going to CTB either tonight or tomorrow. would appreciate some company until then <3

[thebayleaf]

heya everyone. my name is bella aka thebayleaf.

tonight's the night. or it might not be. it'll come down to the weather and how i'm feeling in the evening, since catching the bus is mostly a mental thing, I gotta be in the right headspace for it. if it doesn't end up being today, it'll probably be tomorrow.

this marks the fourth time I've tried to ctb. the first three times were before I found this forum and didn't know that cutting never works. I'd be very dead right now if I'd found it earlier, but better late than never.

i've got alcohol, 180mg of codeine, a rope, a tree and a frail neck ready to get the life wrung out of it. i'll be heading out this afternoon. going to watch one last sunset then get off this rock.

feeling a lot of emotions, some good, some bad. hoping to chat with people here to keep my nerves in check. so yeah, say whatever or ask me anything, nothing's off limits since I'm not gonna be around to feel self-conscious about anything for long ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[mysticatedwine]

oh wow. i've noticed a lot of your posts lately, it feels weird to see you clock out. first time this happens to me on this website too.

i wish you the best of the best, you are one of the most interesting people i had the chance to see in a lot of threads, i always liked your contributions. ill remember you and ill think about you!

from a fellow anxious transgirl

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm sorry life has led you to this moment. I hope you find the peace you're looking for, whatever that may look like. I don't think I'm great at conversation these days, but if you want to talk, I'd do my best to be there with you

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

In whatever way feels right, I hope you soon find some peace.

I don't always have the right words. But I'm here to talk with you.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Hey, don't pressure yourself, and do whatever you think you're ready, whether it's ctb or stay alive. Hope this forum offered you some company and comfort in the dark times, and that you seized this day with beings and things that you enjoy. It's allright if you feel anxious, afraid, nervous or anything like that, and if you decide to come back, this forum will probably continue here.

 

[woodlandcreature]

it's been nice reading your input on here. i'm sorry life has lead you here. i'm attempting within the next few weeks and am feeling quite the slew of emotions right now as well. i hope you find peace, and are confident in your decision. i'm here, and i'll be thinking about you.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I know I just barely met you recently, but you've been memorable enough to break my/our self-imposed system rule to not comment on active goodbye-adjacent threads.

I really hope any advice I've given (either on that "SaSu social rules" thread or that one time you ran into the unfortunate "newbie chat glitch") has helped you stay comfortable while you're here.

It really hits hard seeing a fellow trans person so close too my age, with experiences and onditions similar to mine, take this path—especially since we both share an interest in Omori.

That game is what made me choose life (no matter how miserable I am now), and I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way for you. You've made this forum brighter.

I guess I can just say... thanks for the laughs. This in particular nearly made me choke on my own spit. My mom even looked at me odd when she heard me

 

[thebayleaf]

hi everyone.

really warmed my heart reading all these replies. i didn't expect my lil bit of presence on the site to have stood out to so many people :D

it is insanelyyyyyyyyyy windy right now. i'd rather not have the wind toss my body around like a piñata and there's no shot I'll be able to light a cigarette in it (i am not dying without a cigarette) so here's hoping it'll die down in the next couple hours or i'll be waiting till tomorrow.

additionally I just realised the milk crate I need is sitting on the front lawn........ right in front of the giant window my mother faces when she paints. no shot i'll be able to take it without her getting very suspicious, so it looks like I'll need to go on a side quest to steal a milk crate from the shops.

 

[thebayleaf]

managed to move the milk crate to a hidden spot while my mother was in the bathroom so that's sorted.

btw. does anyone know any good charities or gofundmes or such? I don't have a will and I'm worried my money may end up permanently trapped in my bank account once im gone. so just in case id like to reduce the amount in there.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

Talking to you as of recently has been a opportunity I am grateful for, I thank you for that. I'll always be saddened that it came to this for you. I wish you peace from whatever happens and whatever you chose.
I'll sent you a copy of that book like promised if I get to the end of it before April. If not, I'll send you a postcard summary probably from hell.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I know I'm a hypocrite, but I'd find it very difficult to chat with someone knowing they were just whittling the final hours to ctb. I guess you can say I keep blinders on in that regard.
I've been in a place where my self determination was robbed from me though.
I do hope you find the peace you are looking for however, and truly hope you have thoroughly thought everything through. A lot of damage particularly to the rope method is always possible if not executed properly.

