Goodbye Post

[JustHere1]

Hey everyone! I'm both terrified and extremely excited to post this thread today.

I'm sure you've seen me around the forum since December. I've been waiting to CTB since April, but discovered this forum while looking for information on pistol CTBing. I didn't even know what CTB meant before this place. I received so much help and support from everyone I spoke to and learned so much about suicide awareness and the resources here are amazing for both looking for understanding, support, recovery, and partnership. I considered getting a partner to CTB with but decided against it as my method is satisfactory and swift.

For those interested, I originally purchased a Jericho 941rs and JHP WIN bullets. I was going to CTB intraorally, roughly 2in deep in the mouth parallel, directed 40-45* upwards at the medulla oblongata.
I practiced for a few days to get over anxiety, as I had never held a gun before and the terror of fucking up and accidentally shooting incorrectly and ending up in pain until I died was so daunting. But I persevered and got to turning off the safety and had the gun loaded in my mouth, finger on the trigger, after hours of practicing loaded with safety on, in and out, checking direction and easing anxiety with each gesture. I ended up backing out before pulling the trigger as my anxiety over angling it incorrectly was high.

I am relieved I did not pull the trigger - I was wrong on the angle accuracy, I had it at 40-45* but it is required to be 10-15* for a more accurate and instantly lethal shot. The anxiety also led to me going towards a purchase of a shotgun - bigger bullet, more energy used when shot, bigger explosion.

What I settled on?

Mossberg Maverick 88 with a pistol grip stock (for ease of holding, strongly recommend to all), and I purchased Heavy Legion Shotgun Shells.

12 Gauge Heavy Legion Shotgun Shell 3x Pack

Everything from Bulk Ammunition, to Exotic Ammunition Specialty Ammunition - from Body Armor to Medical Supplies, we have it all here for you at EMac's Tactical Shop

emacstactical.com

The shells are unique as they are layered - armor-piercing slug, birdshot, and buckshot, absolutely clearing away any concern and indecision of which to go for. I was always stuck between the options of slug/bird/buckshot, but this has all three, and if you're going via 12 gauge, I recommend this one.

The Maverick isn't too expensive and it is a pump-action shotgun. Far easier to manage than the Jericho pistol, which is sitting unloaded, unused, in my closet.

I am finalizing my affairs here, just need to clear up some emails I left behind regarding my will (cremation, no funeral, no memorial), and tidy up a little in my house, and then it's time.

I may check back over the next hour or two but whenever you see me disappear for a few days on my profile, you'll know I've had gone home. I may post before I go or may just log out (and clearing my browsing history so nobody finds the site if they check my computer.)

I'm going to find my home today. Thank you all for supporting me on this journey. I wish you all the best of luck on your own.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Hey everyone! I'm both terrified and extremely excited to post this thread today.

I'm sure you've seen me around the forum since December. I've been waiting to CTB since April, but discovered this forum while looking for information on pistol CTBing. I didn't even know what CTB meant before this place. I received so much help and support from everyone I spoke to and learned so much about suicide awareness and the resources here are amazing for both looking for understanding, support, recovery, and partnership. I considered getting a partner to CTB with but decided against it as my method is satisfactory and swift.

For those interested, I originally purchased a Jericho 941rs and JHP WIN bullets. I was going to CTB intraorally, roughly 2in deep in the mouth parallel, directed 40-45* upwards at the medulla oblongata.
I practiced for a few days to get over anxiety, as I had never held a gun before and the terror of fucking up and accidentally shooting incorrectly and ending up in pain until I died was so daunting. But I persevered and got to turning off the safety and had the gun loaded in my mouth, finger on the trigger, after hours of practicing loaded with safety on, in and out, checking direction and easing anxiety with each gesture. I ended up backing out before pulling the trigger as my anxiety over angling it incorrectly was high.

I am relieved I did not pull the trigger - I was wrong on the angle accuracy, I had it at 40-45* but it is required to be 10-15* for a more accurate and instantly lethal shot. The anxiety also led to me going towards a purchase of a shotgun - bigger bullet, more energy used when shot, bigger explosion.

What I settled on?

