You've got a veritable shit storm of factors working against you at such a young age. And a few that give me hope.

It sounds to me like you've got 3 people in your life that you love intensely and that love you. That's where your whole dilemma is coming from. It may not seem like enough to live for right now, the depression is winning, but it's a huge advance on the majority of people here.

You kicked an eating disorder that doctors told you was incurable. They'd written you off. You had no chance. Fubar to that! It's done.

You're genuinely making an attempt to get better. You want to beat this. It hasn't worked so far. But you have form in the area of defying all expectations already. And you're 20. I can remember being 20. I was an absolute basket case. If I look back on my 20yo self now, it's really hard not to be ashamed of who I was then. But the thing is that person isn't even remotely like the person I am now. In your 20s, life changes very quickly, and so do you.

The guilt you're feeling is coming from a place of love. That love you have for them, directed inward, is what gives you a chance. Many don't recover from deep depression, especially beyond 40, and it's possible you won't either, but I know people who have done it, and the combination of youth, determination and loved ones is usually the weapon that wins.

I'd embrace the guilt for now, find the love behind it, and value it above everything. Keep close to those who bring it up within you, and try to love yourself the same way you love them. I don't know if it will work or not, and even if it does it won't be straight away, but I feel more hopeful about you than most here.

All the best.

Thank you for for writing back, it means a lot! And I really do see your point, I'm only 20, I've beaten a lot of shit already and I have people that love me.. but that's also what's making me feel so guilty for feeling this way, because I know I have a lot not advantages and don't have it so bad as many others. At the same time I've always laid all the hope on "if I just gain weight, if I just stop throwing up, if I just get admitted to this or this hospital then it will all be alright" if if if.. and now those ifs have become real, but I'm still stuck. And I'm so damn tired of doing everything "right" and trying my best but still ending up at the same place. The only thing that keeps me from flat out giving up is the small relief I get from engaging in my eating disorder, but it dosent really help in the long run. It's more like an addiction, something that keeps the pain away and numb you for a little while. And I don't want it to take over my life again, because I honestly think the pain of seeing someone you love turning into a skeleton, becoming an angry, confused and selfish person you don't recognize is worse than seeing them pass away. And I honestly don't think I can keep living this way without the mind numbing feeling you get when you're to weak to even walk.. I don't want to put my family trough that again, and I don't want to put them trough my death. But I honestly have no idea what to do, because I can't seem to get a life worth living no matter what I do

 

[AlreadyGone]

I understand how you feel, but I cannot continue to live in pain to make other people happy. They have their lives, I have mine.