Death Standing
Time comes for everyone and everything
- Dec 3, 2019
- 26
So it appears that a lot of people in my life (or that have chosen to leave it) care for me. And I care for a lot of them. Yet, here I am still wanting to end my suffering. I don't see it as selfish anymore. It's just something I feel like I need to do. My life has just been pain after pain, never ceasing, if but for moments, before it starts back up again. And even with meds and therapy it always comes roaring back, worse. This time I feel like I really plan to do it. But I have to get some things out of the way first.
My plan starts with the arrival of the pure nicotine I ordered, which is considered to be a very lethal poison. I plan to mix it and drink, hopefully dying in my sleep (if I can fall asleep that is).
But there are some people I want to leave something behind for (to help with closure or for them to later revel in the good times that were had after the pain of my absence ceases to hurt so much).
They consist of:
My family is mostly aware that I have severe depression. They don't all know that I've contemplated suicide or the fact that I am currently. I love them and also need them to understand why I killed myself and won't be there for Christmas this year. Those are possibly going to be the hardest ones to make.
On the topic of my dad's I feel like there's just things that I want to be said before I go. Things that never were. Not sure if I should even make them considering they both don't contact me anymore but it may make going through with this easier on me.
My favorite teacher is someone who basically became my mom. She never judged me and was always there for me, doing her best to provide insight into life (she's a sociology teacher and is one of the smartest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet). I want to write to her but I'm not sure how I will with the logistics of her receiving it and my suicide attempt thereafter.
And my ex. I have never loved anyone quite like her. She loved me to. She was the only person who brought peace to my life, whether we were on FaceTime or I was with her in person. She was free of mental illness, something I never found in someone before and was great at just listening and being there for me when the darkness was too much.
In one of my varying moods (that I seemingly can no longer control) I cheated on her. I felt guilty and the next day had a mental breakdown and was sent to the hospital. Lied my way out of a third inpatient stay. I got home and told her. She took it in stride and decided she couldn't stay with me, not that I blame her. She was almost to perfect to be with a guy like me.
We're no longer in contact but I feel like I owe it to her to let her know it was not her leaving me that pushed me to suicide. As she will hear that I killed myself from word of mouth or from the school directly. I need her to understand that it was a conscious choice I made to end my problems. Not a better state of being but just an end. The serenity of it sounds beautiful.
So I must ask, do I write letters and mail them? Could I record videos and allow for them to go up at certain times? Should I abandon leaving those that care about me anything at all? Or should I possibly leave out certain people? Any guidance someone has would be helpful. Depending on the route I go this could take a lot of time. Thank you for reading
Sincerely,
Death Standing
My plan starts with the arrival of the pure nicotine I ordered, which is considered to be a very lethal poison. I plan to mix it and drink, hopefully dying in my sleep (if I can fall asleep that is).
But there are some people I want to leave something behind for (to help with closure or for them to later revel in the good times that were had after the pain of my absence ceases to hurt so much).
They consist of:
- Some of my really close friends
- Select few family members
- Both of my dad's (my biological one who will never see what I wrote/create and my adopted father who I don't really talk to anymore)
- My favorite teacher
- My Ex-Girlfriend who left me after I cheated on her
My family is mostly aware that I have severe depression. They don't all know that I've contemplated suicide or the fact that I am currently. I love them and also need them to understand why I killed myself and won't be there for Christmas this year. Those are possibly going to be the hardest ones to make.
On the topic of my dad's I feel like there's just things that I want to be said before I go. Things that never were. Not sure if I should even make them considering they both don't contact me anymore but it may make going through with this easier on me.
My favorite teacher is someone who basically became my mom. She never judged me and was always there for me, doing her best to provide insight into life (she's a sociology teacher and is one of the smartest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet). I want to write to her but I'm not sure how I will with the logistics of her receiving it and my suicide attempt thereafter.
And my ex. I have never loved anyone quite like her. She loved me to. She was the only person who brought peace to my life, whether we were on FaceTime or I was with her in person. She was free of mental illness, something I never found in someone before and was great at just listening and being there for me when the darkness was too much.
In one of my varying moods (that I seemingly can no longer control) I cheated on her. I felt guilty and the next day had a mental breakdown and was sent to the hospital. Lied my way out of a third inpatient stay. I got home and told her. She took it in stride and decided she couldn't stay with me, not that I blame her. She was almost to perfect to be with a guy like me.
We're no longer in contact but I feel like I owe it to her to let her know it was not her leaving me that pushed me to suicide. As she will hear that I killed myself from word of mouth or from the school directly. I need her to understand that it was a conscious choice I made to end my problems. Not a better state of being but just an end. The serenity of it sounds beautiful.
So I must ask, do I write letters and mail them? Could I record videos and allow for them to go up at certain times? Should I abandon leaving those that care about me anything at all? Or should I possibly leave out certain people? Any guidance someone has would be helpful. Depending on the route I go this could take a lot of time. Thank you for reading
Sincerely,
Death Standing
Last edited:
