Guilt about how ctb will affect family

[Squiggles3]

How do you get over the feeling of guilt about how ctb will affect my family? They aren't perfect but they love me and are supportive. I'd do anything for them and I really am trying to get help, but it isn't going to work. I see the way the world is heading and I don't see myself getting any help with transitioning even in the UK with NHS, the transitioning going well, or it being worth living long enough to get the help I'm supposedly going to get.

I don't want to hurt my family, and I know it will, especially my mum. I don't know if my mum would ever be able to happy again. I know it would devastate all my family but she would take it the worst. Also, I have an autistic brother who struggles a lot in life. He has no friends, he likely will struggle with a job, likely will struggle or potentially never be in a relationship and generally has a hard time communicating and doing basic things. I would be abandoning him and leaving him all alone. On the other hand, I never asked to be born, I didn't ask for any of this. Its not fair on my to be forced to live but its not fair on them for me to die either.

I don't really know how to process this.

 

[Dyingoportunity]

This is what I worry about. I'm in the same position with my brother and my family, and I tell myself the same things whenever the thought of my death pops up. i wish i knew the answer too.

 

[FuneralCry]

It wouldn't matter to me as after all if I don't exist then nothing can concern me and death is all that's inevitable anyway, all humans are destined for nothing but to decay and die, I never would had chosen this existence in the first place anyway and I find it the most terrible tragedy how I was forced to suffer, for me existence really is the problem and I just wish I never suffered more than anything, I only continue to suffer because I'm so cruelly denied a death like falling into an eternal dreamless sleep, I just want to never exist ever again.