Got my SN, don't really know how to feel...

[yellowraincoat225]

I ordered my sn from a sketchy vendor and it also arrived a little late, so I thought I got scammed. I decided to eat the hundreds I spent and just go about my life and try to enjoy the little things. I did mostly enjoy the past few weeks, and at times even forgot about this forum and my sn that I believed would never arrive.

SN was the only viable way for me to ctb, I couldn't afford to try another vendor without raising suspicions, so in my perspective, I had lost my only way out. But I just got it today, and now that it's actually in my hands, I don't feel anything. When I was opening the package, I even hoped, if just a little, that it wasn't the SN. I'm not disappointed that it is legit though, but I'm not excited, and just the idea that I bought a chemical that will literally kill me, and that I could do it tonight, the gravity of what I've done hasn't sunk in yet, and I guess I'm just very confused. I thought that just having it on hand would give me a sense of comfort or peace, but there's nothing.

 

[H0110W]

Hundreds for sn? You did get scammed. Sad!
But anyway it doesn't really matter, since this is your ticket to catch the bus.

 

[pointblank]

Seems like you're not ready to CTB. Take it slow.

 

[yellowraincoat225]

Hundreds for sn? You did get scammed. Sad!
But anyway it doesn't really matter, since this is your ticket to catch the bus.

Well more like 150 lol

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Just having it doesn't have to mean anything right now, a lot can change from day to day. Take it easy, if it hasn't bothered you for a while, it doesn't have to start being a bother today. All the best, hope you find more of the little things to enjoy on this day.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I didn't feel very much either but in part, it's because I wasn't intent on attempting imminently. I think I'd feel differently if I'd fasted and had it mixed in a glass in my hand.

It can be hard to know what to make of it all at times. Like- does this mean I'm sure and ready if I don't feel a whole amount or, is it just that I know I'm not doing it right now?

I think I sort of know what you mean by sort of hoping it wasn't SN. I think initially, I couldn't find it or, it was temporarily unavailable. Not sure. Some hitch and maybe a part of me was relieved. Like the decision had been made for me. I think that's what it is sometimes in life generally with me. I'm pretty sick of making life changing decisions. Sometimes it's a relief when life moves in such a way to make the choice for me. I obviously wasn't actually satisfied with that though because, I did end up getting it.

Thing is though- unless you're a very impulsive person and you're nervous you may do something on impulse, it's just a thing. Like a bit of rope. You've got it. You don't have to use it now. You can just store it.

I think all these sorts of things do challenge us as to what we really feel though. Sometimes, I look at it in the packet to see if I'll feel anything. Only really a sense that I'll likely use it one day maybe.