Guess I'm getting better.

[SterileMoth]

So I guess I'm going to be here now, because now I have more reasons to live. It sort of hurts to say, in a weird kind of way. I have this beautiful best friend, who means the fucking world to me, and she's told me she didn't really have a good friend for a long time till me. That I came when she needed me, and showed her what a good friendship could actually be. I'm realizing exactly what I went through with me ex, and how horrible it all was, that it was there since the start just in more subtle ways. That I really do fucking deserve better than that. My other best friend is just going into adult life and while she seems to be thriving right now, I want to be there to see it. And the other of my closest friends is this close to relapsing, so she needs me. I left for one night and my cat apparently refused to eat while I was gone for the most part, so she would miss me too. I know my parents would. I have a tattoo planned for next week, and another months away, both are already booked and deposits put down so I can't just waste the money.

I also think my meds are working, the last ones I thought worked too ... but I'm not sure if they worked the same way. We'll see if this one bums out in 6 months too. Neither have helped with my anxiety however, the benzo I was prescribed for a couple weeks to try does, but I'm sure I could fall prey to addiction on that one and I know it's very rarely prescribed long term, so I'm not sure how that will go. But it seems good, things have actually been pretty good. I still don't like waking up, I still wish I could just sleep for a few weeks or months. My sleep schedule is fucked because I would love to stay up till 5 AM, but then I don't wake up till 4 or 5 PM the next day. Which is what I've been doing. I need to get that in order, I want to wake up at 10 or 11 at least. I don't know.

I don't really know why I wrote this. Just that ... I guess I'm on this side now. Even though it still kind of sucks to say.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

So I guess I'm going to be here now, because now I have more reasons to live. It sort of hurts to say, in a weird kind of way. I have this beautiful best friend, who means the fucking world to me, and she's told me she didn't really have a good friend for a long time till me. That I came when she needed me, and showed her what a good friendship could actually be. I'm realizing exactly what I went through with me ex, and how horrible it all was, that it was there since the start just in more subtle ways. That I really do fucking deserve better than that. My other best friend is just going into adult life and while she seems to be thriving right now, I want to be there to see it. And the other of my closest friends is this close to relapsing, so she needs me. I left for one night and my cat apparently refused to eat while I was gone for the most part, so she would miss me too. I know my parents would. I have a tattoo planned for next week, and another months away, both are already booked and deposits put down so I can't just waste the money.

I also think my meds are working, the last ones I thought worked too ... but I'm not sure if they worked the same way. We'll see if this one bums out in 6 months too. Neither have helped with my anxiety however, the benzo I was prescribed for a couple weeks to try does, but I'm sure I could fall prey to addiction on that one and I know it's very rarely prescribed long term, so I'm not sure how that will go. But it seems good, things have actually been pretty good. I still don't like waking up, I still wish I could just sleep for a few weeks or months. My sleep schedule is fucked because I would love to stay up till 5 AM, but then I don't wake up till 4 or 5 PM the next day. Which is what I've been doing. I need to get that in order, I want to wake up at 10 or 11 at least. I don't know.

I don't really know why I wrote this. Just that ... I guess I'm on this side now. Even though it still kind of sucks to say.

This is amazing, congrats. I understand the ambivalence though - the darkness is more comfortable and familiar. It doesn't make you a bad person for thinking it kinda sucks to say you're feeling better. We naturally prefer what we know, and it sounds like you're going into somewhat unknown depths.

Just remember we're always here if you need to talk, mate. And be careful with the benzos

 

[CuddleHug]

I don't really know why I wrote this. Just that ... I guess I'm on this side now. Even though it still kind of sucks to say.

You know, I'm glad you're here. It's not easy to move away from the idea that CTB is the only option. You are only just now starting to explore what it means to keep fighting and giving life another chance. Of course you're conflicted. We've all been there and no one will judge you if you can't keep it up either.

Recovery is hard, it really is, but we will support you if you let us. Anything you struggle with, feel free to post about it and if nothing else you will at least have put words to what you're feeling.

Big hugs

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm happy for you, and i'm glad you've given life another chance. recovery is a tough journey, but we'll be here to support you.