 

[lainsito]

heya everyone. my name is bella aka thebayleaf.

tonight's the night. or it might not be. it'll come down to the weather and how i'm feeling in the evening, since catching the bus is mostly a mental thing, I gotta be in the right headspace for it. if it doesn't end up being today, it'll probably be tomorrow.

this marks the fourth time I've tried to ctb. the first three times were before I found this forum and didn't know that cutting never works. I'd be very dead right now if I'd found it earlier, but better late than never.

i've got alcohol, 180mg of codeine, a rope, a tree and a frail neck ready to get the life wrung out of it. i'll be heading out this afternoon. going to watch one last sunset then get off this rock.

feeling a lot of emotions, some good, some bad. hoping to chat with people here to keep my nerves in check. so yeah, say whatever or ask me anything, nothing's off limits since I'm not gonna be around to feel self-conscious about anything for long ¯\

heya everyone. my name is bella aka thebayleaf.

tonight's the night. or it might not be. it'll come down to the weather and how i'm feeling in the evening, since catching the bus is mostly a mental thing, I gotta be in the right headspace for it. if it doesn't end up being today, it'll probably be tomorrow.

this marks the fourth time I've tried to ctb. the first three times were before I found this forum and didn't know that cutting never works. I'd be very dead right now if I'd found it earlier, but better late than never.

i've got alcohol, 180mg of codeine, a rope, a tree and a frail neck ready to get the life wrung out of it. i'll be heading out this afternoon. going to watch one last sunset then get off this rock.

feeling a lot of emotions, some good, some bad. hoping to chat with people here to keep my nerves in check. so yeah, say whatever or ask me anything, nothing's off limits since I'm not gonna be around to feel self-conscious about anything for long ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i wish you my best and a peaceful journey, also, i hope that you find peace, good luck. <3

 

[VoidBlessed]

It's been a long journey, hasn't it? I'm proud of you for making it this far. What helped you accept that it's your time to go?

 

[CursedReality]

I don't post often (If at all) but i admit ive been keeping an eye on this thread and it certainly seems like you'll be missed. I wish you peace on the journey for what it's worth.

 

[darksouls]

good luck Bella,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you desire

 

[thebayleaf]

It's been a long journey, hasn't it? I'm proud of you for making it this far. What helped you accept that it's your time to go?

it's just been a long time coming I guess. I've reached a point where I can't see a reality in which my life gets better and even if I could, It wouldn't matter cause I just don't feel motivated to put in that effort after everything I've been through this year.

 

[U. A.]

your message about decorum was an uncommonly inquisitive entry. i feel like that was yesterday - really uou joined extremely recently so it basically was...

you asked about charities or gofundme's. first, i want to suggest you contemplate the reality of giving away all your money in case you change your mind and/or don't succeed.
otherwise, i don't generally like charities as most are corrupt but Médecins sans Frontières/Doctors Without Borders is probably as good as they go.
for GFMs, there's this site which is an aggregate and shows a new campaign each refresh, or you can view all from the bottom button and see which pulls at you.

i hope whatever is coming for you is easy on you

 

[Mooncry]

View attachment 185773

In all seriousness, I'm sorry to see you go. It's sad when anyone I recognize makes their goodbye post, and I hope you feel welcome to come right back if you decide it isn't time. There's no shame in backing out. But if this is the last post from you, thank you for being here and for everything you've shared.

 

[thebayleaf]

it seems i'll be leaving tomorrow cause of reasons that are actually good but i'd rather not disclose

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

managed to move the milk crate to a hidden spot while my mother was in the bathroom so that's sorted.

btw. does anyone know any good charities or gofundmes or such? I don't have a will and I'm worried my money may end up permanently trapped in my bank account once im gone. so just in case id like to reduce the amount in there.

Seconding what @U. A. said about caution with giving away everything, but I thought I'd recommend my favorite charities for the sake of it.

Trans Lifeline has helped me personally, and they have a policy of not tracking you through calls, even if you're suicidal. Anti-carceral, peer-led, anti-cop.

Point Of Pride might help me access voice training and/or HRT in the future. They are invaluable and have saved many lives with their various gender affirming grants, funds, and free items.

Queer Trans Project also provides free gender affirming stuff for people who need it, they've helped my friends. All the best charities I know are trans related honestly.

Sending well wishes

 

[thebayleaf]

Seconding what @U. A. said about caution with giving away everything, but I thought I'd recommend my favorite charities for the sake of it.

Trans Lifeline has helped me personally, and they have a policy of not tracking you through calls, even if you're suicidal. Anti-carceral, peer-led, anti-cop.

Point Of Pride might help me access voice training and/or HRT in the future. They are invaluable and have saved many lives with their various gender affirming grants, funds, and free items.

Queer Trans Project also provides free gender affirming stuff for people who need it, they've helped my friends. All the best charities I know are trans related honestly.

Sending well wishes

way ahead of ya. i've already sent a couple ben franklins to not exactly these charities but a few different trans charities that I think do some really good work for the community. thank you for your recommendations.

 

[fau840]

if you can reconsider, sometimes things get better, and i was thinking about taking my life every day this summer, searching for a method, but life smile to me now! Mania (i'm pibolar type one )? i don't care, the point is that you have to go out from the platone cavern, don't death inside it, catch the light not the bus, it can comes like from an hold friends reconnection. You will see that light that i'm talking about. Try to move things by trying to go out. meet new people, everyone is exceptinal and unique, and you are too. you can change people life with you decisiom, either to do or either don't, my advice is don't, and if you do I hope it's fast and painless (and still sound so orrible)

i'm 41 italian male and you? sry lanka girl?

take care my friend, God bless you, or everything you believe to

 

[corpse]

I hope you find peace.