I ordered SN (waiting on transaction to process). I can't find antiemetics but I will prep extra just in case. I can fast longer if needed. I found this site while Googling painless ways to pass on. Saw a news article that mentioned this site and here I am. I'm so glad to have found this site. The community here is so supportive, informed, helpful, and just awesome. Thank you!!
I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. I grew up in a domestically violent home. I've had my own personal traumas. We were poor. None of this is unique, I know. I've had moments in my life where I thought maybe I can be normal and successful. I'm surrounded by those people. But I feel like a failure next to them as I'm so far behind. I've made poor choices in relationships and finances because of my past, and it's caught up to me. I'm tired of trying to make it. Tired of feeling guilt and shame. The self-loathing is sometimes unbearable.
What has stopped me from CTB in the past was my mom. I know she, more than anyone else, would take my passing hard. I don't know that I can continue though. I don't want to. I've seen and done plenty. I'm ok if I don't wake up tomorrow. I've been ok with not existing for years. But I've reached a point where I'm just exhausted. I don't recognize myself. I just want to peacefully pass into the night and return to the stars. But I can't stop feeling guilt knowing that my mom will suffer. I know it's ultimately my life so it's my say. It's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with that for me. I lived mostly under "should" rather than "want". And now that I'm trying to focus on what I want, I realize that it's permanent rest. I'm so tired. Weary.
I don't think anyone around me would guess I'm going through this. Like I said, I've lived as I thought I should, putting on a smile, pretending to be positive, etc. I feel bad that it'll be a shock for some, especially my family. I keep wondering if I'm being selfish if I go through with CTB...
Anyway, thanks for reading. It's nice to have a safe place to share and vent. Especially to people who get it. Thank you again, SaSu community!
I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. I grew up in a domestically violent home. I've had my own personal traumas. We were poor. None of this is unique, I know. I've had moments in my life where I thought maybe I can be normal and successful. I'm surrounded by those people. But I feel like a failure next to them as I'm so far behind. I've made poor choices in relationships and finances because of my past, and it's caught up to me. I'm tired of trying to make it. Tired of feeling guilt and shame. The self-loathing is sometimes unbearable.
What has stopped me from CTB in the past was my mom. I know she, more than anyone else, would take my passing hard. I don't know that I can continue though. I don't want to. I've seen and done plenty. I'm ok if I don't wake up tomorrow. I've been ok with not existing for years. But I've reached a point where I'm just exhausted. I don't recognize myself. I just want to peacefully pass into the night and return to the stars. But I can't stop feeling guilt knowing that my mom will suffer. I know it's ultimately my life so it's my say. It's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with that for me. I lived mostly under "should" rather than "want". And now that I'm trying to focus on what I want, I realize that it's permanent rest. I'm so tired. Weary.
I don't think anyone around me would guess I'm going through this. Like I said, I've lived as I thought I should, putting on a smile, pretending to be positive, etc. I feel bad that it'll be a shock for some, especially my family. I keep wondering if I'm being selfish if I go through with CTB...
Anyway, thanks for reading. It's nice to have a safe place to share and vent. Especially to people who get it. Thank you again, SaSu community!
