Help Got raped by someone I trusted and loved. Feeling really suicidal and in unbearable pain. Would someone talk to me please

[happysunnydayy]

Tw: SA

I'm still in shock and disbelief. I live in such a country with no women rights so ofc the rapist will not have any repercussions :(. I met him on bumble and we met several times and he made me feel safe until one day he took me home and completely changed. It happened a week ago and I feel so FUCKING suicidal and depressed. I was also a virgin and had no experience before. He is a guy who gets women easily and have had gfs and romantic partners before and convinced me he isn't a desperate guy and I can trust him fully. So I don't know why he became so abusive and scary the moment the door was locked. He's 38 I'm in my mid twenties. I felt so disgusting, worthless and unloved. He didn't even use protection I had to take emergency contraceptives all by myself. I've always been suicidal but this one hurts the most like the pain is unbearable. I feel completely DESTROYED mentally and just want to die asap.

I told my friends they tell me it's my fault because why did I go? I can't even tell my family because here any involvement in relationship means I'm asking for it and technically I sat in the car myself so it's consent therefore useless.

Now he's texting me begging for forgiveness and he has "no clue" why he did that. And saying he has daughters of his own and how karma will get to him and shit and please I should forgive him" even sending me pic of him with red crying eyes and how bad he feels and how he's so fearful of god. He wants me to keep on seeing him but this time we'll only have car dates and public dates like restaurants like before so " we will stay in our limits". Also twisting the truth saying we only had a makeout and how I was into it. Saying how his wife loves it and gets even more wilder when they have sex like that.

I don't know how she enjoys it like it was so painful. Physically fighting throwing him off being pushed and pulled being treated like object having fingers shoved inside til it bled. Kissing felt so disgusting too, I then realised how horrible it feels to kiss someone you're not attracted to I thought sex is supposed to be a form of love and start slowly and lovingly but it was just having clothes pulled from you with utmost force the moment the door was locked. Then he had claimed before that he's "good in bed" he didn't even ask if I want to do it he just told me let's go meet his friend at his place then he asked me if we are going to do it so he should buy protection to which I said no we are not doing it so don't buy it.I really thought we were gonna just meet his friend.

Now he's saying he's changed man and will treat me like princess. And do everything I want and buy me everything. We'll have nicer dates in public etc.

My friends and loved ones are just telling me to move on but I can't even get out of bed. I feel utterly lonely and completely hopeless. I just hope that if one day I die he better know he did this to me. He's out there living his best life at 38 and here I'm struggling to even perform basic tasks because of him. I hope he gets old and suffers and dies an agonizing death.

Thanks for reading all that. I would like some support so please message me id be waiting. I'm really sad and need some supportive friends I feel like a tragedy has struck me and I'm going through it all alone.

 

[iamanavalanche]

im so sorry you went through this too. sending you so many hugs and it is not your fault in any capacity. i hope you can find strength and support through this horrific time

 

[happysunnydayy]

im so sorry you went through this too. sending you so many hugs and it is not your fault in any capacity. i hope you can find strength and support through this horrific time

Thanks :( can we talk

 

[Greasyhair]

I don't know what to say that doesn't sound like empty platitude, but reading this churned my stomach. I really hope you manage to recover.

 

[Dot]

Ws nt ur flt - hs actns r hs own

H/ ws also out lookng fr othr womn whle mrried evn b4 th/ rpe

Slf wld wn2 snd thse msgs t/ hs wfe bt undrstnd tht cld pt u in dangr

Whch cntry r u in - perhps slf cn hlp u fnd a professnl rpe crsis charty wh/ r traind in spportng ppl in ur stuatn t/ hlp mange th/ aftr effcts of th/ damge tht h/ hs dne



"The Anti-Rape Crisis Cell (ARCC) in Karachi, established in August 2023, is Pakistan's first facility designed to provide a comprehensive range of services for survivors of sexual violence. Located at the Office of the Police Surgeon near Civil Hospital Karachi, it offers medical-legal examinations, psychological support, forensic sample collection, and legal assistance, all in one place. The cell follows a victim-centric and gender-neutral approach, allowing for walk-ins, referrals, or a response via ambulance for those who call."

Perhps thy cn also hlp or refr u t/ sme propr spport

 

[RW__Asher23]

I am so sorry that happened to you but this is NO Fault of yours. You did nothing wrong Rape is on the one perpetrating the act. There is no excuse. So sorry but know people here care and will read and listen. I can only do so much myself as a MOD but please know this is not your fault. We care about all our members. I know might not seem like it but we do. I am not a counselor but I have been raped in past many years ago. That how I know this is no fault of yours. Again I am sorry this happened. Reach out to the community here. Peace.

