Got prescribed antidepressors for the 1st time, any advices or feedback ? (+ am i really depressed or just sad and me being weak makes it unbereable?)

[LetMeSeeTheSun]

I've been starting to feel spiraling down since a week (hard to breathe and weight on the chest, tired, weak, hungry all the time, hopelessness, light headed, suicidal and self harm ideation..) and today i couldn't go out of bed and missed classes.
As i missed university i needed a paper stating i was sick so i don't get into troubles and for the first time i decided to book an appointement with a psychiatrist instead of a regular doctor.
The appointement lasted 15 min at most (it was online) and she redirected me towards some institution so i could get an IRL psychologist and she also prescribed me medication.

She prescribed me Escitalopram 20mg for a month with a daily intake, the thing is it's my first time taking such a treatement and i'm a bit anxious about becoming dependant to it on the long term as i don't think i'm truly depressed or mentally ill but i'm just having a hard time with all the exams happening.
Indeed when i've a good routine and can keep my mind busy i don't feel suicidal, but as soon as i loose my system i feel lost and overwhelmed and all the other bad feelings i described above.
I've came to observe that i mostly function with 'good cycles' and 'bad cycles', when life is good it's good but when it's bad it's bad, almost like there isnt a midpoint ?
it's a bit hard to describe but altough i've to consciously think about way to prevent me from not falling into a bad cycle (so i try to have a routine, journal, shower everyday, eat everyday, not stay indoor for too long,etc..) well if i'm not lazy and don't skip thoses usually i'm not too sad.
So yeah i kinda feel like a spoiled brat because whenever i've a bad episode it's my fault because i'm not doing the thing to prevent me from being sad, but at the same time when i am in a bad episode everything seems so hard to do and altough i've been trying to journal daily it's hard to pinpoint wether it's my lack of action that makes me sad or my sadness that makes me lack momentum to do positive actions.
Furthermore currently the only thing i've to do is go to class and study like one hour a day... i don't understand how i'm not being able to do that while one year ago i was able to work 8hours shift, come back home and study on my own, all of that while being really frugal and not indulging in any pleasure so i could save every cent to be where i am now.

I do have a quite traumatic life from what i've been told with domestic violence, neglecting parents, experiencing homelessness at 18, doing sex work to survive but it feels really distant (kinda like it never happened ?) and my memory are quite foggy on it, but from what i read you can start to only experience the trauma after it happened and when you're safe so i don't know..
I really feel like i became weaker and i feel guilty on how i'm ruining every past efforts i've made, but yet again it's ME ruining my whole life so why the fuck am i not just being an adult and doing the right choices ? like i know what i've to do but i don't to it and then i complain, hence why i dont think i'm depressed but rather lazy and spoiled and i expect everything to fall into place with minimal effort.

Like i really think i'm too lazy to live, the only reason i'm not CTB is because i've to provide for my mom and brothers, which give me a purpose in life, but right now by whining and not getting shit done i'm going against and betraying them in a way.
If i was truly depressed i would only do what gives me a purpose to live, ie providing for my family, so why am i not a academic machine that doesn't indulge in any pleasure and only sleep, study, eat, and repeat ? => this to me is a proof i'm not truly depressed but just sad and spoiled and whenever something slightly inconvenient comes to me as i'm weak the pain i get from this inconvenience goes to the extreme and i've suicidal ideation.

Yesterday i was contemplating calling the suicide hotline so i could speak to someone because of how bad i felt, i woudln't have attempted but i needed someone to talk too.
Yet again this make me think that my feelings are there and that there's a discomptent in my life but isnt it normal and part of what life is meant to be ?
Also for instance also yesterday some acquintances from college talked to me but i feel guilty because i think i trapped them to like me and whenever they talk to me i feel like a fraud, i also tend to slip and say cringy things so there's that. As i didnt really learn to talk to people when i was young i'm affraid that i'll never catch up and forever will be like i am today, ie a weird, sad ,empty person doomed to feel lonely for the rest of her life, i guess that's why i contacted the psychiatrist because i cannot stand to live the way i live today and i truly want to change who am i, i cannot imagine myself continue this life if i continue to have the same behaviors as of today.

Thanks a lot for reading and ESL so sorry for how ankward and dizorganized it sounds (i may have gotten off track ^^') and i hope i do not sound stupid for trying to get medical advices from strangers (it almost sounds like i'm trying to get a diagnosis but maybe it more wise to take an appointement with a shrink and see what they say instead of dumping all of this on a forum, idk ! ) , it's also my first post on the forum altough i've been lurking for a while.
Anyways thanks again and take care !

 

[Dot]

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8

If u r unsre abt takng th/ medcatn wht abt bookng th/ psycholgst & C-ing hw thy cn hlp u 1st - th/ prescrptn wll stll b thre if u wnt

Thre r also dffrnt knds of psycholgst - if u hve trmas thn a decnt therpst lke a psychodynamc therpst or smethng alng thse lnes mght b abl t hlp u procss sme of th/ dffclt emotns

B-ing deprssd ds nt mke u spoild or lzy -- & u r doubtng tht u r deprssd whle describng urslf in lts of neg8tve wys

Medtatn cn also be lookd in2 whch cn hlp u lern 2 identfy emotns tht u r havng whch u mght nt b awre of

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8

Translated for @Dot

====================

Someone might need to translate.

