I came close to CTB multiple times over the past year, including January but I never felt this way before, atleast since a long time.
I decided to go to my psychologist in January the day I thought I'd do it in January and also the day before I thought I'd do it in December, probably because I thought it was "the right thing to do" or maybe because I had some hope, I don't know, I don't remember, my memory has been very bad especially recently regarding everything but most notably my own experience and emotions.
I haven't seen her or my psychiatrist in 2 weeks, and I won't see her this week either so it'll be 3 weeks and I don't really see a point in going because it's not like my situation is gonna change even if I do get better. I don't even want to get better. I feel like that's "settling" for less than what could've been. It feels like a worse defeat than giving up and CTB. So I don't want to waste either of their time. I don't even think they care about me, but I don't know about that, that's another discussion.
Lately (since the past month) I've been just feeling like a zombie and the feeling is just increasing day by day. I'm not as suicidal as I was in January and December and before that, it's much more passive now but... with a very "dead inside" feeling, if that makes sense. I still have my SN bottle. And I ordered a nitrite test kit last Friday too, it'll be delivered this Friday. I had it before too but the test tube exploded and everything went to waste earlier.
Anyway, I went off tangent againt, I don't even know why I'm writing this, maybe to see if anyone else feels the same? I just get up, do the bare minimum of my duties, like going to college to take my end semester exams, practicals, etc and then I feel "bad" (it's not exactly the right word since I don't actually feel bad in the traditional sense, just disappointed I guess?) because I know what I've done before when I wasn't so neurotic and the scope of my capabilities. I just have no motivation for it anymore. Then I come back home, I try scrolling social media but it also doesn't stir anything in me, neither does playing games, so I end up just sleeping or mindlessly scrolling if I can't sleep even though it doesn't make me feel any particular way. Then I eat some, atleast that's an improvement, because I wouldn't even get hungry before.
I feel like I've gotten too comfortable being suicidal and sad and depressed and that now I'm actively scared of getting better. I don't see the point in anything. I just move and do my bare minimum like a zombie instead of trying to argue against it or revolting or whatever like I did before. It feels very numb. Like I've lost everything it meant to be me. My personality. I feel like a shell. I didn't feel this way when I was gonna CTB before, compared to now, I still had some of my personality left in me, my intellectuality, my sadness, my disappointments, I just... don't have any of that anymore.
Anyone else feel like this?
I decided to go to my psychologist in January the day I thought I'd do it in January and also the day before I thought I'd do it in December, probably because I thought it was "the right thing to do" or maybe because I had some hope, I don't know, I don't remember, my memory has been very bad especially recently regarding everything but most notably my own experience and emotions.
I haven't seen her or my psychiatrist in 2 weeks, and I won't see her this week either so it'll be 3 weeks and I don't really see a point in going because it's not like my situation is gonna change even if I do get better. I don't even want to get better. I feel like that's "settling" for less than what could've been. It feels like a worse defeat than giving up and CTB. So I don't want to waste either of their time. I don't even think they care about me, but I don't know about that, that's another discussion.
Lately (since the past month) I've been just feeling like a zombie and the feeling is just increasing day by day. I'm not as suicidal as I was in January and December and before that, it's much more passive now but... with a very "dead inside" feeling, if that makes sense. I still have my SN bottle. And I ordered a nitrite test kit last Friday too, it'll be delivered this Friday. I had it before too but the test tube exploded and everything went to waste earlier.
Anyway, I went off tangent againt, I don't even know why I'm writing this, maybe to see if anyone else feels the same? I just get up, do the bare minimum of my duties, like going to college to take my end semester exams, practicals, etc and then I feel "bad" (it's not exactly the right word since I don't actually feel bad in the traditional sense, just disappointed I guess?) because I know what I've done before when I wasn't so neurotic and the scope of my capabilities. I just have no motivation for it anymore. Then I come back home, I try scrolling social media but it also doesn't stir anything in me, neither does playing games, so I end up just sleeping or mindlessly scrolling if I can't sleep even though it doesn't make me feel any particular way. Then I eat some, atleast that's an improvement, because I wouldn't even get hungry before.
I feel like I've gotten too comfortable being suicidal and sad and depressed and that now I'm actively scared of getting better. I don't see the point in anything. I just move and do my bare minimum like a zombie instead of trying to argue against it or revolting or whatever like I did before. It feels very numb. Like I've lost everything it meant to be me. My personality. I feel like a shell. I didn't feel this way when I was gonna CTB before, compared to now, I still had some of my personality left in me, my intellectuality, my sadness, my disappointments, I just... don't have any of that anymore.
Anyone else feel like this?
