B
barkbark
…
- Jan 22, 2024
- 65
decided i'm just gonna bite the bullet (haha) and get ready to ctb. i'm gonna stick around for a few weeks to see if i can get on a music label just for the hell of it but if i don't (or maybe even if i do) i'm gonna ctb.
for context i've been living with severe depression for my entire life, so this has really just been a long time coming. i've also got issues with trauma and some dysphoria but frankly it's too much to get into here. i'll save it for a goodbye thread or something.
anyway i am going to be looking around for SN sources that are more loose with if they need a business or not, but frankly its so damn hard to find one that i don't even know if i should bother.
i've tried partial hanging but i can never get it to work, and firearm is more consistently lethal and harder to resuscitate even if it's scarier, so i think i'm just gonna go for that. i wish i could go with SN or N even if it's less likely to kill me because it's a lot less violent and at least i would have the ability to back out if i had last second regrets, but thanks to the afsp and those like it, i guess i'm just forced to fully commit all at once and kill myself with more certainty. thanks suicide prevention orgs, you really are saving lives. you have my blood on your hands but enough bitterness and frustration.
i'm planning for it to be the first day i'm home alone in march. that way i have time to see if my label submission goes through and so i don't traumatize anyone any more than i have to with the sound of the gunshot and am less likely to be "saved" in critical condition instead of passing. unfortunately i don't have access to the recommended types of firearm (i only can manage to steal a rifle or handgun from a family members safe) so i will be risking a bit more and i don't have much experience with firearms so i might fail to kill myself with the shot initially but either way it's still likely to kill me.
edit/update: i spent an hour or so looking for potential sources for sn and decided it really isn't worth the hassle. can't afford a wellness check right now and scrolling through weird and sketchy looking websites has gone nowhere so. fuck it. rifle it is!
for context i've been living with severe depression for my entire life, so this has really just been a long time coming. i've also got issues with trauma and some dysphoria but frankly it's too much to get into here. i'll save it for a goodbye thread or something.
anyway i am going to be looking around for SN sources that are more loose with if they need a business or not, but frankly its so damn hard to find one that i don't even know if i should bother.
i've tried partial hanging but i can never get it to work, and firearm is more consistently lethal and harder to resuscitate even if it's scarier, so i think i'm just gonna go for that. i wish i could go with SN or N even if it's less likely to kill me because it's a lot less violent and at least i would have the ability to back out if i had last second regrets, but thanks to the afsp and those like it, i guess i'm just forced to fully commit all at once and kill myself with more certainty. thanks suicide prevention orgs, you really are saving lives. you have my blood on your hands but enough bitterness and frustration.
i'm planning for it to be the first day i'm home alone in march. that way i have time to see if my label submission goes through and so i don't traumatize anyone any more than i have to with the sound of the gunshot and am less likely to be "saved" in critical condition instead of passing. unfortunately i don't have access to the recommended types of firearm (i only can manage to steal a rifle or handgun from a family members safe) so i will be risking a bit more and i don't have much experience with firearms so i might fail to kill myself with the shot initially but either way it's still likely to kill me.
edit/update: i spent an hour or so looking for potential sources for sn and decided it really isn't worth the hassle. can't afford a wellness check right now and scrolling through weird and sketchy looking websites has gone nowhere so. fuck it. rifle it is!
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