Edit: Found this if it helps. an anti-rape crisis center was inaugurated at Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences in Islamab. Jan. 2024. Check this out if you want. I do not know other ones outside of usa.
This is report from American Academy of Forensic Sciences.

First Anti-Rape Crisis Centre Established in Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences

www.aafs.org

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I am here to talk!

I am got SA'd last year by someone I loved…
I also just want to die. If you want, we can talk about it.

I understand you fully tbh <3

 

[BrainSplatter]

Tw: SA

I'm still in shock and disbelief. I live in such a country with no women rights so ofc the rapist will not have any repercussions :(. I met him on bumble and we met several times and he made me feel safe until one day he took me home and completely changed. It happened a week ago and I feel so FUCKING suicidal and depressed. I was also a virgin and had no experience before. He is a guy who gets women easily and have had gfs and romantic partners before and convinced me he isn't a desperate guy and I can trust him fully. So I don't know why he became so abusive and scary the moment the door was locked. He's 38 I'm in my mid twenties. I felt so disgusting, worthless and unloved. He didn't even use protection I had to take emergency contraceptives all by myself. I've always been suicidal but this one hurts the most like the pain is unbearable. I feel completely DESTROYED mentally and just want to die asap.

I told my friends they tell me it's my fault because why did I go? I can't even tell my family because here any involvement in relationship means I'm asking for it and technically I sat in the car myself so it's consent therefore useless.

Now he's texting me begging for forgiveness and he has "no clue" why he did that. And saying he has daughters of his own and how karma will get to him and shit and please I should forgive him" even sending me pic of him with red crying eyes and how bad he feels and how he's so fearful of god. He wants me to keep on seeing him but this time we'll only have car dates and public dates like restaurants like before so " we will stay in our limits". Also twisting the truth saying we only had a makeout and how I was into it. Saying how his wife loves it and gets even more wilder when they have sex like that.

I don't know how she enjoys it like it was so painful. Physically fighting throwing him off being pushed and pulled being treated like object having fingers shoved inside til it bled. Kissing felt so disgusting too, I then realised how horrible it feels to kiss someone you're not attracted to I thought sex is supposed to be a form of love and start slowly and lovingly but it was just having clothes pulled from you with utmost force the moment the door was locked. Then he had claimed before that he's "good in bed" he didn't even ask if I want to do it he just told me let's go meet his friend at his place then he asked me if we are going to do it so he should buy protection to which I said no we are not doing it so don't buy it.I really thought we were gonna just meet his friend.

Now he's saying he's changed man and will treat me like princess. And do everything I want and buy me everything. We'll have nicer dates in public etc.

My friends and loved ones are just telling me to move on but I can't even get out of bed. I feel utterly lonely and completely hopeless. I just hope that if one day I die he better know he did this to me. He's out there living his best life at 38 and here I'm struggling to even perform basic tasks because of him. I hope he gets old and suffers and dies an agonizing death.

Thanks for reading all that. I would like some support so please message me id be waiting. I'm really sad and need some supportive friends I feel like a tragedy has struck me and I'm going through it all alone.

What you're describing sounds like classic narcissistic behavior - the push and pull, love-bombing, twisting the truth, gaslighting and refusing to take responsibility. I'd cut contact immediately! People like us living with BPD or CPTSD are especially vulnerable to manipulation from people like that and when you're having suicidal thoughts or overwhelmed it's much harder to see danger clearly or to protect yourself and none of that is your fault
You said you were a virgin so bleeding can happen the first time because of the hymen tearing. That happened to me but I'd still go checked at a hospital they can offer you some support

 

[NutOrat]

That's horrible, I'm so sorry. Please if you can reach out to some help, authorities, anything. Other people here on SaSu might help/know resources. You can message me whenever you want, but I don't have much to say on the matter, as I'm not a woman and had a very different case of SA. Take care of yourself

I told my friends they tell me it's my fault because why did I go? I can't even tell my family because here any involvement in relationship means I'm asking for it and technically I sat in the car myself so it's consent therefore useless.

That mentality can fuck off. Consent is revocable ALWAYS, at any point. Anyone who will try to tell you otherwise are either abusers or have internalized the abuse. Never listen to that, you're not at fault in any of this.