Mossberg Maverick 88 with a pistol grip stock (for ease of holding, strongly recommend to all), and I purchased Heavy Legion Shotgun Shells.

12 Gauge Heavy Legion Shotgun Shell 3x Pack

Everything from Bulk Ammunition, to Exotic Ammunition Specialty Ammunition - from Body Armor to Medical Supplies, we have it all here for you at EMac's Tactical Shop

emacstactical.com

The shells are unique as they are layered - armor-piercing slug, birdshot, and buckshot, absolutely clearing away any concern and indecision of which to go for. I was always stuck between the options of slug/bird/buckshot, but this has all three, and if you're going via 12 gauge, I recommend this one.

The Maverick isn't too expensive and it is a pump-action shotgun. Far easier to manage than the Jericho pistol, which is sitting unloaded, unused, in my closet.

I am finalizing my affairs here, just need to clear up some emails I left behind regarding my will (cremation, no funeral, no memorial), and tidy up a little in my house, and then it's time.

I may check back over the next hour or two but whenever you see me disappear for a few days on my profile, you'll know I've had gone home. I may post before I go or may just log out (and clearing my browsing history so nobody finds the site if they check my computer.)

I'm going to find my home today. Thank you all for supporting me on this journey. I wish you all the best of luck on your own.

I wish you peace

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Hope you find peace soon

 

[ma0]

I hope you can find the peace and happiness you're searching for.

 

[Crow_88]

Good luck on your journey to the silent world.

 

[APeacefulPlace]

Hope you find everything you're looking for OP.

 

[loveable_lamb]

Though I've not been on the forum for long, you were a familiar face. Not gonna lie that I did tear up when reading how you practiced putting the loaded gun in your mouth. The amount of willpower that takes truly breaks my heart and only confirms that you are making the right choice for you.

Farewell, I hope your journey will be peaceful and quick. You'll be missed on the forum

 

[goredpet]

sad to see a familiar face go. I'm sorry you've been brought to this point. I hope you can get some peace.

 

[JustHere1]

Though I've not been on the forum for long, you were a familiar face. Not gonna lie that I did tear up when reading how you practiced putting the loaded gun in your mouth. The amount of willpower that takes truly breaks my heart and only confirms that you are making the right choice for you.

Farewell, I hope your journey will be peaceful and quick. You'll be missed on the forum

I really appreciate all the messages I've gotten, but yours strikes a chord. I was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, and even though I have company, the spirits that are here with me, it was still terrifying. There's nothing quite like feeling the reality of finality on your tongue.

I can see how overwhelming it is to wait until the last day, even scheduling would be so hard for me to do. It's so important to give yourself the time and patience to work through the anxiety bit by bit and not to shame yourself for feeling fear or deciding to take a few minutes break at a time, or to decide to try again a different day. It really does get easier with each attempt. I went back and forth practicing dozens of times, breaks in-between to regain myself and reaffirm the angle. It does get easier, but it is always so scary. When I was just about ready to pull the trigger, I started feeling cold from the anticipation and I just remember breathing and remembering that it would be quick and to keep breathing. Focusing on breath and keeping steady. Strength. And when I took it out of my mouth I had shuddering breaths as I regained stability. I may or may not cry when this happens but there is never any shame. I am ready. But it is always scary because it is so final. But I know I'll be okay right after, I have spirits here with me and I will be helped up and ready to go after this. So it's just the last trigger pull that will be the hardest.

You are right - it takes so much strength to go through with this and I support overwhelmingly anyone who goes through with this, you are loved and you are strength itself for overcoming the final obstacle. I hear you as I am to all who have experienced this and I am with you all.

This is the path for me and I am ready to walk it. I am ready to find my flight and enter the storm.

Thank you so much for your words. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for, I wish you the best.

 

[goredpet]

thinking about you. are you still here?

 

[JustHere1]

thinking about you. are you still here?

