Growing up with step-parents

[Azzy69]

When I was 6 my parents divorced, and just a few short years later they both remarried. I never really got along with their new partners. My stepmother would force me to hug her, she would call herself our 'bonus mum', she would tell people in public etc. that she was my biological mother. At school events for mothers day she would insist that I go with her, and not with my real mother. It got too much and I stopped living with my dad and stepmother around the age of 13.
On the other hand, my stepdad was very verbally abusive to my older brother. He constantly put him down and insisted on calling him a pr*ck, f*ggot, etc. When I was in my early teen years he tried to make a move on me. I never had the courage to tell my mother. Overall, my teenage years were hell and most of it contributed to my mental health difficulties. I personally think step-parents do more harm than good.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

When I was 6 my parents divorced, and just a few short years later they both remarried. I never really got along with their new partners. My stepmother would force me to hug her, she would call herself our 'bonus mum', she would tell people in public etc. that she was my biological mother. At school events for mothers day she would insist that I go with her, and not with my real mother. It got too much and I stopped living with my dad and stepmother around the age of 13.
On the other hand, my stepdad was very verbally abusive to my older brother. He constantly put him down and insisted on calling him a pr*ck, f*ggot, etc. When I was in my early teen years he tried to make a move on me. I never had the courage to tell my mother. Overall, my teenage years were hell and most of it contributed to my mental health difficulties. I personally think step-parents do more harm than good.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. I honestly don't think I've ever met a step parent who actually fit or wasn't dysfunctional.

I can relate though, I had a step father for most of my life. Dude was a total prick and we never saw eye to eye. He was probably atleast part of the reason I struggled with depression for most of my life.

 

[justwhy?]

Remember: however much evidence there is to the contrary, progressivism is good and traditionalism is evil. Now go to work so you can buy more stuff so you can tolerate the misery of work.
It's not community and lifelong social bonds that matter - the industrial system is all. Never forget it.

 

[EmptyArms]

I'm a step parent. It's not without its problems. My step children are hostile towards me as a show of solidarity with their embittered mother, now there's a woman who could do with getting over it ..10 years later. I wouldn't mind but I was never 'the other woman'. Those kids are now adults but behave like children. They are rude to me in my own house and unappreciative of any efforts I make towards them, and I am expected to somehow remain neutral as they persist in being unkind and disrespectful to their father, my husband. Frankly I wouldn't care if I never saw any of those spoiled, entitled brats again.

 

[noctiva]

I am actually lost with the hostility coming from both sides here.. My love has 4 children, he and his exwife got divorced 3 years ago, we started to date a bit over 2 years ago.
It is not easy to suddenly have 4 children around, everybody wants and needs something, everybody wants and needs to be heard, and I come from a quiet family where I was taught as a child to be quiet and not to be seen or heard. But I know how my childhood has fucked me up, so I tried my hardest, I read books on parenting, I tried to learn about the kids from my partner, how have they developed, how does he see their character, then I of course made my own observations.
I tried to engage them with making food, baking cake, play tabletop games, talk video games, play video games, learn about their interests (I struggle with their love for sport, but I have learned to relate to the anime and manga interests, the pokemon stuff etc). I observed their behavioural problems and read up on them. What does it mean if a kid does this/ that? What is that behaviour telling your about what the kid is lacking in his/ her life? Safety? Love? Attention? How can I provide it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not good at it. I try, it is a journey. For example I cannot yet touch them, I am uncomfortable and they are too. Of course, if we touch when setting the table or squeezing through the hallway, that is fine, but not as in hugging for comfort. I can also tuck them into bed, put the blanket on them, smile at them, close the curtains and wish them a good night, turn of the lights and partially close the door. That is not a problem.

I can talk to them, ask them how their day was, compliment them on new clothes, teach them how to use perfume, ask them if they are hungry and what they would like. I have not yet worked up the courage to ask them how they feel about any of that, to help them develop emotionally. I was working on that, I have my insecurities too and I always wonder 'Why should they give a shit about me, who am I to them?'. But sometimes.. sometimes they surprise me. When one of them wasn't able to find me when he came down to say good night to his father, he waited until I came back to tell me good night as well. I can still hear his exact wordS and intonation in my head, and it is just making me cry right now. Or the first time the youngest spoke to me in English.. She looked at me, huge eyes, full of fear, and said 'Tank you' before running away, embarrassed.

