Venting going to ctb soon

[d3c4y]

I see a lot of people saying how they wish their family/parents didn't love them to make ctb easier (which is acceptable, not dissing anyone), but I wish mine would love me and maybe I wouldn't be like this or let alone be on this forum if they did. I'm nothing but a piggybank to my mother and my sister only sees me useful when she needs something from me. They never loved me as a person, they only loved me for what I could do for them. I can't talk about my feelings without them blowing up in my face, I never get help with things, it's always left for me to deal with (paying all the bills, providing food, having spare money, caring and cleaning after their pets, etc.) and I know this doesn't sound like any good reason but I'm not even a child my mother, sister or father could love and I have tried to do everything in my power to make them love me but now I realize that is never going to happen.

I'm not going to trauma dump the reasons why I know the fact they won't ever love me because that's not going to matter soon. They see the scars on me, and I told them before that I will ctb, so based on that, they should already see this coming, whether they believe I'll do it or not it doesn't matter anymore. Really nothing matters anymore. I've been done trying to change their minds, but now I'm not scared of death like I was before when I started shing. I feel calm and ready to embrace the fact I will die the youngest in my family. It doesn't matter if they suddenly had a change of heart and tried to build a healthy relationship with me now because I know deep down this has always been my fate. The only thing I regret about it is the thought of one day being able to live a life with someone and having a family of my own, but who knows if that would even happen if I didn't see this through. However, that'll make me a hypocrite if I brought a child into a world when I, myself, hate the fact that I never asked to be born and hate every breath I take.

Regardless of any of that, I have planned everything out and I look forward to the day to come. I will get a firearm and find an isolated place with the prettiest view so I can in embrace the tranquility and beauty of nature before mankind completely fucks everything up. Then point the firearm towards my heart and ctb in a calm quiet place, away from the ugliness and selfishness of people. I feel at peace just thinking about it, but I can't do it yet since there are some things I want to experience before I do. However, I guaranteed that it will be in a couple of months though. Also, please don't reply to me based on the few things I said about my home life. I left out a lot of contexts about what was happened to me and things that were done to me by my family. I just don't see the need in sharing extreme and personal details about my life.

sorry if none of this makes sense to read. writing has never been my strong point.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I'm sorry to hear your life has been so miserable. Your plan sounds good just know that gunshot to the chest is going to hurt a lot for a minute even if it's directed at the heart.

 

[d3c4y]

I'm sorry to hear your life has been so miserable. Your plan sounds good just know that gunshot to the chest is going to hurt a lot for a minute even if it's directed at the heart.

View attachment 120582

haha thank you for this sheet, the place isn't really set and stone so I'm considering other places as well. I just put that one down because it's one of 3 places I'm contemplating the most

 

[ipmanwc0]

haha thank you for this sheet, the place isn't really set and stone so I'm considering other places as well. I just put that one down because it's one of 3 places I'm contemplating the most

what other places were you considering?

 

[sserafim]

I'm sorry to hear your life has been so miserable. Your plan sounds good just know that gunshot to the chest is going to hurt a lot for a minute even if it's directed at the heart.

View attachment 120582

What's the difference btwn shotgun and gunshot?

 

[d3c4y]

what other places were you considering?

chest, head, or depending on the firearm mouth (ik it counts as head lmao) but im not too big of a fan on that one. to be real though an od is also high up there

 

[lita-lassi]

What's the difference btwn shotgun and gunshot?

a shotgun is a specific type of gun, a gunshot refers to the sound firing a gun makes

 

[Scythe]

Ah, shotgun's always a good way to ctb, I'm happt for you that you have access to it. Your reasons to ctb are valid, as with all reasons to ctb. Suffering isn't a competition, the media tries to make it one, but it isn't. Being unloved is a very valid reason to be suicidal and is the reason why many people are here.
That being said, are you going to donate your savings? I'd imagine you wouldn't want your family getting it.

PS. I wish you a swift and peaceful journey! If you're not aiming for the symbolism/poetic feel of shotgun to the heart, blowing your brains out is the far better option. Either way, best of luck.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

sorry if none of this makes sense to read. writing has never been my strong point.

What you wrote made perfect sense to me, I'd argue that you are a pretty good writer.

What's the difference btwn shotgun and gunshot?

shotgun takes large chunks out of people and splatters them on the ground. A pistol shot merely punctures through a person and might create a decently sized exit wound depending on caliber and FMJ vs hollow point.

 

[d3c4y]

Ah, shotgun's always a good way to ctb, I'm happt for you that you have access to it. Your reasons to ctb are valid, as with all reasons to ctb. Suffering isn't a competition, the media tries to make it one, but it isn't. Being unloved is a very valid reason to be suicidal and is the reason why many people are here.
That being said, are you going to donate your savings? I'd imagine you wouldn't want your family getting it.

PS. I wish you a swift and peaceful journey! If you're not aiming for the symbolism/poetic feel of shotgun to the heart, blowing your brains out is the far better option. Either way, best of luck.

ahh thank you !! and I agree! I don't think anyone should be invalidated for their reasons to ctb but you see it everywhere as being competition now. but for my savings will go to my friend of 6 years to try and make her feel better about my death! I plan to start saving up some so she can get a good amount for her and her child <3. now for my things my family or whoever can sort through and keep what they want

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans and I hope that when the time feels right for you to leave you find the freedom you wish for.