Venting Going through the motions, but ctb in the end.

[Isadeth]

Does anymore else do this?

I've been going to therapy and med management since my last inpatient stay in 2017. I never want to go back, so I play by their rules. I do what they deem "helpful" and sometimes I wonder, "What's the point?"

I know eventually I'll ctb. Whether that eventually is soon or years from now, I just know. I feel I've always known that's how I'll go. That's only if a freak accident doesn't take me first, of course. How lucky would that be?

I go to therapy weekly, I go to medication management between every 2 weeks to 3 months as they see fit. I guess maybe I'm hoping something works and I can fully enjoy my life. I envy those around me that seem to have it all together and are happy and look content. I wonder if they have the same thoughts that I do? if they've ever ordered the same items as I've have, even just once? I wonder if they support A Right to Die.

I don't know why I play their game. I spew my guts just enough to tell my story to my therapist but not enough to be committed. It's a fine line. I mention my symptoms just enough to not be berated by my psychiatrist and get what I need or want.

I often have wondered how many here at SS have felt the same or do the same.

I feel guilty sometimes for taking "someone else's spot" in therapy or for meds that want to live and work through their traumas and live. Not that I don't want to work through them. I just believe there are too many to overcome. I think about it every time I enter through the office doors.

They seem well meaning, and they seem like they care, but I know I'm just a number to them. But still I go.

Even though, in the end, I know that I'll end up ctb.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Very well written, friend. And relatable.

 

[glittergore]

I feel the same way. Suicide seems inevitable, so I'm not sure why I spend so much money on therapy and psychiatry. I was in a psych ward a few weeks ago and throughout the experience I was contemplating what I was even doing there. Perhaps I want to improve the quality of my life until I CTB or maybe I still have a small flame of hope that I will be able to find enough fulfillment and happiness.

That said, there's a quote by the Japanese author Osamu Dazai that seems relevant, "Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer "Nothing." The thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy."

 

[Sinai Silence]

This is why I stopped seeing my mental health worker, I just ended up feeling like a lab rat being forced different antidepressants down my throat. Most that didn't work or gave me side effects I couldn't deal with. I was just wasting my time, another person could get the help they need and actually benefit from it. Not to mention it was a black hole for tax payer's money.

It got to a point where the meetings were the same every week. Same questions, same answers. I kept my cards to myself.

It isn't the only option for recovery, you have to find whats best for you. Although whatever struggles you face and talk through to overcome by talking to a therapist; it is a mountain to climb. You shouldn't feel guilty about it; they have given their time to you. If you want to continue down that avenue then I say go ahead, if you start to feel like you're making progress then keeping pushing forward with it.

All the best

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I know the game. I play the game. Life is a matter of what we chose to an extent