Hi! I just popped back on to check back - I just finished writing out my last messages and setting up stuff for authorities to read in front of my bathroom. Everything else is settled and I've taken 3 Aspirin 325mg an hour ago, and taking another 2 now (blood thinners for extra security - not overdoing quantity in case I need extra time to settle myself). I also took x1 ondansetron for anti-nausea and x3 buspirone as I am feeling a little sick from anxiety. But taking the time to tidy and do the extra things beforehand does help, and it takes my mind off things. The gun itself isn't scary so that helps. :)

I am about to get started with practicing and working through anxiety with the shotgun and working with the angles. The biggest contender is the illness I am feeling, I am hoping it eases up because I am experiencing a lot of fatigue and weakness in my body which makes it troublesome for practicing.

 

[Broken247]

Hope you find peace.

 

[human909]

I wish you good luck and hope you find peace.

 

[goredpet]

Hi! I just popped back on to check back - I just finished writing out my last messages and setting up stuff for authorities to read in front of my bathroom. Everything else is settled and I've taken 3 Aspirin 325mg an hour ago, and taking another 2 now (blood thinners for extra security - not overdoing quantity in case I need extra time to settle myself). I also took x1 ondansetron for anti-nausea and x3 buspirone as I am feeling a little sick from anxiety. But taking the time to tidy and do the extra things beforehand does help, and it takes my mind off things. The gun itself isn't scary so that helps. :)

I am about to get started with practicing and working through anxiety with the shotgun and working with the angles. The biggest contender is the illness I am feeling, I am hoping it eases up because I am experiencing a lot of fatigue and weakness in my body which makes it troublesome for practicing.

I see. it seems this all has been well thought out. I hope everything works out the best it can for you. that's kind of you to think about how the people who would find you would feel. I'm sorry you feel sick in what may be your last moments. I wish we had better options. I appreciate your posts and what you've done for this forum.

 

[bananaolympus]

Hope whatever is on the other side gives you peace

 

[JustHere1]

Officially prepping to head out now. This is probably the last you will all hear of me. Take care everyone <3

 

[bigbang33]

May you have a peaceful transition. I'm sorry you're in this position. I wish you eternal comfort

If you decide to change your mind, I'd be happy to hear from you

 

[goredpet]

Officially prepping to head out now. This is probably the last you will all hear of me. Take care everyone <3

take care. i hope you can find peace. if you happen to come back, ill be watching for a post from you

 

[newstart2000]

Hope you find your peace and freedom

 

[Kyotospade]

Hey everyone! I'm both terrified and extremely excited to post this thread today.

I'm sure you've seen me around the forum since December. I've been waiting to CTB since April, but discovered this forum while looking for information on pistol CTBing. I didn't even know what CTB meant before this place. I received so much help and support from everyone I spoke to and learned so much about suicide awareness and the resources here are amazing for both looking for understanding, support, recovery, and partnership. I considered getting a partner to CTB with but decided against it as my method is satisfactory and swift.

For those interested, I originally purchased a Jericho 941rs and JHP WIN bullets. I was going to CTB intraorally, roughly 2in deep in the mouth parallel, directed 40-45* upwards at the medulla oblongata.
I practiced for a few days to get over anxiety, as I had never held a gun before and the terror of fucking up and accidentally shooting incorrectly and ending up in pain until I died was so daunting. But I persevered and got to turning off the safety and had the gun loaded in my mouth, finger on the trigger, after hours of practicing loaded with safety on, in and out, checking direction and easing anxiety with each gesture. I ended up backing out before pulling the trigger as my anxiety over angling it incorrectly was high.

I am relieved I did not pull the trigger - I was wrong on the angle accuracy, I had it at 40-45* but it is required to be 10-15* for a more accurate and instantly lethal shot. The anxiety also led to me going towards a purchase of a shotgun - bigger bullet, more energy used when shot, bigger explosion.

What I settled on?

Mossberg Maverick 88 with a pistol grip stock (for ease of holding, strongly recommend to all), and I purchased Heavy Legion Shotgun Shells.

12 Gauge Heavy Legion Shotgun Shell 3x Pack

Everything from Bulk Ammunition, to Exotic Ammunition Specialty Ammunition - from Body Armor to Medical Supplies, we have it all here for you at EMac's Tactical Shop

emacstactical.com

The shells are unique as they are layered - armor-piercing slug, birdshot, and buckshot, absolutely clearing away any concern and indecision of which to go for. I was always stuck between the options of slug/bird/buckshot, but this has all three, and if you're going via 12 gauge, I recommend this one.

