prettyclam
Member
- Nov 29, 2024
- 72
I'm on the brink of tears as I'm typing this. I don't get why it's so difficult for non-depressed people to care. Why is it so hard to empathize? Why is it so hard to imagine yourself in the shoes of someone suffering? I really don't get it. Even on this forum, I somewhat care and feel bad for other members (complete strangers mind you) whenever I read y'alls posts. I don't understand why someone I personally know can't do the same.
I feel so unloved by my own girlfriend. I wish she'd at least pretend to care about the real me, not just the fake me who pretends to be normal. I wish she'd hear me out. I wish she'd listen.
Whenever I talk about depression, or any feelings for that matter, I don't want advice. I don't want someone to tell me to go therapy, try medicine, or go on a walk. All I want somebody who will merely listen.
She doesn't do that though, and doesn't want to. She doesn't care about my depression at all. I've tried educating her on mental health hundreds of times. I've literally made like 3 posts on here talking about how she doesn't want to comprehend mental health. I'm starting to think she doesn't believe in it because whenever I bring up my depression, she calls me delusional. She says I'm having outbursts and being dramatic. She treats me like a burden just because I have depression. She acts like I brought it upon myself.
Depression is mainly caused by factors outside of our control, like a poor environment or abuse. Why would anyone willingly want to be depressed and suicidal? I try my best not showing it. I laugh, smile, and act happy. Those efforts are worthless though since she still sees me as this walking ball of negativity. I guess my aura itself screams depression, no matter how hard I try hiding it.
My girlfriend once said she's always here for me. That's just another lie normal people tell depressed people to shut them up. They say that so you can switch topics. Depression makes normal people uncomfortable. They don't want to sympathize with someone "lower" than them. They discard anyone who doesn't fit the norm, like the homeless or disabled.
Of course they still pretend to care, but deep inside they're doing it for brownie points. They want to be a savior without being one. Then when someone depressed actually kills themselves, they act like it was a tragedy nobody could've prevented.
Listening can prevent it. Listening goes a long way. Having friends or family who listen makes a huge difference. It reminds you that you're loved.
But all I get in return is rejection. I don't know why I keep going to my girlfriend for comfort. Maybe it's because, well, she's my girlfriend. Partners are supposed to be the ones you run to. However, I have to hide from her. I have to hide my true feelings. I can't talk about the disease that defines my life. I have wear a mask 24/7.
When the mask cracks, shes the victim. I could vent about a diluted version of my feelings, a version that doesn't include half of the pain depression brings. I could say that I simply don't feel alright today and she'd somehow become the victim instead. I'm the one who has to hug her, comfort her, console her, when I opened my mouth for the purpose of being hugged, comforted, and consoled. If she's not dismissing my depression, then shes acting like the mere mention of it is killing her, almost like I'm an abuser for confessing my emotions.
I don't know that to do anymore. I'm defeated. I don't want to break up, but how will we continue if she keeps denying such a crucial part of me? I can't withstand this beating, these harmful words that only fuel the depression. The responses like,
"You're being dramatic. You're a drama queen. Calm down. You're always sad. You're always depressed. You're always negative. You're always suicidal. Depression is temporary. Depression is a phase. You deserve to be in a mental hospital. You're selfish. You're on borrowed time. Are you ever happy?".
Maybe one day she'll understand. I hope she realizes the harm shes doing. I hope she opens her eyes and realizes that depression is real, not by getting depression herself, but by opening her mind. It's isolating going through this alone. Sorry for the huge vent. My depression is worsening, and the argument I had with her isn't helping.
I feel so unloved by my own girlfriend. I wish she'd at least pretend to care about the real me, not just the fake me who pretends to be normal. I wish she'd hear me out. I wish she'd listen.
Whenever I talk about depression, or any feelings for that matter, I don't want advice. I don't want someone to tell me to go therapy, try medicine, or go on a walk. All I want somebody who will merely listen.
She doesn't do that though, and doesn't want to. She doesn't care about my depression at all. I've tried educating her on mental health hundreds of times. I've literally made like 3 posts on here talking about how she doesn't want to comprehend mental health. I'm starting to think she doesn't believe in it because whenever I bring up my depression, she calls me delusional. She says I'm having outbursts and being dramatic. She treats me like a burden just because I have depression. She acts like I brought it upon myself.
Depression is mainly caused by factors outside of our control, like a poor environment or abuse. Why would anyone willingly want to be depressed and suicidal? I try my best not showing it. I laugh, smile, and act happy. Those efforts are worthless though since she still sees me as this walking ball of negativity. I guess my aura itself screams depression, no matter how hard I try hiding it.
My girlfriend once said she's always here for me. That's just another lie normal people tell depressed people to shut them up. They say that so you can switch topics. Depression makes normal people uncomfortable. They don't want to sympathize with someone "lower" than them. They discard anyone who doesn't fit the norm, like the homeless or disabled.
Of course they still pretend to care, but deep inside they're doing it for brownie points. They want to be a savior without being one. Then when someone depressed actually kills themselves, they act like it was a tragedy nobody could've prevented.
Listening can prevent it. Listening goes a long way. Having friends or family who listen makes a huge difference. It reminds you that you're loved.
But all I get in return is rejection. I don't know why I keep going to my girlfriend for comfort. Maybe it's because, well, she's my girlfriend. Partners are supposed to be the ones you run to. However, I have to hide from her. I have to hide my true feelings. I can't talk about the disease that defines my life. I have wear a mask 24/7.
When the mask cracks, shes the victim. I could vent about a diluted version of my feelings, a version that doesn't include half of the pain depression brings. I could say that I simply don't feel alright today and she'd somehow become the victim instead. I'm the one who has to hug her, comfort her, console her, when I opened my mouth for the purpose of being hugged, comforted, and consoled. If she's not dismissing my depression, then shes acting like the mere mention of it is killing her, almost like I'm an abuser for confessing my emotions.
I don't know that to do anymore. I'm defeated. I don't want to break up, but how will we continue if she keeps denying such a crucial part of me? I can't withstand this beating, these harmful words that only fuel the depression. The responses like,
"You're being dramatic. You're a drama queen. Calm down. You're always sad. You're always depressed. You're always negative. You're always suicidal. Depression is temporary. Depression is a phase. You deserve to be in a mental hospital. You're selfish. You're on borrowed time. Are you ever happy?".
Maybe one day she'll understand. I hope she realizes the harm shes doing. I hope she opens her eyes and realizes that depression is real, not by getting depression herself, but by opening her mind. It's isolating going through this alone. Sorry for the huge vent. My depression is worsening, and the argument I had with her isn't helping.