If you're unsure about taking the medication, what about booking the psychologist and seeing how they can help you first? The prescription will still be there if you want it later.

There are also different kinds of psychologists. If you have traumas, then a decent therapist like a psychodynamic therapist or something along those lines might be able to help you process some of the difficult emotions.

Being depressed does not make you spoiled or lazy – and you're doubting that you're depressed while describing yourself in lots of negative ways.

Meditation can also be looked into, which can help you learn to identify emotions that you're having which you might not be aware of.

 

[LetMeSeeTheSun]

Thanks for translating haha.

I think that's indeed wise to wait until the psychologist, i don't know why i felt like i was in such a hurry.
I'll look into the type of therapists thanks ! But as it's a state mandated one (which has the pro to be free) i don't know if i can have the luxury to choose which type i want, i'll have to see ^^.

And altough i'm describring myself in negatives way it's maybe that i just have those traits ? everyone has cons and maybe mine are to be lazy and lacking patience.

Is there a specific type of meditation you would recommand ? I tried a few time but unlike journaling (which i guess is a form of meditation ?) whenever i meditate i cannot seem to have much of an output except : "hey when i think about this bad thing i feel X, Y and Z physical symptoms", but then i struggle to translate the symptoms into actual feelings or actions thay may help me

Also unrelated but thanks a lot for providing a lot of content for the ressources page, it helped me a lot.

And i was wondering what your typing style is for as i cannot access your profile, but this is sheer curiosity ^^

 

[Dot]

Thanks for translating haha.

I think that's indeed wise to wait until the psychologist, i don't know why i felt like i was in such a hurry.
I'll look into the type of therapists thanks ! But as it's a state mandated one (which has the pro to be free) i don't know if i can have the luxury to choose which type i want, i'll have to see ^^.

Np - fingrs crossd u hve 1 tht hlps

And altough i'm describring myself in negatives way it's maybe that i just have those traits ? everyone has cons and maybe mine are to be lazy and lacking patience.

"i feel guilty because i think i trapped them to like me and whenever they talk to me i feel like a fraud"

Is there a specific type of meditation you would recommand ? I tried a few time but unlike journaling (which i guess is a form of meditation ?) whenever i meditate i cannot seem to have much of an output except : "hey when i think about this bad thing i feel X, Y and Z physical symptoms", but then i struggle to translate the symptoms into actual feelings or actions thay may help me

Yh thre r diffrnt typs - thre R visualisng meditatns whre u imagne tht u r on an islnd etc
Thre r also affirmatn meditatns etc
Slf persnl favr8 ws alwys bdy-scns -- thy r jst abt connctng t/ sensry & emotnl prts of ur mnd gntly -- emotns happn in ur bdy s/ connctng t/ bdy tht wy cn hlp

Bdy Scn

Also if lnk = stll actve thre = free guidd medtatn sessns onlne evry wk-dy wth instructrs Free Guidd Medtatn

Thre ws also a medtatn app whch offrs free membrshp fr ppl wh/ apply -- thnk = calld Wakng Up - slf wll chck

Also unrelated but thanks a lot for providing a lot of content for the ressources page, it helped me a lot.

Nce - am gld tht thy r b-ing usd

And i was wondering what your typing style is for as i cannot access your profile, but this is sheer curiosity ^^

Slf hve deep terrr of slf own voic - bth spokn & also innr monolgue s/ changng hw slf typ changs hw wrds R red bck in slf hed

 

[idiotmother]

Medication really screwed me, and many others up. It's the reason I'm here. Check out the site surviving antidepressants, it's about people struggling to come off of psych drugs. I'm obviously not a doctor, but you should know that these drugs can be risky, especially if you try to come off of them. Even when you taper the way the psychiatrist says withdrawal can still occur and it is a nasty beast. You seem to be very hard on yourself. You've gone through more trauma than most people and you must learn to forgive yourself. You are not lazy or spoiled whatsoever; that's your trauma brain talking.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

The antidepressants might have negative side effects.

Brain fog is one that comes to mind.
You probably don't want that with your exams coming up.

 

[uta]

I took escitalopram some years ago and felt absolutely amazing for a while. I think it was its effect on anxiety was life-changing for me. Then I was emotionally abused by a partner and pills have done nothing for me since.

i don't think i'm truly depressed or mentally ill but i'm just having a hard time with all the exams happening.

I do have a quite traumatic life from what i've been told with domestic violence, neglecting parents, experiencing homelessness at 18, doing sex work to survive

There isn't necessarily a strict boundary between between being clinically depressed and struggling to cope with life circumstances. Episodes of major depression are often triggered by current or previous painful or traumatic events and changes in circumstances. The question is whether medication or other treatment will help you, which no one can answer definitively.

I've successfully tapered off of various antidepressants, including escitalopram and even venlafaxine (which is notoriously difficult to go off of). Make sure you taper very slowly and experience minimal withdrawal symptoms. Rapid tapering can cause permanent damage.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think what you need is a break - as you say, you have to provide for your mom and brothers on top of your studies and exam pressure.

Antidepressants probably won't solve the issues if the circumstances that are causing the stress and the anxiety persist. It's best to consult a therapist. You're not forced to take meds you don't wanna take.