I got a gun a while back. I got convinced by the girl I like to not do it, and so I stayed. My relationship has been rough with her, but eventually we grew closer as we continued to date despite that.
Over the weekend she got triggered by something I've done on top of what has happened last Monday. I was immensely depressed because of the holidays and I also felt that she was growing distant, but that was apparently all in my head. I gave her the cold shoulder, I felt distant, almost numb. She got fed up that Monday night but she didn't know it was mainly because the holidays absolutely depresses me. The thought of being alone and seeing other families happy and celebrating while I have no one like that. Unfortunately it wasn't enough that she was there because the feeling of loneliness is much stronger. She was supposed to come over that night to make mashed potatoes for the pot luck on Tuesday. She still came, but for a different reason. As I was about to get cleaned up, I noticed she was going through my closet where her clothes are multiple times. Once I came out of the bathroom to check, I noticed she was packing everything. She was leaving me. Got in a long argument that night as I didn't expect her to do such a thing. I tried to explain my situation but even then, it didn't get through to her. Being already depressed and lonely, her deciding to leave me intensified everything as I didn't expect anything like that to happen that night. I assumed she was still going to make the mashed potatoes for work. I pulled my gun case and wave it around. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I already felt lost, hopeless, desperate.
The next day we made up. She made me promise to sell the gun and she'll be there to see. I agreed hesitantly but I'd rather do that than lose her. Things cooled down from there. Our Thanksgiving plan still on schedule and I made sure if she was okay with it and she confirmed.
Had fun that night. We ate food, drank, did karaoke, played some games. She got drunk and got a hang over the next day. I got drunk and got somewhat of a hang over.
Next day we went to Barnes as planned even when she felt like shit. Told her we didn't have to but she assumed I'd complain. Eventually feeling better later in the day, we continued to do stuff together. It wasn't until the next day, Saturday, is when she became more distant. Didn't want to kiss me, wanted me to leave after we celebrated her favorite anime character's birthday. But I felt hurt and became distant myself. From there on, it was just bad and I blame myself for it.
I tried to make it up on Sunday but didn't over stay as she wanted to be left alone. I already was feeling like I was losing her.
While all this happened, I knew something was wrong. Yet I still hoped I could make it up somehow and she just needed time to cool down.
Today she took a day off to hang out with her brother. She usually would tell me if she'd take a day off since we do work together. I called her after work. She sounded fine, but after checking if she was truly fine with me is when she revealed how disconnected she feels and expressed how she is going backwards in our relationship. Proceeded from saying we should take a break, to ending the relationship instead. I tried to be reasonable, but nothing was going through.
We've been together for more than a year. Loneliness is what gets me immensely and before, I never really had anything to use that could kill me instantly. Now that she has ended it again, I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with this again, and again. I have my out and I will take it. I really don't care for people's advice "you'll meet someone better. It's not worth it." It's been like this every, fucking, time and happens every fucking end of the year..
I hate being alone, feeling lonely, not being understood, being judged, not clicking with people. I have no one and I can't deal with these thoughts and feelings anymore. Sure it was at times a toxic situation, yet I tried to make things right. I tried to find what's wrong and fix things. It'd get better, but she also has her problems that she refuses to address. Either way, she literally was the only person I had that I could trust with my feelings and thoughts. The one person who was a whole lot more fucking understanding than anyone I've met. And I had incredible fun with her doing all sorts of stuff we enjoyed doing. I will miss her..
My plan is set already as I've tried to prepare before, but this time I'm skipping my Will. My 401k is set to her as the beneficiary. That's all I really need to do since money is more important for people that are alive. I'm glad my cat has already passed so I don't have to worry about someone caring for him. I envy his current status. I'll join him soon.
This time, I'm not telling her that I'm ending myself nor anyone else. I will say my good byes as vaguely as possible, then I will probably speak to a few people that I care about and that's it.
There's a part in me that does want to talk to someone here somehow without compromising my location. I've imagined a truly private voice chat, but that's too difficult without revealing something that could track me down. I feel lonely and that's why I still feel this way, searching even here for some connection.
