Good news today

[Kyrok]

I had some very good news today. At the same time, it took away an excuse to ctb.

Injustice is a big trigger for me and an injustice in my life just got resolved. I was waiting to hear the news, expecting the worst, and emailing someone from Armslist to buy his shotgun.

We worked out a trade for one of my pistols and were going to meet this evening. Then, tomorrow to the bank to make financial arrangements for the wife.

Then got the "good" news. But it really just means I'm all the more stuck having to torture myself physically and mentally with this job. 4 yrs to retirement but I'm so fucking tired. I so want out.

If only the news was bad, I'd have my excuse.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi there @Kyrok it sounds like a mixed blessing and I can only imagine you must feel a confusion of disappointment and fatigue and maybe a touch of relief at the good news - all combined together. Not a comfortable mind space to be in I'm sure.

I hope you have some time to be able to gather your thoughts together, to be able to find some positives - after all, if you have to be here you need to be living and not existing. The no man's land of just existing is soul destroying. Hopefully some Spring weather will arrive and outside pursuits will help? Also, you will be able to be a force for good helping your friend's daughter.

This forum will benefit from your wise words for longer and your wife will have you by her side. And we have @TiredHorse to help keep this herd in shape.

Wishing you all good things for the next few years xxxx

 

[TiredHorse]

Injustice --wow. Yes, the impotent rage and frustration of injustice can be paralysing to me. You have my sympathy. And as a counterpoint, please hear my jubilation that you have had some justice restored to you. Sometimes the scales do swing level, and I am very, very pleased that they have done so for you...

...Even if the event has prolonged your existence.

I can't find it in my heart to regret your waning excuses to ctb. I just can't. Your words are too welcome, both here and in the arena of your real life as well. But I know the crushing exhaustion you speak of, and for that, I am sorry. I hope you can find some relief here, where you can be certain that you are appreciated.

For whatever it's worth, know that you have sympathetic company in the onward trudge.

 

[Kyrok]

@JustAboutDone and @TiredHorse, thank you both so much for your thoughtful comments.

During the days leading up to my "good" news, I was in a lot of emotional pain. I'm sure many here know what I mean: not just an emotional state but a deep pain in my chest, like a black hole inside me.

That intense pain has dissipated (for now), and I'm back to just feeling burned out.

 

[TiredHorse]

During the days leading up to my "good" news, I was in a lot of emotional pain. I'm sure many here know what I mean: not just an emotional state but a deep pain in my chest, like a black hole inside me.

That intense pain has dissipated (for now), and I'm back to just feeling burned out.

I know all too well both the pain you describe and the subsequent exhaustion. A thermonuclear agony burning you down to a radioactive cinder. Take some time to rest, if you can. Catch your breath. Be gentle with yourself. Whether you continue toward the bus stop, or find yourself on the same slog toward life as I'm now on, you'll need to take care of yourself and recover your strength.

 

[Kyrok]

I know all too well both the pain you describe and the subsequent exhaustion. A thermonuclear agony burning you down to a radioactive cinder. Take some time to rest, if you can. Catch your breath. Be gentle with yourself. Whether you continue toward the bus stop, or find yourself on the same slog toward life as I'm now on, you'll need to take care of yourself and recover your strength.

Good advice. I took it easy this weekend, but when not deeply suicidal, I feel guilty when not working hard. I'm hugely behind in my work commitments due to depression over the past year, particularly a book I've barely started but is due in July.

 

[TiredHorse]

Good advice. I took it easy this weekend, but when not deeply suicidal, I feel guilty when not working hard. I'm hugely behind in my work commitments due to depression over the past year, particularly a book I've barely started but is due in July.

I'm glad you could get a little rest --but I hear you about the guilt. I've been poking at my book for the last few days, trying to bull through the writer's block, but it's like trying to push a chain. Still, if you can, go easy as much as possible. As the saying goes, sometimes you need to pause and sharpen your axe.

 

[21Neberg]

I had some very good news today. At the same time, it took away an excuse to ctb.

I'm currently facing the same dillema. We both know we want to die, but that wish is lessened when good things happen. I had one nice thing happen today, and I've come to the conclusion that I will not force myself to CTB. If things truly start looking up for me, I'm going to give life another chance. But knowing my life, my next failure is right around the corner and the strong urges to CTB will most likely return.

 

[Kyrok]

I'm currently facing the same dillema. We both know we want to die, but that wish is lessened when good things happen. I had one nice thing happen today, and I've come to the conclusion that I will not force myself to CTB. If things truly start looking up for me, I'm going to give life another chance. But knowing my life, my next failure is right around the corner and the strong urges to CTB will most likely return.

My mood shifts up and down, and while I usually feel like I'll inevitably get to a cliff and ctb, on good days it feels farther off. I have my days where I wish for that final blow. On other days, I'm praying life somehow gets better and I can push through.