 

[Cauliflour]

You said you were a virgin so bleeding can happen the first time because of the hymen tearing.

Wait what. Bleeding? Is that supposed to happen?

 

[Enriqué_Worst_Gen Z]

Im new here but also old here.I had a acc before but then I kinda just lost interest in using my phone for anything other then music to remedy the unbearable sadness.I am so sorry that happened to you,u know when I read abt the cruelties in the world I sometimes feel like I hate every breathing thing, everything that exists,im really bad at articulating how I feel so forgive me but lemme get to the point,I had just committed my first(unserious-cry for help)attempt and was in hospital,and the only reason that place wasn't so bad coz of this girl I met there.We would talk when we smoked cigarettes outside and I was there for quite some time so I got to know her a bit her life and all that.We were talking abt death and all that is wrong and she told me what hpnd to her.She was drugged and sa/d and in that moment I didn't know what to say except sorry so I won't
not no what to say this time.I hope u get justice I hope u choose to live to heal.Her name was Fathima..anyways Incase anyone hasn't said it I want u to live,ok.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Normally you should be able to go to the police and press charges but I guess the law doesn't always work as it should .

 

[Macedonian1987]

Call me cruel, but if someone raped me I wouldn't channel all that hurt and anger towards myself. I would do my best to hurt the bastard that raped me and make him suffer. He is the one who deserves to be hurt, not me.

 

[lifecanbecruel!]

This should never happen to a person. We live in a cruel world where you have to be very careful, and even then you can still be hurt! This should not have been your first experience of sex! The way that some men think they can take what they want from a woman sexually is just wrong!

 

[Seneca65AD]

1. Realize you are not at fault in anyway;

2. Reach out to authorities as soon as possible. Most nations - but unfortunately not all - have dedicated units for sexual assault. Those units have dedicated counsellors or in the alternative, will put you in touch with professional counsellors. SaSu can be helpful but this type of trauma will need professional assistance.

3. Depending on jurisdiction, you can report the SA/rape to a medical professional. For example, most large hospitals have doctors and/or nurses trained in sexual assault trauma (evidence preservation, notification of authorities, and they will frequently be with you when dealing with the authorities). They will also take pictures of cuts and bruises.

4. Most countries have SA/rape hotlines - contact them as soon as possible. There are 2 major concerns with SA/rape - the first is treatment of the victim and the 2nd is punishment of the perp. Sometimes if the country is not very equal with respect to women's rights, the focus will have to be on treatment.

5. Do not engage with the rapist. Do not meet with him. Do not meet or speak with anyone who represents the rapist - none of his friends or family. Any social engagement will make it easier for him to argue it was simply a misunderstanding - after all, if it were truly rape, why would you continue to see him. He raped you - full-stop. Save all texts and voice mails.

6. The fact you told your friends is important because it establishes that you discussed rape prior to going to the authorities.

7. Don't wash your clothes - if you did - still put them aside and don't wear them - same with shoes, etc.

8. Although this is a CTB site, the pain and trauma of what you went through is much too fresh to even consider CTB. And previous members have already said why should you pay the price for something that is not your fault.

9. Go back to # 1 - this is not your fault.

 

[BeyondSurvival]

I don't have enough experience to say anything helpful, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Oh - one final comment - these are stats from both Canada specifically and North America in general. I still find these stats shocking for a country which preaches equality - I can only imagine the stats for countries with a poor human rights record.

• 
  
• Of every 100 incidents of sexual assault, only 6 are reported to the police
• 1 - 2% of "date rape" sexual assaults are reported to the police
• 1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime
• 11% of women have physical injury resulting for sexual assault
• Only 2 - 4% of all sexual assaults reported are false reports
• 60% of sexual abuse/assault victims are under the age of 17
• over 80% of sex crime victims are women
• 80% of sexual assault incidents occur in the home
• 17% of girls under 16 have experienced some form of incest
• 83% of disabled women will be sexual assaulted during their lifetime
• 15% of sexual assault victims are boys under 16
• half of all sexual offenders are married or in long term relationships
• 57% of aboriginal women have been sexually abused
• 1/5th of all sexual assaults involve a weapon of some sort
• 80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim

 

[GlassMoon]

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault, and that's not what sex is all about between partners.

Did he admit it via text messages to you? You said your country does not care about these kinds of crimes, but maybe you can still save screenshots in case this changes or you find someone you can trust to help you. Maybe put them into an encrypted folder and then delete the conversation and block him.