Venting Going to try again

[Junkarse]

So, just killing time until its late enough that no one should be interrupted.
This will be the third time this month (third time's the charm!) I've attempted using my big ole tank of inert gas to put myself to sleep like the dog that I am.

I honestly wish I could fix myself. I know it's not "impossible". but the amount of time, money, resources isn't realistic.

Fighting for mediocrity is just more than I can do anymore.
Years of being alone, surrounded by people who don't have the same issues.
I know this will affect my kids negatively.
But they are so far away, I never get to see them. They don't need me.
The money I leave behind will help.
I have failed them utterly.
I never did figure out what about me is so revolting.
Guess I'm not as smart as everyone tells me I am.

Just want this deep seated pain to stop.
Its been over 3 decades. It has only gotten worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. Living really is so painful and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I hope that you find what you are looking for.