Venting Goodbye

[loveable_lamb]

Hey, it was a messy night. I'll continue where I ended last thread. After sitting in my mom's office for a few hours, I took the first train to my dorm. Was super tired and no important decission should be made tired, so I slept a bit. Woke up around two hours ago and nothing really changed. I still feel like ctb is the most peaceful choice now. Wrapped up all my suicide letters, snorted some H for the nerves and used the rest for the shot. I'm still so nervous but that's SI probably. I'll still be online for a little bit calming myself down, but this is my final thread. Lots of love to all of you

 

[Alpenglow]

I'd usually suggest a larger time frame to decide but that's your call, your mood is affected by a bunch of chemicals and they can last through the night. Regardless of what you choose I hope you find peace. And I hope the way too it isnt too uncomfortable ^^'

 

[Lee deadmanwalking]

Please don't....you can get through another day

It's hard as heck i know, I'm with you on thinking bad thoughts, but get through another day. 1 single day at a time. I used to do drugs, but now I haven't had any for 2 months. You can do it, really you can. Please don't do anything bad. Come on mate please, 1 day at a time

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish, whatever your final decision.

 

[sadalways]

I'd say try to sleep it off for a full night if you can. Maybe even more than just one night to make up your mind fully and know if this is what you really want. Regardless of what you decide to do though, i'm sending you hugs and love

 

[loveable_lamb]

I'd usually suggest a larger time frame to decide but that's your call, your mood is affected by a bunch of chemicals and they can last through the night. Regardless of what you choose I hope you find peace. And I hope the way too it isnt too uncomfortable ^^'

I did have a larger time frame. I've been postponing it for around a month now. But my deathwish has been non-stop since October and my suicidal thoughts started 9 years ago. And there were no chemicals in my system during the night. I was sober yesterday, just used a little bit half an hour ago to calm my nerves to help myself push through SI

It's hard as heck i know, I'm with you on thinking bad thoughts, but get through another day. 1 single day at a time. I used to do drugs, but now I haven't had any for 2 months. You can do it, really you can. Please don't do anything bad. Come on mate please, 1 day at a time

Drugs really aren't the problem for me. I only started using last week. I'm not ctb to escape addiction. And I did do the 1 day at a time thing. I feel like I did it for the past 9 years but I can't keep pushing through for other people

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find peace.

But, honestly, I'd not have used some of the H before the actual attempt, imo there's a risk of failure.

 

[loveable_lamb]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find peace.

But, honestly, I'd not have used some of the H before the actual attempt, imo there's a risk of failure.

Why would that contribute to failure?

 

[whywere]

Love and peace to you and always around if anything changes.

Walter

 

[Kalista]

leave well

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[DarkestSoul]

Wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
i just hope that you get the peace you deserve; here there nothing else matters.
You just be happy and at peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[human909]

I hope you find the peace that you've been searching for and good luck.

 

[maniac116]

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

If it worked for you, I'm glad it was a peaceful way

 

[loveable_lamb]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

 

[L'absent]

 

[cme-dme]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

I'm sorry...I suppose on the bright side maybe this means you won't be thrown in the psych ward if they don't think you tried to CTB?

 

[HazelTheGhost]

Hey, it was a messy night. I'll continue where I ended last thread. After sitting in my mom's office for a few hours, I took the first train to my dorm. Was super tired and no important decission should be made tired, so I slept a bit. Woke up around two hours ago and nothing really changed. I still feel like ctb is the most peaceful choice now. Wrapped up all my suicide letters, snorted some H for the nerves and used the rest for the shot. I'm still so nervous but that's SI probably. I'll still be online for a little bit calming myself down, but this is my final thread. Lots of love to all of you

Safe travels & may you find eternal peace

 

[melancholymoonjuice]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

Fuck those guys. Sorry that it didn't work out the way you planned, I am sending you lots of love

 

[loveable_lamb]

I'm sorry...I suppose on the bright side maybe this means you won't be thrown in the psych ward if they don't think you tried to CTB?

oh but they do think i tried to ctb. the staff is just rude on top of that

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Sending love, and strength to deal with the situation you are in now.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I really wish for you to gain the peace the freedom whatever that may be, in whatever you do, if you at any point want to or need to talk to someone if needed I'm here you can talk to me, I'm sorry if I come off a bad way,, even if you don't express that pain immensely here I know things have lead to this decision and I'm going down that way just different method

 

[whywere]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

My heart breaks for you as far as the hospital staff aspect goes.

