Venting Going to be 38 soon, been depressed since a young girl

[Mia Wallace]

Hi all, just wanting to see how long everyone here has been depressed suicidal for?
I remember my first real depression started as a child and my first suicidal thoughts started soon after.
I suffer from extreme insomnia, anxiety and obviously depression. I tend to shut people off because of it and the only real connections I have in this world are my two best friends who know I struggle with all of the above, but no idea the severity of it.
I have a good job and can pull myself together while working but it is absolutely draining me. I have been told by numerous people I light up a room and have such a good vibe and it blows my mind how well I can conceal how I really feel and who I really am from those I am forced to engage with. I am so tired and just want to sleep forever.
My depression and anxiety are constant everyday and suicidal thoughts cross my mind on a daily basis as well. This has been going on for years. 26 years to be exact.
I'd say once a year, and it seemingly always happens in summertime, I get extreme suicidal thoughts and act on them. This cycle is just never ending and with each passing year, it just continues to get worse.
I have absolutely lost my will to live but can't seem to bring myself to do something that will totally seal the deal.
Each day is misery and I cope with alcohol and retail therapy as a form of escapism. I have pretty much grown numb to this world with just enough fucks to hold my job down so I don't become homeless.
I'm thinking of purchasing a gun and taking a trip out west to go hiking and be surrounded by beautiful scenery and shoot myself while out there. I just don't know if I could work up the courage to actually pull the trigger.
I want nothing more to be gone from this world yet when it comes to actually taking that final step I can't bring myself to do it so I just suffer everyday all day in my pointless existence.
I guess I just needed to vent to people who get it and it breaks my heart how cruel this world can be to all of us.

 

[Flying Away]

I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and I am now 59. If you would like to talk please feel free to PM me.

 

[Mia Wallace]

I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and I am now 59. If you would like to talk please feel free to PM me.

Thanks so much <3

 

[AnonymousS]

Hi all, just wanting to see how long everyone here has been depressed suicidal for?
I remember my first real depression started as a child and my first suicidal thoughts started soon after.
I suffer from extreme insomnia, anxiety and obviously depression. I tend to shut people off because of it and the only real connections I have in this world are my two best friends who know I struggle with all of the above, but no idea the severity of it.
I have a good job and can pull myself together while working but it is absolutely draining me. I have been told by numerous people I light up a room and have such a good vibe and it blows my mind how well I can conceal how I really feel and who I really am from those I am forced to engage with. I am so tired and just want to sleep forever.
My depression and anxiety are constant everyday and suicidal thoughts cross my mind on a daily basis as well. This has been going on for years. 26 years to be exact.
I'd say once a year, and it seemingly always happens in summertime, I get extreme suicidal thoughts and act on them. This cycle is just never ending and with each passing year, it just continues to get worse.
I have absolutely lost my will to live but can't seem to bring myself to do something that will totally seal the deal.
Each day is misery and I cope with alcohol and retail therapy as a form of escapism. I have pretty much grown numb to this world with just enough fucks to hold my job down so I don't become homeless.
I'm thinking of purchasing a gun and taking a trip out west to go hiking and be surrounded by beautiful scenery and shoot myself while out there. I just don't know if I could work up the courage to actually pull the trigger.
I want nothing more to be gone from this world yet when it comes to actually taking that final step I can't bring myself to do it so I just suffer everyday all day in my pointless existence.
I guess I just needed to vent to people who get it and it breaks my heart how cruel this world can be to all of us.

My first mental health issue was panic disorder and mild depression. This then was replaced over time by more chronic severe episodes of depression, and ptsd eventually added. I am now 48, mine started when i was about 21. I had to stop work due to the depression in about 2001. I hope you can get some treatment, and have someone you can talk to who will understand. It is a particularly cruel illness.

 

[Mia Wallace]

My first mental health issue was panic disorder and mild depression. This then was replaced over time by more chronic severe episodes of depression, and ptsd eventually added. I am now 48, mine started when i was about 21. I had to stop work due to the depression in about 2001. I hope you can get some treatment, and have someone you can talk to who will understand. It is a particularly cruel illness.

Thank you for responding. I'm so sorry you suffer as well. I fear that will be what's next for me as I'm getting to that point. Have you found any treatments in particular that were effective for you?

 

[Flying Away]

My first mental health issue was panic disorder and mild depression. This then was replaced over time by more chronic severe episodes of depression, and ptsd eventually added. I am now 48, mine started when i was about 21. I had to stop work due to the depression in about 2001. I hope you can get some treatment, and have someone you can talk to who will understand. It is a particularly cruel illness.

