Venting Gratitude v Suicide

[trynacbt]

I think the lack of access to methods like euthanasia, having to do it all in secret, suicide not being understood in society, and much less accepted... is just really messing with me.

I know, it's like, newsflash!!! This isn't new information

I'm someone who grew up with many privileges: parents who loved me and treated me well, everything I needed materially/economically, the opportunity to have an excellent education, physical health, and the experience of being in love two times, among many other things...

I'm also someone who was often shut down when expressing any form of negative feeling, i.e., that's no reason to cry, think of what others go through; you should be grateful for what you have; pray to God for you are blessed; come on, stop that, why lie in bed all day; I just don't understand why you can't be happy; don't you feel supported, though? the treatments, the friends; when will this end?

SS has opened my eyes to just how much the expression of negative feeling has been monitored and denied to me all my life; before I found this site, I couldn't even say that my suffering was "suffering"; couldn't use a word like that, because look at all the things I've had in life.

I've realized I've had to hide so much of myself from the world, and for so long. I've been called emotionally fragile, and I do believe I am, but I also think there is a certain fragility to those who appear happiest, who cling to that happiness.

I guess what I'm getting to is, I feel conflicted about ctb sometimes, because I also feel so incredibly grateful for the life I've lived. I wish so much that certain things could be different; that I could develop independence, feel intelligent, give rather than only receive... and I do wish that I could continue living, have a "normal", ordinary life.

Still, at the end of the day I really don't have anything to complain about, even despite the history of bipolar, depression, and suicide in my family.

If only things like euthanasia were an option; if only neurotypical individuals who did not experience active suicidality could try to understand, really try, make an effort... then maybe this heavy cognitive dissonance would not have to be a thing.

I can be grateful and I can be suicidal. I can be appreciative of the life I've lived and I can also choose to end it.

Both can exist. And the expression of negative feeling, no, the embracing of it, is essential to its healing...

 

[CaptainT]

I think the lack of access to methods like euthanasia, having to do it all in secret, suicide not being understood in society, and much less accepted... is just really messing with me.

I know, it's like, newsflash!!! This isn't new information

I'm someone who grew up with many privileges: parents who loved me and treated me well, everything I needed materially/economically, the opportunity to have an excellent education, physical health, and the experience of being in love two times, among many other things...

I'm also someone who was often shut down when expressing any form of negative feeling, i.e., that's no reason to cry, think of what others go through; you should be grateful for what you have; pray to God for you are blessed; come on, stop that, why lie in bed all day; I just don't understand why you can't be happy; don't you feel supported, though? the treatments, the friends; when will this end?

SS has opened my eyes to just how much the expression of negative feeling has been monitored and denied to me all my life; before I found this site, I couldn't even say that my suffering was "suffering"; couldn't use a word like that, because look at all the things I've had in life.

I've realized I've had to hide so much of myself from the world, and for so long. I've been called emotionally fragile, and I do believe I am, but I also think there is a certain fragility to those who appear happiest, who cling to that happiness.

I guess what I'm getting to is, I feel conflicted about ctb sometimes, because I also feel so incredibly grateful for the life I've lived. I wish so much that certain things could be different; that I could develop independence, feel intelligent, give rather than only receive... and I do wish that I could continue living, have a "normal", ordinary life.

Still, at the end of the day I really don't have anything to complain about, even despite the history of bipolar, depression, and suicide in my family.

If only things like euthanasia were an option; if only neurotypical individuals who did not experience active suicidality could try to understand, really try, make an effort... then maybe this heavy cognitive dissonance would not have to be a thing.

I can be grateful and I can be suicidal. I can be appreciative of the life I've lived and I can also choose to end it.

Both can exist. And the expression of negative feeling, no, the embracing of it, is essential to its healing...

A fantastic piece of writing and summation of the core of my beliefs too. As the Russian saying goes, "beauty without suffering is impossible." @trynacbt have you read 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' (Milan Kundera)? It's exactly about your existential question. To choose life or to end it. Two sides of one coin.

 

[SinisterKid]

But you are giving, right here, right now.

 

[trynacbt]

A fantastic piece of writing and summation of the core of my beliefs too. As the Russian saying goes, "beauty without suffering is impossible." @trynacbt have you read 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' (Milan Kundera)? It's exactly about your existential question. To choose life or to end it. Two sides of one coin.

Great quote. Yes, I've read that book! But it was five years ago now. I wish I could re-read it, but I don't think I will have the time to before I go...

But you are giving, right here, right now.

Damnit, you're making me cry.

 

[CrushedHopes]

You can still be hollow even with all the resources and materialistic wealth at your disposal. I've learnt that much.... the hard way. :/

You can have all the money in the world, and you can still feel like shit. People like me feel like they need to assert their own dominance over others and they're never thankful for what they have. I guess this is why I deserve this shitty outcome. I'm going to end it all - I can't even stand myself anymore.

 

[niki wonoto]

I know this is an old post, but I can somewhat relate to the OP. To be fair, my life also has been quite privileged (& even too spoiled/pampered). And I am grateful/thankful for everything good/nice that have happened in my life, although sadly things just seem to get worse & worse now in my life (& I don't know why especially it seems like 'bad lucks' keep happening, even when I've at least tried to do some "positive" things). Maybe that's why my depression just got so much worse now, to the point now I'm having suicidal ideation basically everyday.

And then there is also what's called the existential depression (which I think it's worse than existential crisis). I've had it for a (very) long time. Basically it's about questioning the meaning of life (& all other deep or "big questions" about existence, the world, society, reality, god, universe, etc etc). Honestly, I feel that only few people in this world probably have experienced this existential depression (which I think in some ways, it's probably worse than just the 'normal' or regular depression). I don't know if maybe it's because my life is a failure, and I feel like a loser, especially at my current age now (I'm 40 years old). Had my life been successful, and had I've been "living the dreams", got all my dreams come true, had many friends, girlfriend or special one, not feeling alone, etc etc, then maybe I wouldn't have this existential depression.

(Sorry for my bad English, I'm from Indonesia)