Since he doesn't talk to me anymore and I am not allowed to come over anymore, I have realized how much I have actually started to fall in love with all of them. My heart breaks from losing them, and I wish I could just go home, see them, try to make another batch of blue cheesecake with them, talk to them with more love, give them more attention to truly connect with them. If you date someone with a child, you need to 'date' their child as well.

 

[oopswronglife]

My parents were both married and divorced multiples times. My childhood was miserable. It was always about them and they moved from family to family cheating, lying, leaving shit behind and starting over.My step parents were shit, I was a reminder from the past, their kids treated me badly, I hate them and will die hating them. People should get one marriage and if they fuck it up no more....or at least no more kids. Extreme view I know....but ive suffered for it.

 

[HitchHiker]

Your stepparents don't sound like good ones Azzy69 and I'm sorry you have to experience what you have with them. Sending hugs xx

But there are good ones. To be able to take on and care for children you didn't create is a huge thing. With it, comes many difficulties, emotions and lessons. I have a lot of respect for people who can do that and keep their sanity.

 

[justwhy?]

I am actually lost with the hostility coming from both sides here.. My love has 4 children, he and his exwife got divorced 3 years ago, we started to date a bit over 2 years ago.
It is not easy to suddenly have 4 children around, everybody wants and needs something, everybody wants and needs to be heard, and I come from a quiet family where I was taught as a child to be quiet and not to be seen or heard. But I know how my childhood has fucked me up, so I tried my hardest, I read books on parenting, I tried to learn about the kids from my partner, how have they developed, how does he see their character, then I of course made my own observations.
I tried to engage them with making food, baking cake, play tabletop games, talk video games, play video games, learn about their interests (I struggle with their love for sport, but I have learned to relate to the anime and manga interests, the pokemon stuff etc). I observed their behavioural problems and read up on them. What does it mean if a kid does this/ that? What is that behaviour telling your about what the kid is lacking in his/ her life? Safety? Love? Attention? How can I provide it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not good at it. I try, it is a journey. For example I cannot yet touch them, I am uncomfortable and they are too. Of course, if we touch when setting the table or squeezing through the hallway, that is fine, but not as in hugging for comfort. I can also tuck them into bed, put the blanket on them, smile at them, close the curtains and wish them a good night, turn of the lights and partially close the door. That is not a problem.

I can talk to them, ask them how their day was, compliment them on new clothes, teach them how to use perfume, ask them if they are hungry and what they would like. I have not yet worked up the courage to ask them how they feel about any of that, to help them develop emotionally. I was working on that, I have my insecurities too and I always wonder 'Why should they give a shit about me, who am I to them?'. But sometimes.. sometimes they surprise me. When one of them wasn't able to find me when he came down to say good night to his father, he waited until I came back to tell me good night as well. I can still hear his exact wordS and intonation in my head, and it is just making me cry right now. Or the first time the youngest spoke to me in English.. She looked at me, huge eyes, full of fear, and said 'Tank you' before running away, embarrassed.

Since he doesn't talk to me anymore and I am not allowed to come over anymore, I have realized how much I have actually started to fall in love with all of them. My heart breaks from losing them, and I wish I could just go home, see them, try to make another batch of blue cheesecake with them, talk to them with more love, give them more attention to truly connect with them. If you date someone with a child, you need to 'date' their child as well.

Oh noctiva please don't think that I'm trying to chastise people in your kind of position - I'm touched every time I read of you and your adoptive family. It's not remotely your fault that these cultural and legal conditions have arisen and you had nothing to do with the breakdown in your partner's marriage. It even sounds like he and his ex wife did a far healthier job of separating than most (50/50 physical custody iirc).
I just want to push back against the social engineering that's brought us to this point and isn't really about serving peoples' best interests - more serving hidden agendas by playing on peoples' desires.