I have many of the same issues. Always here to chat

 

[AnonymousS]

Thank you, yes some treatments have worked for me including several SSRI antidepressants, i have had ECT twice, which did help for a little while. CBT is the only psychotherapy i have been given, and although it was useful, it only helped when my illness was not as severe. It seems as life has gone on, the stresses and trauma has kind of kept things going. I have had some good times in between the episodes, but they never last and my life has been quite chaotic. Things like homelessness in the past hasn't helped, there is some help out there, but generally speaking it's nowhere near what it should be for most people. I live in the UK, but suspect it's the same for a lot of countries. Mental illness seems to be an afterthought really.

 

[Flying Away]

Thank you, yes some treatments have worked for me including several SSRI antidepressants, i have had ECT twice, which did help for a little while. CBT is the only psychotherapy i have been given, and although it was useful, it only helped when my illness was not as severe. It seems as life has gone on, the stresses and trauma has kind of kept things going. I have had some good times in between the episodes, but they never last and my life has been quite chaotic. Things like homelessness in the past hasn't helped, there is some help out there, but generally speaking it's nowhere near what it should be for most people. I live in the UK, but suspect it's the same for a lot of countries. Mental illness seems to be an afterthought really.

I have suffered with many of what you are going through. I agree treatment is more effective when you feel slightly better. I have been fortunate recently with most of my BPD going into remission. Unfortunately the biggest issue remains. Mental illness seems to be flavour of the month with people but is rarely taken seriously. I hear nothing but lip service. I too am in the UK

 

[AnonymousS]

I have suffered with many of what you are going through. I agree treatment is more effective when you feel slightly better. I have been fortunate recently with most of my BPD going into remission. Unfortunately the biggest issue remains. Mental illness seems to be flavour of the month with people but is rarely taken seriously. I hear nothing but lip service. I too am in the UK

I agree with your sentiments, every now and then lip service seems to be paid to mental health, but not enough to increase funding etc. I have had several hospital admissions, some have helped, and some not. The meds seem to keep my head above water, i seem to be slightly better on Venlafaxine for my particular illness, as it's somewhat stimulating, i have chronic fatigue as well that is unrelated to my depression. Certainly more money is needed, a lot more investment in psychotherapies too. Maybe in 50 years people will look back, and be amazed at how barbaric mental health services are, who knows. I do hope things turn around for you though, i made peace with not being around a long time ago, i have survived many attempts on my life. Some would consider me very lucky, at times i do, not usually though.

 

[Aeathelina]

I was not diagnosed until I was 25 but I remember being a child...only ten and already praying for death and having terrible thoughts. I am only 27 but I already feel that I have lived too long

 

[AnonymousS]

I have many of the same issues. Always here to chat

Thanks very much, i appreciate that.

I was not diagnosed until I was 25 but I remember being a child...only ten and already praying for death and having terrible thoughts. I am only 27 but I already feel that I have lived too long

That's awful, i cannot imagine being only ten years old and feeling such despair. I hope you can find some peace.

 

[Flying Away]

I was not diagnosed until I was 25 but I remember being a child...only ten and already praying for death and having terrible thoughts. I am only 27 but I already feel that I have lived too long

This is something I can really relate to

 

[adventurer]

I was diagnosed pretty young, maybe around middle school. i don't know if that's a normal time to be but that's when it started hitting me hard. barely leaving my room unless i had to. only doing things because i was worried my parents would get mad at me if i didn't. i had no real or true motivation. i quit sports. stopped playing music. there was no point in anything. and there still isn't.

 

[stoiccactus]

I'm 38 too. Never been formally diagnosed as depressed but I take anti-anxiety meds and was a big time alcoholic for a long time, which was really just self medication for depression. So I've probably had some form of depression since about 20 or so, it really sucks. For me, depression leads to bad decisions which lead to more depression which lead to bad decisions. Rinse repeat. Can't wait for my date this winter when I can just fucking end it all.

 

[DreamSurfer]

Things happened to me as a kid which I think led to my suicidal thoughts beginning around middle school I believe. Think I still have some poems that I wrote back then about the "darkness" and wanting to end it all. I have just reached 40.