After my 2nd attempt, I was put in the hospital and the staff treated me as if I was garbage. With that said I was so darn hurt when I read how you are being treated. I was on suicide watch all the time and the 2 weeks that I was stuck there on Sunday's me and one nurse was all the people on my floor as everyone else could go to Sunday services, but not me, no sir, and if I complained all hell would break loose on me.

NO ONE ever deserves to be treated that way ever period.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderfully kind and loving soul.

Walter

 

[tiredash]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

In my case, the hospital staff treated me very rudely too. Years ago I took a lot of pills, not because of trying to commit suicide, but because I just wanted to force sleep and stop the pain for some time. They made me feel very ill and went to the hospital and they were very rude. Once I vomited the stuff, I felt better and waited for hours and just wanted to leave because there are so many people... and the fucking nurse told me harshly "you should have thought better". ok bitch, if i was actually trying to kill myself i would have tried again for sure. thanks bitch.

about your so called friends... im sorry that you are lonely, but if they treat you like that, you should never contact them again.

 

[Higurashi415]

oh but they do think i tried to ctb. the staff is just rude on top of that

disgusting. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. there is poor understanding of drugs in people that dont use them, unfortunately, and poor understanding of mental health in hospitals, which is a bad combination

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

So apparently the H wasn't nearly as pure as the seller made it out to be. Survived the attempt and in the hospital now.
I could not feel worse.
Hospital staff is fucking rude too. They're treating me like some junkie that accidentally overdosed instead of someone who tried to take their life. No empathy whatsoever.
As soon as I get my hands on more H (plenty enough), I'm attempting again

I'm so so sorry you had to go through that. I know how terrible that can be, when you're literally beyond your lowest of lows and no one seems to care or have any empathy.

I've had a similar experience when I was rushed to the ER after failing an attempt. I was wearing a t-shirt with "Miffy is crying" on it which the hospital staff found quite amusing, as I too was fucking bawling my eyes out after failing - nothing about that is fucking funny.

 

[cme-dme]

I wonder if they are in the psych ward now :( hopefully we see them again.

 

[loveable_lamb]

My heart breaks for you as far as the hospital staff aspect goes.

After my 2nd attempt, I was put in the hospital and the staff treated me as if I was garbage. With that said I was so darn hurt when I read how you are being treated. I was on suicide watch all the time and the 2 weeks that I was stuck there on Sunday's me and one nurse was all the people on my floor as everyone else could go to Sunday services, but not me, no sir, and if I complained all hell would break loose on me.

NO ONE ever deserves to be treated that way ever period.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderfully kind and loving soul.

Walter

Hey Walter, once I got to the psychiatric unit the nurses were kinder. They already know me cuz I've been there 2 times before in the last few months. It's just the paramedics, everyone in the ER and observation unit that were horrendous. However I got so panicked cuz I had to be admitted again and the only thing I wanted (and still want) was to be dead that I tried hanging myself in my room with my bandage. Look, hanging myself was never the plan. It's not how I wanna ctb but I just couldn't keep going. Some nurse walked in on me and I was put in solitary. Never underestimate what being stripped of your clothes and being locked in an empty room does to your psyche when you were already panicked. I swear I've never seen myself in that state and I've got an extra trauma to deal with now. Stayed locked up for 2, I don't even remember. And was put in a normal room on suicide watch for 3 more days before being transfered to a therapeutic facility for borderline (this was already planned beforehand).

The current facility is alright. The therapies don't make sense to me, but there's a lot of freedom. You're able to leave the ward everyday between 7h30 and 21h30 on moments when there's no therapy. So I have all the freedom to ctb again. Gonna use those free moments to make money to order the H again - but most importantly, be on my best behavior.

Thanks for the kind words! They do make me hang on in here for a little longer.