goodbye everyone

[nails]

i planned on silently disappearing. i didn't make any posts for my former attempts. tbf, i disabled my account before my second attempt—but still, i had no plans on making a post. i said goodbye to my friends right before my first attempt, but i regret that now.
i don't really have anyone that will miss me and i doubt anyone will really notice that i'm gone; there's one person i might say goodbye to. i just don't want to ghost anyone because i know how much that can hurt someone. i've ghosted people in the past due to paranoia, shame, and other stupid emotions; i want to make sure that i don't do it again.

idek why i'm making a post, it feels redundant. i'm not really connected to anyone here and i haven't really made an impact. i just want to get my thoughts out, i guess. maybe someone can relate to the things i say. anyways...

currently, i don't feel anything in particular towards dying. idk how i'll feel in the moment, but i can't really bring myself to feel anything right now. i don't feel particularly stressed or even happy about it, i just see it as a task that i need to finish, like brushing my teeth or something. there are occasional moments when i feel sad about it, but that's all. i'm just sad that i don't really have a better option. i wish i could change everything about my life and brain and live peacefully, but i'm too far gone and i was doomed from the start. nothing in my life has gone right, and it's my fault. my attempts at changing things for the better have consistently resulted in my life getting worse, i'm just cooked.

there are a few things i'm upset about. i really wanted to die somewhat happy, with a life that i was kind of okay with. i had that during my first attempt, but i lost all of it.
i hate that i haven't done anything. sure, i'm a teenager who had a whole lifetime of experiences ahead of me or whatever, but i doubt i would've gained any cool experiences in the future. plus, literally everyone my age has already had so many experiences, i've spent most of my life in my room. i have no one to do anything with, i can't do anything by myself because it feels awful now.
i hate that i'm dying lonely and miserable, i'll have to live that existence until i end it. i'm so ashamed of my existence, i hate everything about myself and the life i hardly even lived. that's what makes me the saddest. i'll die knowing i'm worthless in every regard, i've made no impact on anyone, i haven't done anything, no one will miss me or even think of me, my existence was a complete waste. i get that it doesn't matter, i'll be dead, i won't matter then; but it still makes me really sad.

life is just too unbearable now. i really wanted to tough it out and move forward, try things out and see if they would help, but the odds keep stacking against me and i fail to see the point. i had cool plans, i made them reasonable, but they just won't work. it will either take too long, or it just won't happen at all. i'd rather just die, living is too hard and i can't really wait for things to happen anymore. loneliness is draining me in the worst way, i'm deteriorating drasrically. i feel like shit all of the time. my ears are constantly ringing, i feel nauseated all of the time, constant migraines and exhaustion, of course. i can't eat or sleep properly. i can never think straight, it feels like my mind is on overdrive and it feels like i can't do anything properly anymore. my brain is like those videos of people putting rubber bands around watermelons or a balloon being pumped with too much air, there's just so much flooding my head and i have no way to relieve it; i wouldn't be surprised if i genuinely exploded into a million pieces or something. jokes aside, this is just so exhausting.
nothing really helps anymore. i can't do anything with all these thoughts and i can't handle it. diaries don't help, i need someone to speak to. posting here doesn't help anymore. i vent, get my thoughts out, but it feels like i didn't do anything. i need the actual connection that you get from having a conversation with someone you trust. i've tried to make new connections since losing all my friends, but it doesn't go well. i can't connect with anyone new anymore, i think i used up the small amount of charm i had with my last friendships, or maybe it dipped when i got too depressed. idk. i'm too paranoid these days as well, i think i'm actually losing it.

i think i want to say more, but i can't think anymore. i'm not even sure if this post was coherent at all.
it's all just so pathetic, i keep on taking the same punches to the head over and over, idk what to do other than die.

i didn't mention it in this post, i'm going to ctb using sn. i have everything i need, and i think i've planned everything pretty well and now i just need to wait a little longer. i'm still terrified of failing, but there's not much i can do about that. idk what i'll do if i fail, i can't even think about it.
who knows what could happen, maybe i'll get a free lobotomy within the next few weeks and this will all mean nothing. maybe something amazing will happen, i'll meet someone, then choose to live for a few more weeks, give or take. it's fun to think about the possible miracles that could occur and somehow push me to live longer, but then i get sad when i remember reality. i'll try to stop thinking about it.

i think i'll lurk for another day and then actually dip for good. i guess that makes this clickbait, idk, i feel so rude and i can't stop thinking about stupid things.

goodbye, i hope you all find peace

 

[gomer1978]

I hope you don't. You seem like a decent human. Not many of those about. Keep fighting for a better life. It'll come.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

I am sorry for what you have been thru that has lead to this.

I wish you peace in your journey wherever it may lead and an end to your suffering.

 

[Dark Mood]

Best wishes for your journey

 

[LastNite]

I hope you find what youre looking for. Im sorry life has been so terrible for you. If you feel one bit of hope then chase it. There's no law or anything forcing you. Be free and choose what you feel is right for you. Backing out doesnt mean you're a coward, it just means you saw something and you chased it. Everyone who suffers like you deserves better in life

 

[Pale_Rider]

I'll notice you're not here nails.

I get the plans thing. For me the world loves to shoot them down.

 

[ABadPerson]

i'm not saying you should or shouldn't as that choice is up to you, just know there is no shame in backing out. you've dealt with too much for anyone to ever really tell you to just 'live on' when it all seems so meaningless, and in such a loop it seems like there is only one exit but you certainly do matter in how you think and exist, each attempt of escaping this miserable hell genuinely did matter as it's you who was desperately finding any means on living how you wanted at least before you died.

life, especially with all the loneliness and stress it brings, just isn't worth it for the sake of it but you are. i can't guarantee crap because there's no guarantee in any of this but if you just want the slightest bit of light you are allowed to reach it again, or not at all, even despite everything else pushing you away from it as all that matters is you; maybe the future does get better, maybe it doesn't, but value yourself more.

i want to say i've read a lot of your posts over the course of the time i spent on this site and related to all of them so much, i saw you, so maybe someone else can as well in the way you want despite how fruitless it seems now. i wish you peace in whatever choice you pick.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I've seen many of your threads here before, and I've always found you relatable. I'll notice when you go, and I'll care. I don't say this to try and make you feel guilty for wanting to leave, I just hope it brings you some sort of comfort or makes you feel seen. You aren't alone in these thoughts.

Know that SI is natural; don't beat yourself up. There will be tomorrow; this decision doesn't have to be rushed.

I hope that everything works out for you and that those miracles you dream about happen; you deserve better than the life you are currently living. As always, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

If you're serious, then I wish you the peace you deserve. I'm not far behind you.

 

[EternalShore]

I really wish that things could've gone better for you~ :( It really sucks so much to feel everything falling apart and be unable to do a single thing about it~ >_< I can certainly understand your struggles with making friends~ :( I lost all mine too, and it's so hard! D: I have no idea why or how to gain new ones either~ >_< it sucks so much! :( I hope you find the miracles you're looking for~ life is so tough and cruel~ :( I wish things could get better for you again~ Remember your dreams should they be possible and what you truly care about~ in the meantime, see ya, I wish you the best, and I'll pray for you~ :)

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I totally understand you're exhausted and don't feel like doing anything anymore. I'm really sorry your life has driven you to this point. You've already done your best. Whatever decision you take I hope you find your peace

 

[darksouls]

however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from suffering