Was just told that I had depression and was put on some ssri in highschool, they didn't work. So I stopped taking them. Then in my 20s I saw a therapist that was new in the field, was diagnosed as bipolar and put on ssri's which also didn't work, only led to side effects. Faced a tragedy in my late 20s that sent me on a deeper spiral of depression, anxiety, social anxiety that left me out of work for around 8 months where I could barely function. Tri3d to bounce back and focused on reaching milestones career wise that I thought would be some answers for relief, I was wrong. Which then dropped me further mentally. Even made a drastic move across the country in search of filling the mental hole. Finally got a proper diagnosis of severe BPD. Lost most joys in life, when not working, I am often in bed sleeping or just laying there. On another coctail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety that don't help much. Tried CBT therapy but the therapist ultimately told me that my case was too severe and that I should see another therapist that she recommended, I instead just quit all together. Now ctb seems like the only way to get any peace.

 

[chronicallybroken]

Nearly 20 years since I first wanted to CTB as a child. Once I'd had that first thought of wanting to die, it has been with me every day

 

[Pluto]

I'm in your age bracket. First suicidal thought was at age 13, due to abusive family. I had no idea how much worse things could get.

I do that masking thing too. Unfortunately it is not a healthy habit in the long term.

 

[MayTheStars]

This has been me my whole life also, especially the lighting up the room for others comment. I often empower and guide others to be the very best version of themselves and inside though Iam completely dead to myself and can no longer handle it really.

Life is unfair and is hell literally a waking hell, consumed by those that pretend to care and those that literally don't and have no shame no guilt in acting and telling everyone about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I have never wanted to exist and even at a young age I found the thought of death to be comforting. I have never really been able to understand how people wanted to live, to me the thought of eternal sleep has always been preferable to any kind of life. Life is basically just endless problems and suffering all for the sake of it and I have no interest in any of this. I see no point to enduring this life when instead I could be peacefully not existing.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have had bouts of depression at 13, a total breakdown at 22, SSRIs at 27 or so, years of coping and then a total collapse a year ago at age 55 …. now I'm a shut in …

 

[AnonymousS]

Hi all, just wanting to see how long everyone here has been depressed suicidal for?
I remember my first real depression started as a child and my first suicidal thoughts started soon after.
I suffer from extreme insomnia, anxiety and obviously depression. I tend to shut people off because of it and the only real connections I have in this world are my two best friends who know I struggle with all of the above, but no idea the severity of it.
I have a good job and can pull myself together while working but it is absolutely draining me. I have been told by numerous people I light up a room and have such a good vibe and it blows my mind how well I can conceal how I really feel and who I really am from those I am forced to engage with. I am so tired and just want to sleep forever.
My depression and anxiety are constant everyday and suicidal thoughts cross my mind on a daily basis as well. This has been going on for years. 26 years to be exact.
I'd say once a year, and it seemingly always happens in summertime, I get extreme suicidal thoughts and act on them. This cycle is just never ending and with each passing year, it just continues to get worse.
I have absolutely lost my will to live but can't seem to bring myself to do something that will totally seal the deal.
Each day is misery and I cope with alcohol and retail therapy as a form of escapism. I have pretty much grown numb to this world with just enough fucks to hold my job down so I don't become homeless.
I'm thinking of purchasing a gun and taking a trip out west to go hiking and be surrounded by beautiful scenery and shoot myself while out there. I just don't know if I could work up the courage to actually pull the trigger.
I want nothing more to be gone from this world yet when it comes to actually taking that final step I can't bring myself to do it so I just suffer everyday all day in my pointless existence.
I guess I just needed to vent to people who get it and it breaks my heart how cruel this world can be to all of us.

Hi Mia, i hope you don't mind me asking. I just thought i would check in and ask how you're doing ? I hope you're feeling better.

 

[Mia Wallace]

Hi AnonymousS, thanks for checking in. I'm still here. Same shit, different day ya know? I appreciate your message <3

 

[Hope:-)]

I have only very seriously considered suicide quite recently, but things have been going wrong for a long time.x

 

[AnonymousS]

Hi AnonymousS, thanks for checking in. I'm still here. Same shit, different day ya know? I appreciate your message <3

You're welcome, i just wanted to see if you were ok. Again i hope things turn around for you.

 

[Suspect_Device]

I'm 38 as well (it sucks right?! ). I was deeply suicidal and acted on that impulse numerous times in my late teens/early 20's. I thought that I had left those bad times behind me. However, I have experienced sudden and debilitating health problems over the past year and I am feeling the need to get out again. The one positive thing about my miserable teen years is that I am acclimated to suicide now and I think I'll be able to pull it off now that I'm dealing with a situation that warrants it.