R
rizleechboy
Member
- Oct 13, 2023
- 55
A common thing that sometimes occurs with me is that good things always end up make me feel horrible. Not sure why. They fill me with dread and guilt and I always feel like I definitely do not deserve it. I got my art into an student exhibition and all it did was give me a panic attack. What's the point of me having great luck all of the time for me to never feel happy about it? Why should good things happen to me if i can't even feel good about them?
Today my dad agreed to travel 6 hours to NYC with me on the off chance that I might get extra tickets to a sold out show. When they announced the show in NYC, it sold out in about 30 min. But now the venue has said they will offer extra tickets day of. This is a good thing. I have been obsessed with these comedians for 2 years, I've at least spent 300 hours making fanart for them, I've seen their stuff 5 times over. It is a good thing. This means so much to me.
As soon as my dad agreed I had to leave to the bathroom to start sobbing and hyperventilating. I feel horrible about the whole thing. He's missing work, I'm missing a full 2 days of my uni classes, and the whole thing is costing a lot of money. And I couldn't even feel good or excited. I think maybe it's just because it's not preplanned, that it's left up to chance. But I don't know. It feels so stupid. I don't think I deserve any of it. I think I will get there and not even get the tickets and have a full breakdown right there in public. Pathetic. Or I'll get in but feel like I'm not meant to be there at all. Like I've stolen something.
I don't know. I think I just wish I could feel happy about things that should make me happy. I always feel ashamed and guilty. All of the time. Good things happening to me just makes it more obvious that I'm definitely supposed to be dead.
Today my dad agreed to travel 6 hours to NYC with me on the off chance that I might get extra tickets to a sold out show. When they announced the show in NYC, it sold out in about 30 min. But now the venue has said they will offer extra tickets day of. This is a good thing. I have been obsessed with these comedians for 2 years, I've at least spent 300 hours making fanart for them, I've seen their stuff 5 times over. It is a good thing. This means so much to me.
As soon as my dad agreed I had to leave to the bathroom to start sobbing and hyperventilating. I feel horrible about the whole thing. He's missing work, I'm missing a full 2 days of my uni classes, and the whole thing is costing a lot of money. And I couldn't even feel good or excited. I think maybe it's just because it's not preplanned, that it's left up to chance. But I don't know. It feels so stupid. I don't think I deserve any of it. I think I will get there and not even get the tickets and have a full breakdown right there in public. Pathetic. Or I'll get in but feel like I'm not meant to be there at all. Like I've stolen something.
I don't know. I think I just wish I could feel happy about things that should make me happy. I always feel ashamed and guilty. All of the time. Good things happening to me just makes it more obvious that I'm definitely supposed to be dead.