Venting Grief From a Lost Parent?

[misukiimikki]

Hiii! I'm misukii!!! I'm 18 years old. I have never been diagnosed with depression. Although, the pain that I feel I would assume would be depression. I've had this consistent pain for around.. 5 years? I started cutting 2 years ago and only a month ago I was considering ctb.

It started when my mom was rushed to the hospital when I was in 7th grade. She just had surgery and.. her staples tore, which led to the staple wedging itself into one of my mom's main arteries and when they tried to remove it, it tore the artiery. and blah blah blah.. you guys don't wanna hear all that.. basically she almost died.
that's when I started crying at night. that's when I began fearing for my moms safety.
after that day that all of that happened, my mom was given 5 years left at most.

I wasn't told about this until 2 years ago. And needless to say I was pissed I wasn't told sooner.

My mom went through another life or death experience 2 years ago. I was the one who found her on the floor. her heart had stopped beating, and for some cruel irony, it was the day after I was registered to preform cpr. I tried my best to keep her alive for the long wait till the ambulance came.. but it's hard to focus when your sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

She lived through that too.

But recently my mom has passed away. She passed away on my first day of college.. and I just feel lost. I feel like nothing really is real anymore. I don't know how I ffeel about it most of the time.

I sit alone, crying, holding the only thing that reminds me of her. she wouldn't want me to do this but it hurts so bad but I feel so guilty.

I also have been dealing with my dad too, he had cheated on my mom while she was in the hospital dying and now that my moms dead, he's brought the girl back and is fucking with her.

he even fucked the girl in the same room my moms in.

But when I bring anything up, I get yelled at and called selfish by him.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be painful and hard to deal with being trapped in that situation, existence really is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[protector_iorek]

Hey there, I'm sorry you're grieving so much. Idk if it helps to say that grief is normal during this time and it's okay to ride it out each day.

When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with a form of very aggressive cancer. By age 13 she was dead. And all between that time I had to take care of her, watch her deteriorate.. I wasn't close to her, she didn't seem to care about me or take an interest in me. It's horrible but I didn't feel anything towards her.. not love nor hate.. because she never cared for me, never gave any love time, she acted like I didn't exist. So when she was sick, how was I supposed to feel?

And yet I was scared of her illness and the things she would say or ask me to do to help her. I was not prepared to be a caretaker for a dying person at age 13. It was messed up.

I still grieved her passing, in my own unique way. It wasn't traditional grieving, in that I missed her.. because I didn't know her. But I'd still lost this major figure in my life who was supposed to love me. It was very confusing. I still have guilt and confusion now at 32.

Anyway, not to make it about me.. what I want to say is that anything you're feeling right now is okay, and you can grieve however you want.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Hello @misukiimikki! I'm sorry to hear that. : (

I think, for now.. you should ignore your father! (as much as it is possible), grieve your mother (because you still suffer and you need to channel this pain out) but keep going forward! Keep going forward and figure it out along the way! Is that what your mother would have wanted for you maybe!?

And if you need to talk, we're always here.