Got rejected for a grant today that I had been hanging my career on

[notthisoutcome]

I have not had any good news in such a long time. I thought that today would be that day.

It wasn't.

I got rejected for a grant proposal to a foundation that was going to fund my idea for 3 years so I could develop it. It would mean a salary. I haven't had a salary since 2013. I'm so tired of crowd funding and trying to be fucking "famous on the internet." I'm not good at it. I don't want to do it that way because I will fail.

I'm 40. I am not sure I can handle any more career failures. I know I am more than my career, but I also really thought my life would amount to more than it has. I feel so lied to. Nobody knew me well enough to tell me how mediocre I really was. They all told me I was smart and talented. I am not.

I want to put my advanced directives together soon.

I had an endometrial biopsy yesterday. I also am scheduled for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I have been having wildly irregular periods, hives, lumps in my lymph nodes, etc. I know cancer is in my body somewhere, brewing. I know I don't have a lot of time left. I am actually relieved to consider this. I am so tired.

I love my husband and I don't want to leave him here on this Earth alone, but he is strong. He has weathered my mess of an existence for this long. He will be able to live life without me. I know he will because we've talked about it. He doesn't want me to go, but he understands why I want to.

I need to figure out how I can become a tree when I die so I can give back to my husband and our animals. I want him to set up a scholarship in my name so that people like me who are super sensitive and caring have a chance at a good life. A scholarship that allows us to have a nice, stable, ordinary career and the ability to participate in the world and make good decisions.

And I want to see my mother. Not my stupid egg donor. The universal mother, the one I know is there on the other side waiting for me.

I want to come home. I've been waiting for so long, and I feel like I shouldn't have even made it this far. Please let the diagnosis be cancer. I don't care how painful the death is. It will be beautiful to say goodbye to my body and go on to the next phase of all of this. I believe there's an afterlife. Enough friends of mine have taken DMT that I know there's something more than this. The universe is so beautiful. It's absolutely more than this.

 

[Nicothe13th]

I have not had any good news in such a long time. I thought that today would be that day.

It wasn't.

I got rejected for a grant proposal to a foundation that was going to fund my idea for 3 years so I could develop it. It would mean a salary. I haven't had a salary since 2013. I'm so tired of crowd funding and trying to be fucking "famous on the internet." I'm not good at it. I don't want to do it that way because I will fail.

I'm 40. I am not sure I can handle any more career failures. I know I am more than my career, but I also really thought my life would amount to more than it has. I feel so lied to. Nobody knew me well enough to tell me how mediocre I really was. They all told me I was smart and talented. I am not.

I want to put my advanced directives together soon.

I had an endometrial biopsy yesterday. I also am scheduled for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I have been having wildly irregular periods, hives, lumps in my lymph nodes, etc. I know cancer is in my body somewhere, brewing. I know I don't have a lot of time left. I am actually relieved to consider this. I am so tired.

I love my husband and I don't want to leave him here on this Earth alone, but he is strong. He has weathered my mess of an existence for this long. He will be able to live life without me. I know he will because we've talked about it. He doesn't want me to go, but he understands why I want to.

I need to figure out how I can become a tree when I die so I can give back to my husband and our animals. I want him to set up a scholarship in my name so that people like me who are super sensitive and caring have a chance at a good life. A scholarship that allows us to have a nice, stable, ordinary career and the ability to participate in the world and make good decisions.

And I want to see my mother. Not my stupid egg donor. The universal mother, the one I know is there on the other side waiting for me.

I want to come home. I've been waiting for so long, and I feel like I shouldn't have even made it this far. Please let the diagnosis be cancer. I don't care how painful the death is. It will be beautiful to say goodbye to my body and go on to the next phase of all of this. I believe there's an afterlife. Enough friends of mine have taken DMT that I know there's something more than this. The universe is so beautiful. It's absolutely more than this.

Question is why haven't you taken DMT yourself friend?

 

[whywere]

I am in total agreement with you as far as YES, there is ALOT more than just this life, alot more. I have always believed that this is just one of many experiences to behad. The universe is a tapastry. So much, with so many endless variables of existence. I do NOT believe in organized religion at all, but like you @notthisoutcome , there is so much more!! Walter

I am in total agreement with you as far as YES, there is ALOT more than just this life, alot more. I have always believed that this is just one of many experiences to behad. The universe is a tapastry. So much, with so many endless variables of existence. I do NOT believe in organized religion at all, but like you @notthisoutcome , there is so much more!! Walter

Question is why haven't you taken DMT yourself friend?

