Pluto
Meowing to go out
- Dec 27, 2020
- 3,875
So I'd had a particularly disastrous day at work and had been fuming internally at my manager over a couple of unrelated issues. A colleague had suddenly gone cold on me and I had convinced myself that the manager had said something to cause it. Last month, I'd also been denied what would have been my first week of annual leave in 2.5 years despite requesting it in the midst of a shaky psychological state. By contrast, I had had a friend tell me about a colleague at another workplace who was given a month off, on full pay, as soon as it was revealed that he was going through mental health struggles.
Anyway, it turns out that my grievances amounted to misunderstandings and miscommunications causing me to demonise the manager's character, though by this time I had virtually reduced him to tears. Unfortunately, coming from a family/school background of bona fide brutalisers gives me a vicious edge in times of rage, in contrast to my polite and generous everyday persona, that tends to shock people when it does come out. I've never had any family support, and in recent years my last pseudo-family friendships eroded to nothing.
So anyway, I have no choice but to take some sort of action. I have made an appointment to initiate a mental health plan. The only question mark pertains to what 'angle' to take. My mental health is bad at so many levels that I could be a PTSD sufferer in need of psychotherapy, a normie who is badly deficient in hope for the future, or a high-functioning neurodivergent whose band-aid coping skills have lost their grip.
I have avoided getting involved with the mainstream mental health system ever since having a psychologist write a cruel and damning report attacking my character and supporting my 'charming' narcissist father when I was a teenager. It is an historic day when I have no choice. On the plus side, it will surely legitimise my CTB plans if it ends up just another disaster.
Anyway, it turns out that my grievances amounted to misunderstandings and miscommunications causing me to demonise the manager's character, though by this time I had virtually reduced him to tears. Unfortunately, coming from a family/school background of bona fide brutalisers gives me a vicious edge in times of rage, in contrast to my polite and generous everyday persona, that tends to shock people when it does come out. I've never had any family support, and in recent years my last pseudo-family friendships eroded to nothing.
So anyway, I have no choice but to take some sort of action. I have made an appointment to initiate a mental health plan. The only question mark pertains to what 'angle' to take. My mental health is bad at so many levels that I could be a PTSD sufferer in need of psychotherapy, a normie who is badly deficient in hope for the future, or a high-functioning neurodivergent whose band-aid coping skills have lost their grip.
I have avoided getting involved with the mainstream mental health system ever since having a psychologist write a cruel and damning report attacking my character and supporting my 'charming' narcissist father when I was a teenager. It is an historic day when I have no choice. On the plus side, it will surely legitimise my CTB plans if it ends up just another disaster.
