without_chance
Member
- Apr 14, 2025
- 9
My beloved cat, who had been with me since 2007, passed away from kidney failure a little over a month ago. It was extremely traumatic because, although I knew he was old, his health declined extremely quickly. By the time he started showing symptoms and we got him to a vet, there was nothing we could do besides euthanasia or taking him home to let him pass (vet estimated he didn't even have another 24 hours left). I elected for euthanasia.
This is the first time I'm dealing with grief from a death. I realize that this is not very common for someone my age, and that it's a privilege in a lot of ways.
That night I cried so much that it felt like I had the flu by the time I went to bed. Headache, chills, muscle aches, etc. I continued crying over the next few days, then stopped for the most part. At the beginning, I felt more confused and disoriented than suicidal. But about a month later and the suicidal feelings are in full swing, particularly because of my family. The same day he died, my maternal grandma scolded me for letting him get so old in the first place and said I should've had him put to sleep sooner (meanwhile she has a Pomeranian that's so old she's gone deaf and blind). A couple of days later, my dad told me this has been harder for him than it's been for me. Bear in mind, he was my cat who I had since I was 7 years old! I'm not saying it hasn't been hard for my dad. We live together and so he spent a lot of time with the cat too, I know he loved my cat and that my cat loved him too.
Then earlier this evening I had to visit my mom for something and she started laying into me about not taking enough substitute teaching jobs. She needled me about this and eventually I told her it was because of my cat dying. Then she started going on about how she wasn't even sad for this long after her dad died and that it's been a month and I should get over it. I thought to myself unlike your dad, my cat never abused children, but instead I politely told her she was being a jerk and she just responded that this is how she is. So, I finished up what I came there to do and left without a word. Why should I bother saying goodbye to someone like that. If a rando at the grocery store said that kind of thing to me, most people would agree I would be justified in telling them to go fuck themselves, or even punching them!
I'm so sick and tired of these sorry SOBs, especially my mom. She does nothing but treat the people around her like trash and then complain about being lonely. I know she also has her mental health struggles, but come the fuck on. And now as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm realizing for the millionth time that money is my only value in this society. If I can't make at least a couple of thousand dollars a month, I'm doomed.
Since my cat died, it feels like I've been knocked off a horse and I can't get back on it. Previously, I was the kind of person who always checked everything off on her to do list each day. Both going to sleep and getting out of bed feel pointless. I'm comfort eating, sleeping in to absurd times (7 PM on some days), unable to keep up with household responsibilities, etc. I work in education and have aspired to become a teacher, and even joined an alternative certification program at the beginning of 2024. But I dicked around and my time in that program is set to expire in a few months and there's no way I'll be able to complete all the requirements in time. I'm screwed. I worked at Dollar General for a couple of months this past spring and it nearly caused me to have a psychotic break. And it wasn't even paying me more than my tutoring job. I'm beginning to doubt if I'm even capable of having a career.
In the past year or so, I've had multiple traumatic incidents regarding driving (near wrecks, encountering people trying to run an insurance scam, etc.), a job that nearly gave me a psychotic break, and now my beloved cat dying. Everything feels hopeless and I can't see a future for myself at all. I'm 25 and still depend on my dad. I'm autistic and quite intelligent in some ways but I lack the ability to take life by the reins that getting to where I need to be in life requires. Without concrete steps, I really truly struggle. Most autistic adults are unemployed or underemployed. I've went my whole life without accommodations because it was always that my parents believed I didn't need them, were unwilling to navigate the bureaucracy necessary to obtain them, or lacked the money to pursue them. I'm wondering if I should just apply for disability and be done with it, even though I know disability payments are puny. But my girlfriend is on disability and she gets more in her monthly payment than I earn in a month with two jobs. I don't see the honor in struggling.
It just feels hopeless. Who knew that a cat dying could send my whole entire life out of whack.
This is the first time I'm dealing with grief from a death. I realize that this is not very common for someone my age, and that it's a privilege in a lot of ways.
That night I cried so much that it felt like I had the flu by the time I went to bed. Headache, chills, muscle aches, etc. I continued crying over the next few days, then stopped for the most part. At the beginning, I felt more confused and disoriented than suicidal. But about a month later and the suicidal feelings are in full swing, particularly because of my family. The same day he died, my maternal grandma scolded me for letting him get so old in the first place and said I should've had him put to sleep sooner (meanwhile she has a Pomeranian that's so old she's gone deaf and blind). A couple of days later, my dad told me this has been harder for him than it's been for me. Bear in mind, he was my cat who I had since I was 7 years old! I'm not saying it hasn't been hard for my dad. We live together and so he spent a lot of time with the cat too, I know he loved my cat and that my cat loved him too.
Then earlier this evening I had to visit my mom for something and she started laying into me about not taking enough substitute teaching jobs. She needled me about this and eventually I told her it was because of my cat dying. Then she started going on about how she wasn't even sad for this long after her dad died and that it's been a month and I should get over it. I thought to myself unlike your dad, my cat never abused children, but instead I politely told her she was being a jerk and she just responded that this is how she is. So, I finished up what I came there to do and left without a word. Why should I bother saying goodbye to someone like that. If a rando at the grocery store said that kind of thing to me, most people would agree I would be justified in telling them to go fuck themselves, or even punching them!
I'm so sick and tired of these sorry SOBs, especially my mom. She does nothing but treat the people around her like trash and then complain about being lonely. I know she also has her mental health struggles, but come the fuck on. And now as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm realizing for the millionth time that money is my only value in this society. If I can't make at least a couple of thousand dollars a month, I'm doomed.
Since my cat died, it feels like I've been knocked off a horse and I can't get back on it. Previously, I was the kind of person who always checked everything off on her to do list each day. Both going to sleep and getting out of bed feel pointless. I'm comfort eating, sleeping in to absurd times (7 PM on some days), unable to keep up with household responsibilities, etc. I work in education and have aspired to become a teacher, and even joined an alternative certification program at the beginning of 2024. But I dicked around and my time in that program is set to expire in a few months and there's no way I'll be able to complete all the requirements in time. I'm screwed. I worked at Dollar General for a couple of months this past spring and it nearly caused me to have a psychotic break. And it wasn't even paying me more than my tutoring job. I'm beginning to doubt if I'm even capable of having a career.
In the past year or so, I've had multiple traumatic incidents regarding driving (near wrecks, encountering people trying to run an insurance scam, etc.), a job that nearly gave me a psychotic break, and now my beloved cat dying. Everything feels hopeless and I can't see a future for myself at all. I'm 25 and still depend on my dad. I'm autistic and quite intelligent in some ways but I lack the ability to take life by the reins that getting to where I need to be in life requires. Without concrete steps, I really truly struggle. Most autistic adults are unemployed or underemployed. I've went my whole life without accommodations because it was always that my parents believed I didn't need them, were unwilling to navigate the bureaucracy necessary to obtain them, or lacked the money to pursue them. I'm wondering if I should just apply for disability and be done with it, even though I know disability payments are puny. But my girlfriend is on disability and she gets more in her monthly payment than I earn in a month with two jobs. I don't see the honor in struggling.
It just feels hopeless. Who knew that a cat dying could send my whole entire life out of whack.
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