WOW!!! I have been on here for around 8 months and out of all the response, my 2nd HMPH!!! Now why?? @ Nicothe13th, if I may ask "what is your problem??" I always have been 100% supportive and yes I too can have a idea or two, like everyone here. We are ALL family. Now if someone does not like something, the adult thing to do is ignore it and move on. To "insult" me or nothing is not being much of a family member at all. I have . since I have been on here, read ALOT of things and if it is something that I DO NOT agree with I (LIG), let it go. Please from now on if you REALLY are this way, PLEASE just ignore me 100%. I try and be super nice and supportive, and I DO NOT DESERVE THIS PERIOD!!!! Thank you...Walter

 

[notthisoutcome]

Question is why haven't you taken DMT yourself friend?

I'd like to, but I am afraid. Eventually I'll do it. It's like double dutch jump rope. Hard to know the right time to jump in where you won't get whipped.

 

[timf]

One one hand it sounds like some your expectations and view of life are kind of mechanical making detachment seem easy or desirable. However, on the other hand your sensitivity and concern for your husband seem to reflect a deeper even spiritual aspect.

Some of the physical symptoms can also be associated with severe stress. This could make decision making difficult because of turmoil. Regardless of future plans or desires, it might be beneficial to see if a sort of emotional refuge could be built that would give you (even if only temporary) a stable perspective from which to view things.

It is natural under assault to use detachment as a sort of painkiller. However, sometimes the relief provided by detachment can seem to be an endorsement of detachment as an alternative path. Periods of detachment can be useful to repair damaged circumstances or experiment with new skills.

 

[notthisoutcome]

One one hand it sounds like some your expectations and view of life are kind of mechanical making detachment seem easy or desirable. However, on the other hand your sensitivity and concern for your husband seem to reflect a deeper even spiritual aspect.

Some of the physical symptoms can also be associated with severe stress. This could make decision making difficult because of turmoil. Regardless of future plans or desires, it might be beneficial to see if a sort of emotional refuge could be built that would give you (even if only temporary) a stable perspective from which to view things.

It is natural under assault to use detachment as a sort of painkiller. However, sometimes the relief provided by detachment can seem to be an endorsement of detachment as an alternative path. Periods of detachment can be useful to repair damaged circumstances or experiment with new skills.

Thanks for your perspective. I have been trying to find an emotional refuge for myself right now. Today I went for a drive in my van which was remodeled into a camper a few years ago and so I actually just drove it somewhere and parked it and sat on the bed and read a book for a few hours and ate fast food.

I just said fuck it to work for the day. I caught up on stuff late at night. At this point I don't know what my "work" is going to be since I didn't get this grant, so I've taken a "don't try anymore" approach to life. At least for now.

 

[AnnonyBox]

On your botanical concerns, maybe look into the 'BiosUrn.' Wishing you luck with the business idea. My condolences on the cancer.

 

[summers]

@notthisoutcome I worked extensively with grants for several years. The review committees can be fickle to say the least. There were some I killed myself on, thought were perfect and got rejected. Others I did a shit job, thinking there was no chance I would get approved, and they got accepted first go without revisions.

Any chance you can submit an amended proposal?

 

[notthisoutcome]

@notthisoutcome I worked extensively with grants for several years. The review committees can be fickle to say the least. There were some I killed myself on, thought were perfect and got rejected. Others I did a shit job, thinking there was no chance I would get approved, and they got accepted first go without revisions.

Any chance you can submit an amended proposal?

It was a proposal to a private foundation. The feedback was like "we think your board of directors is set up wrong." It had nothing to do with the project. So we'd have to massively restructure our non-profit to be looked upon favorably. And the really fucking shitty thing is that they could have told us this 4 months ago when we first met them. This whole time i thought they were debating the merits of my idea (which they liked a lot) but then decided since our Board wasn't staffed with wealthy donors and instead was made up of volunteer scientists, suddenly we're not worth the risk. I was asking for 1/10 of what they usually fund. It's like someone telling you they love you, you're perfect for them, but you're the wrong religion so you can't be together. Like, wtf, if it's a good idea and you can afford it, why not fund it?

I have terrible terrible luck. That's all.

My death roulette wheel is turning. It will either be cancer, COVID-19, or suicide. And it's going to happen within the next 10 years, whatever it is. I don't predict I will make it past 50. I shouldn't have made it to 40.