The Maverick isn't too expensive and it is a pump-action shotgun. Far easier to manage than the Jericho pistol, which is sitting unloaded, unused, in my closet.

I am finalizing my affairs here, just need to clear up some emails I left behind regarding my will (cremation, no funeral, no memorial), and tidy up a little in my house, and then it's time.

I may check back over the next hour or two but whenever you see me disappear for a few days on my profile, you'll know I've had gone home. I may post before I go or may just log out (and clearing my browsing history so nobody finds the site if they check my computer.)

I'm going to find my home today. Thank you all for supporting me on this journey. I wish you all the best of luck on your own.

Find peace hun , find peace

 

[JustHere1]

Since I wrote the reply I've been practicing firing unloaded into my mouth (after doing this a few times into the floor), which I have succeeded in doing a handful of times after some apprehension. I have been aligning the gun for the time while resting in the drawer of my bathroom counter to prevent recoil for when I fire truly, it's pretty much the perfect height to use while sitting on the chair I have. I put tape and paper towel on it to measure the distance since I am not able to look horizontally at the mirror, just in front of it.

My anxiety is strictly regarding perfecting the angle, and then huge anxiety with loading the gun and firing. But I'm about halfway there. Had to take a break to rest. I am definitely feeling more anxious than when I was attempting with my pistol, but it is fluctuating so I am giving myself as much grace as I can.

It is very easy to fire with this style of gun and it is easy to pump it, doesn't require much effort. The only downside is it does carry a good weight, but if it's resting and braced it's little weight at all. I did bust my lip a little bit when I smacked into the front of it on accident but it's not so bad and helps distract a little.

Wanted to write the experience I am going through to assist others with this method and also to provide an update. Hopefully the last one though! :)

EDIT: Forgot to add - Awareness of mortality (SI) is at a high right now when I focus angling and holding the shotgun in my mouth. A cold sucking feeling in my body, like drinking a slushie but instead of the sensation in your stomach, it's full-bodied. I feel a little bit blood-rushed as well. I am not so anxious but my body is aware, which I find interesting to experience but daunting.

 

[parasite_eve]

Since I wrote the reply I've been practicing firing unloaded into my mouth (after doing this a few times into the floor), which I have succeeded in doing a handful of times after some apprehension. I have been aligning the gun for the time while resting in the drawer of my bathroom counter to prevent recoil for when I fire truly, it's pretty much the perfect height to use while sitting on the chair I have. I put tape and paper towel on it to measure the distance since I am not able to look horizontally at the mirror, just in front of it.

My anxiety is strictly regarding perfecting the angle, and then huge anxiety with loading the gun and firing. But I'm about halfway there. Had to take a break to rest. I am definitely feeling more anxious than when I was attempting with my pistol, but it is fluctuating so I am giving myself as much grace as I can.

It is very easy to fire with this style of gun and it is easy to pump it, doesn't require much effort. The only downside is it does carry a good weight, but if it's resting and braced it's little weight at all. I did bust my lip a little bit when I smacked into the front of it on accident but it's not so bad and helps distract a little.

Wanted to write the experience I am going through to assist others with this method and also to provide an update. Hopefully the last one though! :)

Cannot imagine the strength and profundity of what you're experiencing, but want to say thank you for sharing your experiences with others in the community. Peace and love, whatever you decide <3

 

[goredpet]

Since I wrote the reply I've been practicing firing unloaded into my mouth (after doing this a few times into the floor), which I have succeeded in doing a handful of times after some apprehension. I have been aligning the gun for the time while resting in the drawer of my bathroom counter to prevent recoil for when I fire truly, it's pretty much the perfect height to use while sitting on the chair I have. I put tape and paper towel on it to measure the distance since I am not able to look horizontally at the mirror, just in front of it.

My anxiety is strictly regarding perfecting the angle, and then huge anxiety with loading the gun and firing. But I'm about halfway there. Had to take a break to rest. I am definitely feeling more anxious than when I was attempting with my pistol, but it is fluctuating so I am giving myself as much grace as I can.