I have my gun next to me. Giving me a sense of comfort. It'll happen this week.
Over the weekend she got triggered by something I've done on top of what has happened last Monday. I was immensely depressed because of the holidays and I also felt that she was growing distant, but that was apparently all in my head. I gave her the cold shoulder, I felt distant, almost numb. She got fed up that Monday night but she didn't know it was mainly because the holidays absolutely depresses me. The thought of being alone and seeing other families happy and celebrating while I have no one like that. Unfortunately it wasn't enough that she was there because the feeling of loneliness is much stronger. She was supposed to come over that night to make mashed potatoes for the pot luck on Tuesday. She still came, but for a different reason. As I was about to get cleaned up, I noticed she was going through my closet where her clothes are multiple times. Once I came out of the bathroom to check, I noticed she was packing everything. She was leaving me. Got in a long argument that night as I didn't expect her to do such a thing. I tried to explain my situation but even then, it didn't get through to her. Being already depressed and lonely, her deciding to leave me intensified everything as I didn't expect anything like that to happen that night. I assumed she was still going to make the mashed potatoes for work. I pulled my gun case and wave it around. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I already felt lost, hopeless, desperate.
The next day we made up. She made me promise to sell the gun and she'll be there to see. I agreed hesitantly but I'd rather do that than lose her. Things cooled down from there. Our Thanksgiving plan still on schedule and I made sure if she was okay with it and she confirmed.
Had fun that night. We ate food, drank, did karaoke, played some games. She got drunk and got a hang over the next day. I got drunk and got somewhat of a hang over.
Next day we went to Barnes as planned even when she felt like shit. Told her we didn't have to but she assumed I'd complain. Eventually feeling better later in the day, we continued to do stuff together. It wasn't until the next day, Saturday, is when she became more distant. Didn't want to kiss me, wanted me to leave after we celebrated her favorite anime character's birthday. But I felt hurt and became distant myself. From there on, it was just bad and I blame myself for it.
I tried to make it up on Sunday but didn't over stay as she wanted to be left alone. I already was feeling like I was losing her.
While all this happened, I knew something was wrong. Yet I still hoped I could make it up somehow and she just needed time to cool down.
Today she took a day off to hang out with her brother. She usually would tell me if she'd take a day off since we do work together. I called her after work. She sounded fine, but after checking if she was truly fine with me is when she revealed how disconnected she feels and expressed how she is going backwards in our relationship. Proceeded from saying we should take a break, to ending the relationship instead. I tried to be reasonable, but nothing was going through.
We've been together for more than a year. Loneliness is what gets me immensely and before, I never really had anything to use that could kill me instantly. Now that she has ended it again, I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with this again, and again. I have my out and I will take it. I really don't care for people's advice "you'll meet someone better. It's not worth it." It's been like this every, fucking, time and happens every fucking end of the year..
I hate being alone, feeling lonely, not being understood, being judged, not clicking with people. I have no one and I can't deal with these thoughts and feelings anymore. Sure it was at times a toxic situation, yet I tried to make things right. I tried to find what's wrong and fix things. It'd get better, but she also has her problems that she refuses to address. Either way, she literally was the only person I had that I could trust with my feelings and thoughts. The one person who was a whole lot more fucking understanding than anyone I've met. And I had incredible fun with her doing all sorts of stuff we enjoyed doing. I will miss her..
My plan is set already as I've tried to prepare before, but this time I'm skipping my Will. My 401k is set to her as the beneficiary. That's all I really need to do since money is more important for people that are alive. I'm glad my cat has already passed so I don't have to worry about someone caring for him. I envy his current status. I'll join him soon.
This time, I'm not telling her that I'm ending myself nor anyone else. I will say my good byes as vaguely as possible, then I will probably speak to a few people that I care about and that's it.
There's a part in me that does want to talk to someone here somehow without compromising my location. I've imagined a truly private voice chat, but that's too difficult without revealing something that could track me down. I feel lonely and that's why I still feel this way, searching even here for some connection.
I have my gun next to me. Giving me a sense of comfort. It'll happen this week.
