Discussion Got my rope yesterday. Such a weird feeling.

[Electric1]

The rope I ordered a few days ago arrived yesterday. At the day of it's arrival I was checking its order status all day, excited to bring it in. I got it in my house almost as soon as the delivery guy left, and put it in my basement. Though, the excitement I felt kind of changed. It was more like a dread, but not really like dread at the same time, like knowing you are going to die very soon, not knowing how to feel about it, but feeling excited about it at the same time somehow. It's hard to describe. I was going to CTB last night but figured it would be too soon, I was pretty tired, and that I wanted to stay so I could listen to music another day. Thinking about doing it tonight though. I may abort, but I may not. I wonder if anyone else felt this way when they have the materials for their method.

Also yep, new user. Hi!

 

[dinosavr]

I think I can relate. After I've received my SN I felt a lot less suicidal for about a week or so. I don't know why, maybe it's just too much for our brains. At the end of the day we have to admit, dying is quite a big deal, regardless of circumstances.
I would advise you to wait if you're not sure though. A rope is pretty easy to hide if you're not living alone and it's not gonna expire or anything, so I think you should give yourself some time and space to make sure you want to do it, gain some perspective again. Of course if you feel like doing it tonight, as you seem quite excited, I hope it goes well and that you'll find peace you deserve

 

[Soc]

Yeh, I'm still in a place where I can't CTB. I think I'll feel different emotions when the place I'm moving to is ready and I'm contemplating it. Gonna be then that I make the final choice and decide whether to end it all. Things aren't looking great so I'm feeling more inclined to CTB but it's frustrating when the option isn't immediately there.

 

[Electric1]

I think I can relate. After I've received my SN I felt a lot less suicidal for about a week or so. I don't know why, maybe it's just too much for our brains. At the end of the day we have to admit, dying is quite a big deal, regardless of circumstances.
I would advise you to wait if you're not sure though. A rope is pretty easy to hide if you're not living alone and it's not gonna expire or anything, so I think you should give yourself some time and space to make sure you want to do it, gain some perspective again. Of course if you feel like doing it tonight, as you seem quite excited, I hope it goes well and that you'll find peace you deserve

First I just want to say I appreciate your kind words. So much more impactful than all the other stuff I've been on told on other forums. I got kind of close tonight, I was starting to wrap my rope around the pole in my basement when some part of me just thought "Aw man, I don't wanna do this", and I quit there and put everything up. Before that, I decided to listen to the music I wanted to listen to right before I went through with my act early as It's very nice and peaceful to me and makes me be able to reflect upon times I was happier. I was kinda just sitting down and staring at the wall, getting the most close I've got in the past weeks to crying, but of course decided to just bottle it up again even if I was about to die, just goes to show how much I hate myself I guess. Still processing that experience, still to want to do it, but as you suggested, I will definitely be thinking about this choice.