It is very easy to fire with this style of gun and it is easy to pump it, doesn't require much effort. The only downside is it does carry a good weight, but if it's resting and braced it's little weight at all. I did bust my lip a little bit when I smacked into the front of it on accident but it's not so bad and helps distract a little.

Wanted to write the experience I am going through to assist others with this method and also to provide an update. Hopefully the last one though! :)

EDIT: Forgot to add - Awareness of mortality (SI) is at a high right now when I focus angling and holding the shotgun in my mouth. A cold sucking feeling in my body, like drinking a slushie but instead of the sensation in your stomach, it's full-bodied. I feel a little bit blood-rushed as well. I am not so anxious but my body is aware, which I find interesting to experience but daunting.

this is a very interesting read. appreciate you coming back to update at a time like this. you're braver than i am. whatever you decide to do, i hope you can be happy. haven't stopped thinking about you all day

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Hi, I caught you at the right moment, as I didn't see your post until today. I want to say it is scary... Take deep breaths... Remember your loved ones, remember your loving memories, remember you... remember and don't think about the gun, just think about you, your thoughts, your emotions, and set everything back on your goal when you are ready, but it's okay to not pull it tonight if you need to. Instead, just think about the thoughts outside of this, as peace is within all of us, despite it being a realistic factor and portrayal of need in a space we feel safe. This is something so new to you... death usually is, and ctbing is the most hardest decision one makes when it all comes down to the odds of life and existing itself... I just say before you do anything, listen to a song the last time, remember you... remember feeling all the happiness and joys you felt or whichever you choose that vitally matters, as nothing is more scary than being met to face death when you least expect it and when it is so scary... do relax your nerves, just breathe, calm down, and find your peace before you head back, and if you don't wish to tonight, again... continue prepping yourself, but I am so glad I got to see you before I said goodbye, as I felt I was too late in not knowing you first, and equally, because your previous message felt like you were nervous and wanted to make sure you were okay before you pulled the trigger, and hope that you don't survive with any long lasting injuries that would make your sense of wellbeing much harder.

Ah, sorry if this is a weird thing to share... forgive me if I came off rude. Truly, forgive me... I just hoped to relieve your nerves and give you sometime to destress and de-esculate from the situation a bit (especially when you shared your anxiety twice) if it comes off off-putting or too controlling. Truly, forgive me T^T

Since I wrote the reply I've been practicing firing unloaded into my mouth (after doing this a few times into the floor), which I have succeeded in doing a handful of times after some apprehension. I have been aligning the gun for the time while resting in the drawer of my bathroom counter to prevent recoil for when I fire truly, it's pretty much the perfect height to use while sitting on the chair I have. I put tape and paper towel on it to measure the distance since I am not able to look horizontally at the mirror, just in front of it.

My anxiety is strictly regarding perfecting the angle, and then huge anxiety with loading the gun and firing. But I'm about halfway there. Had to take a break to rest. I am definitely feeling more anxious than when I was attempting with my pistol, but it is fluctuating so I am giving myself as much grace as I can.

It is very easy to fire with this style of gun and it is easy to pump it, doesn't require much effort. The only downside is it does carry a good weight, but if it's resting and braced it's little weight at all. I did bust my lip a little bit when I smacked into the front of it on accident but it's not so bad and helps distract a little.

Wanted to write the experience I am going through to assist others with this method and also to provide an update. Hopefully the last one though! :)

EDIT: Forgot to add - Awareness of mortality (SI) is at a high right now when I focus angling and holding the shotgun in my mouth. A cold sucking feeling in my body, like drinking a slushie but instead of the sensation in your stomach, it's full-bodied. I feel a little bit blood-rushed as well. I am not so anxious but my body is aware, which I find interesting to experience but daunting.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

It's been a while so I'm guessing you pulled it off. I've been seeing your posts in the little bit of time that I've been here and they are all written so well. You truly were ready. I hope all the fear, pain, anxiety, all of it is gone now. I pray those spirits took care of you jn your final moments and led you to whatever you desired. Some people are just too good for this world anyways.

Have fun wherever you are mate.

 

[Gangrel]

I hope you are okay, sending lots of love mate.